CHIPOTLE DIARIES ARCHIVES
Chipotle, a locally owned McDonald's burrito-making factory, or as I like to call it, Deliciousville, is a nice getaway from other insignificantly-portioned fast food chains.
December 30th, 2004
On the walk to the subway this morning, I noticed a crumpled up Chipotle receipt standing on the sidewalk. It occurred to me that if there were thousands, maybe millions more of these receipts littered across the sidewalk, it might look like snow. I'd be hard-pressed to think of a time when I was more convinced or certain of Chipotle's magic than I am right now. Speaking of Chipotle receipts, I actually got one yesterday! In exchange for a small portion of my Chipotle Gift Card credit, which I received for Christmas, I was given an enormous burrito and a small receipt. Since I wasn't paying cash, it was easier for me to justify using $1.50 worth of credit for the guacamole, and for the first time in my life, I had a Chipotle burrito with guacamole. The way they coddle that stuff, you'd think it was made out of bald eagle eggs instead of some old mashed up $0.08 avocado fruits. But with my taste bud's best interests at heart, I put the embarrassing and infantile behavior of Chipotle aside and ordered that guacamole. Let me say...it surpassed the hype. Bravo!! Also, it's amazing how small some of the people that work at Chipotle are:
I'm very concerned about my co-workers at the office today. Everything usually sticks to protocol: I see them, they see me. But today something is different. They could be seeing me, but I'm not seeing them! Where is everyone? I feel like they're all huddled in a room having a meeting about getting promoted and raises and no one took the time to invite me. I'm going to tackle the first person I see in the hallway on Monday morning and force them to spill the details. That disaster in the East makes me sick with sorrow. Everyday the news just gets worse and worse. And those stupid plates are still grudging!! There have been over 50 aftershocks since Sunday. Can you stop?
Never underestimate the toothsome pleasure of homemade macaroni and cheese. To be completely forthright with you, and I’m talking brutal honesty, I don't consider Kraft macaroni and cheese a real meal. It's like ramen noodle soup—nothing there. It exists more as a novelty snack than any sort of substantial meal. BUT. Homemade macaroni and cheese? It doesn't get any more beautiful or real then that. And healthy! CHEESE (dairy) and NOODLES (pasta). Furthermore, you can conjure me up anything you want, just don't conjure me late for dinner.
December 29th, 2004
I am living in the moment right now, a moment that could be described like this: it is 27 degrees Fahrenheit with a barometer of 30.25 in and rising. I'm sipping on a cup of coffee that tastes like dirty laundry. The strange thing about this moment is that with the exception of the weather description it is almost identical to a moment I had yesterday morning. I have a growing concern that some other employee is washing their clothes in the coffee pot, which obviously makes no sense if you think about it. Regardless, living in the moment is exhilarating.
Also, I've decided this morning that it is time to expand my catalogue of songs that I am amazing at singing in the shower. For starters, I'll polish up on an old masterpiece... "The Band Played On." Other’s include "Prima Donna" from the "Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack, and "Stars" from "Les Miserable." Trust me, if you have yet to hear me croon while bathing, you're missing out. I give myself great reviews.
I would be doing to world a disservice if I failed to mention the elaborate home cooked meals I've been treated to over the last three days. Each day I've gotten home from work this week, I've been greeted at the door by an extremely interesting aroma. I say, "Why hello there, odor, you certainly are intoxicating, now aren't you?" I hear no answer, however, none is needed. The smell and I continue our playfully alluring games throughout the evening until I end up consuming its whole in a final act of raw savagery and embroidered gluttony. My roommate's girlfriend, Chris (who was a star basketball player at ACC powerhouse Georgia Tech), has been crafting the most wonderful feasts for my roommate and I, and is mostly responsible for my current period of wild gastronomical success. On top of this, I held a personal grooming seminar yesterday and in the spare time, tidied myself up a bit:
As a direct result of these meals, our refrigerator has boosted its status almost overnight. Besides being clean now, it has demonstrated its ability to hold substance and maintain a certain level of sophistication, shattering its reputation for being incorrigible. Using my stone chisel and some elbow grease, I engraved into an old granite plaque the words, "LASCIATE OGNE SPERANZA, VOI CH'INTRATE." The warning, which now hangs in front of the refrigerator, translates to "ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE," and is, of course, meant to remind all leftovers that death is imminent and inevitable. Last night I had another late night gorging session and again had dreams of combat. Four nights, four long dreams of combat. Anyone want to take a stab at that one?
December 28th, 2004
The tragedy in Southern Asia is unprecedented in size and devastation. Prayers go to all those involved. This being said, experts predict that Cumbre Vieja, a large volcano on the Canary Island of La Palma, will almost certainty erupt sometime in the next 200 years, sending a massive tidal wave racing towards the Eastern Coast of the U.S. Currently, there is almost no monitoring of the volcano, as U.S. resources are already fairly busy doing pretty much everything else in the world. On the lighter note, scientists agree that a cataclysmic meteor will not strike Earth within the next 10-20 years, and if it did, we could successfully divert its course. According to many experts, this emergency diversion plan would most likely choose to not include Ben Afflect...again. But seriously, I don't even know what to say about the tsunami disaster, it's just the worst thing in the world.
And getting sharply lighter with no recognizable segway, burrito. Burrito burritoing, burritoentious. Burrrrrritoy? Yes. Burritoonkous burritouble burritogle. Burritoheaping, burritoss burriton't burritolicious. Burritionosity, burritoalbe, burrito-ete.
Burrrrr.....ito.
Burr. Ito.
Be you! Are...are, I too.
Mr. Burrito? Ahoy. There's a package here for you.
"A package you say? Sounds suspicious.
Burr(y) it. O(h)!
Who wants a b(eautiful l)u(nch. I could provide this to you with one t)r(ip to Chipotle. T)r(ue,) i(t wouldn't be the most imaginitive) t(hing to order, but ordinary ordering by obvious ordinance and no original or oblique ordeal, might ornerize your ordure). Oh.
A day before the end of the week will be here in four days and I'm beginning to feel a sense of urgency. One part of me feels that, the other feels calmness. Between the two, they create a perfect, harmonious equilibrium that is responsible for me being able to walk through the hallways of worldly interaction today with a relatively small amount of disturbance.
The homemade brownies, ice cream, brownies, and then ice cream, and then raviolis, and then broccoli cheese casserole, and then brownie again that I ate last night just minutes before laying my head down on my pillow might have taken its toll this morning:
I also ate a salad, but as I've said in the past time and time again, salad is good for you. Also, I can only assume pumpkin bread is good for you...pumpkin being a vegetable, and bread being one of the main food groups. Burrito yourself up a good day.
December 27th, 2004
Work seems foreign to me this morning, like reuniting with an old girlfriend who has grown her hair long and luxurious since you've seen her last. Its slowly becoming familiar again as I recognize faces from the past and reacquaint with my old habits. Though I am still a bit out of sorts, I trust things will fall back into their normal rhythm by lunchtime. Hence, the bittersweet zest of extended holiday vacations. Thursday of last week now feels more like a subdued memory from a distant life rather than a day that was only three days ago. How I miss the old times.
"For the past six months, I'd been sitting patiently with my colleagues, bundled in the skull chalice on top of the large brown desk, and preparing for the most important day of the year. I had never thought of myself as anything special, just your typical black-inked ballpoint Bic with a bountiful load and a clean rear-end for chewing.
Besides a few Sharpies, some blue and red fellow Bics, and a couple of worn-out pencils, I was surrounded by some of the best competition on any desk around. There was a Clic Stic, an M10 Clic, a Velocity Gel Retractable, and of course, the Cross Morph DigitalWriter Duo (the closest thing to perfection I have ever seen). When the "Man of Destiny" approached the chalice gripping red envelopes in the hand opposite, I knew the moment had arrived. Who was going to sign the Christmas cards this year? I was so nervous! I glanced at the Cross Morph DigitalWriter Duo, so confident and sure...of course it was. Just as I started to feel ashamed for even entertaining the thought that I might be the one picked, I felt a strong, suffocating, but joyous, warm grip around my head. I couldn't believe it, but sure enough, he had chosen ME to sign the most important greetings of the year!! When I looked back, I noticed the others were just as shocked as I was. The higher-end pens looked jealous, while my friends and family, the other Bic pens, were proud. It was the greatest moment of my pen life. The inner satisfaction that had flooded my insides, however, quickly receded its lovely shoreline when I realized I was exiting the apartment and the "Man of Destiny" was not bringing his large backpack with him. At this precise moment, two eternities met…past and future…and suddenly I knew then I would never return to the former. I'll never forget the look on me pappy's face, blue as a baby boy…but unyielding. It turns out, I signed those Christmas cards, I sure did, and I signed them wonderfully. The "Man of Destiny," however, had no intention of having his coat pockets ruined from pen regurgitation (bouncy travel sometimes makes us sick), and I was left under the seat of the subway car as my master's new shoes walked away (which I can only imagine he was somehow connected to). But as I lie here, scribbling my final thoughts down within the limited margins of this old newspaper, I have no regrets. It is still my belief to this hour, that even though I didn't have a say in the matter, I made the right choice. I'm just a Bic pen of average talent that out-breeched my britches."
My Christmas was spent in Brooklyn with my wonderful parents and grandmother. I am recharged, recuperated, and rebounding. They are cheerful and optimistic people, and it does me well to be in their company. On the other hand, my walk to the Metro this morning was atrocious…insultingly cold. Fortunately, I had my new hand knit scarf around my neck and a Chipotle gift certificate in my pocket (which offered moral support more than anything else). Overall, my family and friends were extremely generous to me this holiday, and I feel fortunate. As I wipe away the teardrops now, I offer a heartfelt goodbye. For today. Tomorrow I go back to cold, hard business.
December 24th, 2004
Today is CHRISTMAS. Merry Christmas.
December 23rd, 2004
Well, today is Christmas...or at least a couple days from Christmas. Up until this point, there hasn't been any room for Christmas in my "spirit" department this year. The problem is that I haven't situated myself in a position to be graced by the season's good tidings. For example, I've been sleeping on the worn-out couch in the living room quite a bit recently instead of the enormous bed in my BEDroom. That being said, any sort of Christmas apparitions that may have attempted to visit me would have obviously encountered an empty bed, as it is well known that ghosts spread their cheer only by the late hours of the night. By sleeping in the living room, I am subconsciously distancing myself from the holiday, which is fine with me. Too much noise!!
Last night, I took Geronimo the Dog for a long walk around the neighborhood. It was a little breezy, but the breeze was warm and unthreatening. The Christmas lights and snooty streetlamps that line the streets seemed to have placed their rivalries aside for the moment, and ceremoniously formed charmed reddish glow to the evening's atmosphere. Geronimo the Dog could sense it too. He wiggled and bounced down the street, reminiscent of his younger and more energetic years. When I stopped at a store to buy a gift for someone, I was a little worried the childish naivety Geronimo acquired from three blocks of skipping would cause him to let his guard down. He would be alone, outside the store, and at a large disadvantage being tied up to a pole if a predator with naughty intentions were to come along. I patted him on the head and whispered into his ear, "If anyone tries to touch you, boy, you have my permission to kill and eat them." This gave him some comfort, especially since we were being followed. He knew it, and I knew it...or in other words, we both knew it. Whatever it was, it stayed a safe distance behind, and was festively adorned with a top hat and cloak. I knew that any creature abiding by the rules of Christmas must not be too bad, but its motive was still a mystery to us and therefore deemed menacing. Call it typical Christmas paranoia if you will, but try explaining that to a dog, whose brains have been factually proven to be smaller than humans. They don't understand a story is just a story. They just see passing silhouettes of flapping cloaks in the shadows and immediately think the worst. Poor things.
Between all the donuts, cakes, cookies, gingerbread, mincemeat pie, huckleberry soup, and of course, goose pot pie I've been eating recently, I feel like I'm voluntarily plumping myself up to be eaten by a giant. I think most of all though, it would be the deeply embedded sodium levels I've accumulated from years of ingesting Chipotle burritos that would affirm my succulence and sign my death warrant. After all, we all know that too much sodium in your diet will cause a turkey jowl. Let’s forget about all that for the time being and enjoy the wassailing to come. Cheers!
December 22nd, 2004
My growing suspicions have been confirmed, and I fear that doom may be upon us all. Proof lies in the data journal I've been keeping over the past six months, in which I've painstakingly tracked and accurately recorded the exact moment of each sunrise and sunset. With each day, the two seem to be enclosing in on one another, drawing closer to the center; and this trend is showing no signs of weakening. If daylight was likened to a man, it could be said that the man was shrinking. If daylight was compared to a woman, same thing, the woman would appear to be shrinking. Soon, I can now say with near certainty, the world we know will be draped under a veil of perpetual darkness. This beast shows no remorse, gives no reasoning for its actions, and is prejudice towards no one. My advice is to embrace any remaining rays of sunshine while you still can, for by them we will soon be betrayed, and we will find ourselves living under an endless night's sky that will never see the glow of a new dawn.
I realize now that there are few things that I'm worse at than Christmas shopping. First off, I usually wait until December 23rd. Secondly, I'm just terrible at it. I don't think I need to build a case here, Chipotle Diary, just take my word for it. Last night I walked for over an hour, only to end up going to a downtown CVS to buy $14 dollars worth of stickers. Never mind that I have a CVS on both sides of my apartment. I will say one thing though—guys love electronic stores. Do you hear that women? If you're still looking for a gift for your man (doubtful, I'm sure you all finished shopping weeks ago), buy him an electronic store. The only problem is, even though you'll be his hero, you'll still be in second place.
At this site, the copy machine, someone commented a couple days ago that I was "always struggling, wasn't I?"
I'm staring at the woman making my breakfast sandwich this morning much like Geronimo the Dog stares at me when I'm in the kitchen. Christmas is almost here as well. We can’t forget this.
December 21st, 2004
I'm sorry, but I need to move all other important matters aside for a moment due to the most wonderful surprise of the week. I just ordered a simple breakfast sandwich from my office building's deli. Despite not having sausage in their daily munitions store, the sandwiches are usually delicious and $CHEAP$!! But the whole sausage thing, remember? Not having it? That's ok, I usually get bacon in its place. I ordered a sandwich this morning and asked for sausage, remembered they didn't have it, then ordered bacon instead. My cancellation on the sausage, however, was never processed, and sure enough I opened my sandwich wrapper and realized I had SAUSAGE and BACON!!!!! Delinquent food service has turned a relatively stressful morning into the best morning of my life rather than vice versa.
This morning I submitted several "Basement Reels" to TriggerStreet. Now I sit patiently, waiting for piles upon piles of horrendous reviews to reach their final destination, my inbox. This site is for the serious short "film" maker, not a professional burrito-eating hack. The reviewers are a little stuffy, mostly recent film school graduates that make expensive, organized productions, which attempt to be identical replicas of either "Fight Club" or "The Ring." My productions, which usually take an hour or two do finish and spare all expenses, will be torn apart by these bloodthirsty critics...only instead of blood, they’re going to eat feelings. And obviously those feelings are mine.
Last night I went to a small, authentic, family-run burrito restaurant, "Tacos Pepitos Bakery III," right around the corner from my apartment. As soon as I walked in, the people behind the desk tensed a little. They shot each other nervous, but excited glances, knowing the city's most influential Gringo Burrito Expert had just walked in. Cooks were peaking out from the kitchen, trying to catch a quick glance, wondering my mood, my temperament, my fancy. Was I happy with the condiment selection? Would the burrito be substantial enough? What would I think of its consistency, variety, and wrap? Goodness, the pressure was mounting for them. My order seemed to have created a flurry of activity in the kitchen. There was screaming, disagreeing, objects being thrown, cooks rushing about...until finally, a couple dozen presenters (I imagine the cooks, as well as some family members, fans, etc.) showed up to the counter with a decently-sized brown paper bag in hand. The man holding it, a man I can only assume was the head chef or the leader of the pack, slowly handed it over to me with a twinge of pride escaping from his smirk, which had been half hidden by an unkempt, but thick black mustache. I believe they watched every detailed move that was now made as I turned around and exited that glorious little shop. Lo and behold, the burrito was astounding. The sour cream was chilled, which contrasted beautifully with the hot "carne asada," making a FIVE STAR taste. You should be proud Mrs. Tacos Pepitos Bakery III, your child makes the perfect East coast burrito.
Other than that, despite all efforts NOT made by Verizon to contact me prior to shutting off my cell phone service, they went ahead and shut if off anyway...which is nice being Christmas time and all. I think on Christmas, cell phone debt should all be forgiven. Where's your Christmas spirit? I’m thinking about inquiring further into Tacos Pepitos Bakery. There’s definitely something special on that corner. And nothing brightens up your day like having the smell smoked bacon on your fingertips to repeatedly enjoy.
December 20th, 2004
I'm not sure if words could accurately describe how cold it was this morning at 5am. Some words would be better than others...for example, descriptions like: "cold, frigid, bitter, and freezing" would certainly be closer than "hot, hellishly hot, sweaty, musical, or sad." The brunt of the pain came as I entered the unprotected domain of "Suicide Bridge," an unforgiving 300-foot stretch of exposed concrete walkway. When the glacial gusts of wind that were born specifically to spread a teeth-chattering chill through the immediate area rushed to fulfill their destinies all at once, they created an ambush, slaughtering every last drop of remaining comfort I had. It was at this point in the morning—standing in the middle of "Suicide Bridge," face burning from unspeakable coldness—when I realized I would be floating if it weren't for that bridge. Or walking on air. Or falling (and it's a long fall!). I'd like to thank those responsible for building that mysterious bridge, they saved my life this morning.
Similarly, it could be said that there's something about watching a grown man riding a well-trained bull that people find depressing, a reminder or our enslavement and dominance over these much more powerful and in some cultures, divine, beasts. Before you draw up too much sympathy though, remember that if the bulls were in charge of the world, they'd probably ruin it (with the exception of maybe Wall Street). People tend to associate greed, malice, and pride as traits practiced only by humans, however, I'd hate to see the power lust of a bull, or bear, or worse yet, a lion (talk about pride). I think overall, the restraint and discipline of humanity is relatively impressive.
I narrated and created animation for a short film, "Rio De La Muerte," which entered in the National 48 Hour Film Challenge a couple months back, the results are in. It was a success:
"Rio De La Muerte"
--Best Film (National) Runner-up, "Rio De La Muerte"
--Best in the East, "Rio De La Muerte"
--Best Directing (Jorge Maldonado), "Rio De La Muerte"
--Best Graphics, "Rio De La Muerte"
It should only be a matter of time now before fame taunts me to “change.” Let me just say one thing before this happens. If I could eat lobster and steak everyday, it is very possible that I'd pay little mind to burritos. I’m warning burritos everywhere right now. I’d come back eventually, but at the beginning, I think I’d pretend you didn’t even exist. It's your inability to be flexible that I am most turned off by.
December 17th, 2004
You know who doesn't get enough credit? Cat burglars. It takes a lot of courage to sneak into a dark house, maybe more than I have. Many times, the one thing aspiring cat burglars overlook is the uncertainty and peril of darkness and shadow. What if whatever's on the other side of that door or window is scarier than you are? If I heard a burglar breaking into my home and had ample warning, I could successfully scare the jeebers out of him or her. I'd hide under my desk, and using all of Taquet Studio's technologically advanced, special-effect capabilities, create a terrifying world of echoing voices and bone-chilling projections for this unfortunate foe. Once they were frozen on the ground in pure fright, I'd appear with my cape and horsewhip in a red-tinted light and plumes of smoke.
I received a wonderful surprise this morning. The important woman I did the animation clip for came to MY room at work to give me some Christmas cookies, a Pez dispenser, and a thank you card. These cookies are special though.
And here's why. First of all, look at the price. Its $9.99 for 9 or 10 normal-sized cookies. That's sounds delicious! Secondly, the ingredients. Sure, they look toxic, but don't be fooled! That's just an abnormal amount of food coloring. The ingredients are ALL NATURAL!! Hence, the price. These iced cookies defy the laws of palatable sustenance by tasting like they're bad for you, tricking you into feeling guilty for eating FIVE of them before 10 in the morning, and then actually having the following respectable list of natural ingredients, which technically you could rearrange to make an omelet:
Butter
Margarine
Eggs
Vanilla
Flour
Sugar
I'm not sure of the reason for having butter as the number one ingredient and margarine as the number two, but then again it's not really place to question genius.
Someone informed me last night that I'm not absolutely NOT spontaneous. At first I brushed it off as a silly, uninformed assertion. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought it might be true. As long as I get all of my work done, it may be possible to schedule an hour or so of spontaneity somewhere in the day. This would probably be good for me. I just have too much of an agenda over the next 20 years, and I can't afford to get behind.
This weekend will be amazing. I can tell because there is nothing in the world like free pizza. I received a wonderful free pizza last night, ate half of it, and brought the other half for lunch today. This is very positive and is giving me a full head of steam going into the weekend.
December 16th, 2004
I set my alarm for 4:40am this morning. At the crack of pre-dawn, “Operation Thursday” was underway. The day’s inevitable state of quandary began when I noticed a few oddities while crossing "Suicide Bridge." First, My legs hadn’t performed four complete strides onto the former diving board to death when my peripheral caught the likeness of a flying black cat on the opposite side of the road to my right. The cat was flying much faster than you'd expect a cat to fly, about the same speed as a car. Ironically, a car was approaching from the opposite direction and the flying cat appeared to vanish at impact with the vehicle's headlights. I shook my head and kept walking. A few steps later, just when things were back to normal, an offensive entity came within my presence. Though this type of apparitional activity is common there, I grimaced nonetheless. There just wasn’t time for it today! I turned to my side, and found that walking next to me was an invisible jamboree of HIGHLY offensive odor. "Ugh. That's gross." Plugging my nose and noticing the smell was coming from what seemed to be the feet of the hideous beast, I looked down and noticed an enormous black pipe laid out along the span of the bridge. No doubt a busy highway for fecal commuters, and this was undoubtedly rush hour. I was a little concerned by the direction in which this pipe was pointing...you guessed it, towards our local stubborn Chipotle.
When I arrived at the Metro stop, I surprisingly found myself pleasantly surprised. Thanks to a special promotion, all rides were free from 5:00am to 9:45am. Initially, the unreliable Metro’s attempt to mend relations with me after being so delinquent for so long made me happy. I had to make haste though, no time for prolonged ceremonies of appreciation—although I did manage to point my finger at the station manager and flash a charming wink. After waiting 15 minutes for the first train (so they open at 5:15am, not 5:00am), the trip to work took 20 minutes longer than usual. SO I actually ended up being late to work. And what's more, I realize that the Metro didn't even pay for the half-hearted promotion, it was an advertising ploy by some bank with an orange lion for a logo. And lazy, inconsiderate Metro decided to not only take advantage of it by sending only THREE trains throughout the first hour of operation, but they tried to take credit for the good (but stupid) deed. How I wish I could take back that wink!!
And furthermore, reports have confirmed that it was an accidental drug overdose that was responsible for killing rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard last month. No offense to Mrs. Bastard, but what a shocker that is! Geeze Ghristmas.
As the world's population stands as still as a stone statue, holding its breath in tense anxiety and captivation while waiting for the recount of votes in the State of Ohio for the Presidential election, I move on...hungry and aiming for the clouds. Ohio, I'm sorry, but let it go. Seriously. You have a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to worry about.
December 15th, 2004
Beginning at the stroke of midnight, a major executive from "The Chipotle Diaries" will be updating burrito column every minute for the entire day.
12:00am Well, it's midnight. I'm still awake, working away at work. It'll be a long one tonight no doubt. Right now I'm sipping on a cup of old coffee and chewing on a wooden stirrer.
12:01am Still chewing on the wooden stirrer. Coffee is now one minute older. Can't really taste the difference yet.
12:02am Haven't really gotten too much done yet today. Seems like it'll be a long night.
12:03am Just sitting here, thinking about where the day has gone.
12:04am Getting hungry. Wondering what I should eat. I brought a lot of food earlier this evening that was supposed to last until tomorrow afternoon, but I made a poor judgement call and already ate most of it. Running low on supplies. I'll write again soon.
12:05am Coffee stirrer mostly chewed. Need to find real food again soon. Wood no longer satisfying. Remembing what it was like earlier in the night when I was eating. Wishing I didn't waste so much. In retrospect, making food sculptures now seeming like bad idea.
12:06am Found a sleeve of Ritz crackers. Ate them. Happy, for now.
12:07am Hungry again. Wishing I rationed crackers.
12:08am Wondering how long I can last without food. Stomach now growling. Everything beginning to look like dancing drumstick.
12:09am Sent out email to friend for help. Hoping they respond soon. Stuck. Alone. Afraid.
12:10am Did some push-ups, but stopped after a few hundred when I remembered that exercise burns precious calories. Boredom insuing. When will my emails be answered?? Will they? Or am I stuck here!
12:12am Must have spaced last minute. Attribute this to delirium.
12:13am to present Although experts have confirmed burrito activity, no record is known of the transpired events.
Moving along.
The "Honorable" Timothy Ellender, a judge from Louisiana was suspended without pay for six months yesterday for wearing blackface makeup, handcuffs and a jail jumpsuit to a Halloween party in 2003. Of course, this begs the obvious question--judges dress up for Halloween? But seriously folks, wouldn't you think the first thing a judge would do when picking out a Halloween costume is NOT pick out that one?
Is anyone else as outraged as I am about the former NYPD Police Commissioner's LOVE NEST?? I've been on the verge of tears every last second of every day since the awful news was rightfully revealed to the world. Not tears of happiness or sadness, but instead tears of shear ANGER. My fists have held a constant clench, my teeth a consistent grit. Arrrghhh. Arrrrgh-uably the biggest story of the year. I say don't stop until the cavernous vacuums of what's left of this monster's soul (the part he hasn't sold to Satan yet) are extracted, skinned, and fried in a pan with no butter. We'll use a rusty Brillo pad to scrape clean the pan, which would be more worthy of our companionship than it's horribly cooked current inhabitant. But what's really wrong with this not-so-great-but-not-so-different-from-anyone-else guy? Can you imagine the swing of events over the last two weeks for him? Do you think his wife organized a surprise celebration party for him? So, so proud. And then....ugghhh. "Sorry, dear?"
There is nothing a parrot hates more than to be ignored. This statement, believe it or not, is 100 percent true. I was up all night howling with the owls, and this morning I’ve been soaring with the eagles. Hence, the senses are dulled to perfection.
December 14th, 2004
Last night the BBC news reported a small story on an "American man" that just received the death penalty for killing his pregnant wife. I thought to myself, "Who is this man, and why hasn't the America media made a big of deal about it as the Scott Peterson case??" To me, the details sound eerily similar. Of course, seeing as how Scott is so popular, you'd think this other one would be too. Maybe this other guy isn't as insignificant of a scumbag as our old fertilizer salesman.
Yesterday a large group of illegal aliens got together in Southern California for a protest concerning their right to obtain a normal U.S. driver's license. If I was in a position to deal with this matter I would consider one major detail...this protest would be a great place to find illegal aliens!! There wouldn't even have to be any chasing down, just tell them to come down to the station to get their new whatever they want.
The biggest threat right now to Americans in my opinion is obesity. This problem is literally making our lives more difficult. Experts are saying that it is in our nature to eat as much food as we have in front of us, usually much more than we need. In their view, the reason American's are so fat is because the portions are too large!! This type of thinking is dangerous. Very dangerous. Restaurants (with the exception of Hardees) are already making it a priority to create smaller portions in their dishes. Where are our priorities??? Does anyone else see this as a problem? It's causing me anxiety to think portions would become any more insufficient then they already are.
Someone close to me is giving me a hard time because I took a freelance animation job this evening that I won't get paid for. "You need to learn how to get your career going! You are letting people take advantage of you." I agree that I'm not so great at the whole "business side" of business, but last night I sat on my couch for an entire HOUR, just watching tv. That's it! Doing nothing. So I am welcoming the work. I need to tune my skills in a professional setting. All that Flash website work was making me anxious. I don't so much like that type of thing.
You don't see signs like this too often in life, so when you do...take it. I did. I took an enormous piece when no one was looking. Someone left this delicious almond custard cake in the kitchen at work this morning:
I'm going to have to fight these savages the prize, may the hungriest win. Actually, the old saying goes, "Hungry dogs work harder" or something like that. Not true for me. I get tired and upset.
December 13th, 2004
The treacherous tale of Viktor Yushchenko has finally reached Shakespearian proportions as Amsterdamnian scientists confirm that dioxin, a toxic chemical, had been the poison responsible for his pain and deformity:
Many believe that the infinite Soviet resources available to Ukraine's current Prime Minister, Viktor Yanukovych (not Viktor Yushchenko) are responsible for poisoning Viktor Yushchenko (not Viktor Yanukovych). In a speech, Yushchenko said he was not going publicly accuse anyone specifically of being responsible for this crime until the runoff election is over, and that it was definitely the KGB. Whoever ends up victor, you can be sure that Viktor is going to have a lot to explain about the incident with Viktor.
This weekend I witnessed an enormous occurrence of goodwill, and to my good fortune it was directed towards me. I received a pile of gifts from my uncle and aunt; the most significant being two new pairs of shoes. I am now able to hold my head at a normal level when I walk the streets, instead of shamefully between my legs. More importantly, my joints don't hurt, and my feet don't have perpetual layer of slimy, black, leather paste covering them. If you can imagine, this makes life easier.
"Always A Bridesmaid" aired on TLC last night. I will enjoy the fame and success that was promised to me by the evil woodland witch upon my birth many years ago. I just got to work, but I imagine as the world slowly wakes up, they'll soon remember what it was they repeatedly promised themselves prior to bedtime the previous evening. Make an attempt at acquiring a picture, an autograph, or basically any sort of memorabilia from the most famous celebrity this world has ever seen!
If someone asks you politely to stop eating burritos, before you stop first ask them why. If they do not respond with a perfect answer (laced with dioxin, along those lines...), DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. The decision of burrito abstinence is yours alone. Never forget this or anything if you can.
December 10th, 2004
Yesterday it rained. It rained a lot. In fact, I was unable to avoid it. Do you remember? My shoes aren't in the best shape. I fear that this storm was devastating for the poor fellows...crippling, if you will. Despite having already fulfilled their commitment to this world, the shoes actually performed surprisingly well. If I remember correctly, it was about four minutes before my bare feet were completely soaked. When I say soaked, I mean I might as well have stepped into a duck pond. The great thing was that the wet, leathery insides were slimier than usual! That feels funny on the feet...gross, if you will. If I was forced at gunpoint to describe the sensation using only perishable items you would find in a country kitchen, it would be as follows:
1. Take 10 moderately sized slices of cold-cut ham and neatly stack them on top of one another.
2. Spread a uniform layer of cold mash potatoes (about a centimeter thick) upon the ham.
3. Stand on it.
4. Bind the delicious food and your foot into a stretchy, but unbreakable tortilla shell.
5. Pour five pints of olive oil on top and into cracks.
I know, I know, it sounds amazing. Surprisingly, it was awful. Very uncomfortable.
Last night I had a dream about a stuck-up gourmet mushroom that was given to a homeless man. The homeless man is about to eat it and the gourmet mushroom was feeling completely sorry for itself. "I could have been stuffed, sliced, diced, stirred, whipped, creamed...hell, anything!! Anything other than the damning fate I've unjustly been sentenced to!! This man's hands are stinking filthy! Goodness me." FRIDAY'S LIGHTENING ROUND:
--Canada has become our alter-ultra-liberal-ego?
--Powdered coffee creamer? Healthy? Who cares!
--Message to the NHL: Keep yourselves.
--Protein bars alone do not make a sufficient breakfast.
--I LOVE POTBELLY. I do. I love it more than any other restaurant and I'll fight any man that says differently.
"Lightening never strikes twice in the same place." This old quote is undoubtedly false. It can and it does. You just watch.
December 9th, 2004
I’ve had the busiest morning imaginable. For example, imagine the busiest morning you can. Now imagine that is doubled. Got it? That’s my morning. The busiest imaginable.
You know, I think it’s a problem when people aren’t objective enough. A lot of time people think they’re being objective or not judging, but they entirely are! It’s almost impossible not to. For example:
The right me is looking at the ridiculous hair of the left me. But you know what? If the right me took a moment to look at myself, then I’d realize that I’m no better then myself. I have the same hair.
I’ve made some strides on my sleeping problem yesterday. For starters, I no longer need the television playing in the background to fall asleep. In fact, I prefer it to be completely silent. Dark and silent. Last night when the burden of my heavy eyelids became too much to tolerate, and my nerves eased into a much-needed stupor, it was the glamour and comfort of a blaring Fox News channel that flew by my wing side and aided a wounded old bomber back onto the darkened deck of my snoozy warship. Tonight, I'm not sure what it'll be, but like I said, probably nothing.
I worked on finishing the Flash website for Larry A. Allen last night. I made some improvements, but it still has more glitches than a Ukranian election. You can visit at www.larryaallen.com.
For goodness sake, never stop eating! Always eat. It’s the fuel for life. Always remember that. Chipotle burritos are a lot of fuel because they’re enormous, and that’s one of the only reasons I still like them.
December 8th, 2004
I lost couple good eggs last night. At least they might have been good if they hadn't cracked mid-boil. So I had four lousy hardboiled eggs this morning instead of six. Even though the fate of each young egg as it was precariously placed into the boiling pot was at this point still unknown, the outcome could only have been one of two things. Either the heat would cause the cold, raw egg to split and leak its contents into the surrounding water, or it would successfully harden and be consumed at sunrise the following day. But rest assured, the perishable will inevitably, well, perish.
The problem with dogs is that they don't understand when you are late for work. I slept in a little bit this morning to help out the old antibodies, which are currently engaged in futile combat against a superior force of Flu. Geronimo the Dog usually understands that I am not going to walk him at 5 in the morning. For some reason though, this morning he met me at my bedroom door jumping up and down and twirling in circles. I kept saying, “Geronimo, I’m late for work. What’s your problem?” I think he heard, “Domino, la la WALK. SQUIRRELLLLLLL. You like squirels, boy? huh? You want to go catch some squirels and then I'll barbecue them up for ya?" I felt so bad because he followed my heels until I left the door. I even tried giving him a doggy treat, but he was so bent on walking and sniffing (my dad used to tell me that sniffing is like reading the newspaper for dogs), that he ignored it all together. Perhaps something was outside? Lo! Behold! Hark, hark ye! Mind! Halloo! Observe! On my walk to the subway I ogled a ten-foot long pile of horse manure on that sinister bridge…you know, “Suicide Bridge.” Did Geronimo know something I didn’t?
Yesterday someone put a free cheesecake in the kitchen (yes, it was a great day for free sugar). I naturally took a slice. But you know what I did that was above and beyond? I thought my friend might also want a slice, so I grabbed him one and headed over to his room. “Dang, that’s right! He didn’t come in today.” Oh well. I guess I can’t put the slice back at this point, I mean I’ve already touched it. Anyone that knows cheesecake, at least like I do, knows that these things are relatively SMALL. Small and extremely rich. So an extra slice of cheesecake may have been crippling to the unit as a hole, but to me it was delicious. I don’t think of myself as selfish because it was an honest mistake. In fact, I was trying to do something good!
Scouring the terrain for new and exciting desserts, always.
December 7th, 2004
I'm not sure what elements must be present for someone to spontaneously decide to bring donuts into work (to share), but it makes the day so much more cheerful. I just made the decision of a lifetime. When I came to work this morning at 6am, there was a box of Dunkin Donuts sitting on an equipment cart outside of my door, most likely from the overnight crew. Left in the box were three donuts:
1.Powdered, Apple filling
2. Powdered, Cherry Filling
3. Chocolate-Glazed, Custard (projected) Filling
The choice at first seems obvious...chocolate-glazed with custard (projected) filling. I, of course, trying to be objective, decided to give a fair and thorough assessment of each choice before I made a decision. Herein, the donuts will be addressed by their respected fillings. So. The CHERRY donut seemed like a really good second choice, APPLE came in last. Contemplation and a little creative role-playing allowed me to eventually place the CHERRY donut in the role of lead-donut. The only problem was, between the CHERRY donut and the APPLE donut (nearly identical the more I look), the CHERRY donut was the smaller one. But like "Good Will Hunting" in the Best Picture award during the 1998 Oscars, sometimes the most logical and deserving choice shouldn't win because it's just too much of an underdog. If I were to pick the APPLE donut--the powdered, apple-filled donut--it would set a standard that would affect all of my important choices for years to come. The fact is, the chocolate-glazed, custard (projected) donut was my first choice for a reason. Simply, it's the best donut. I chose that one.
I am getting a scratchy throat. Finally! With my subconscious refusal to sleep, getting sick seemed inevitable for me, so I'm glad that it's finally here. Last evening before I went to bed (a mandatory bedtime at 11pm last night), I enjoyed a teaspoon or two of NyQuil. I woke up, refreshed, at 4:45am and with no recollection of falling asleep or what day it was. A bit too early still, so I fell back asleep and didn't stir for another 30 minutes until the second snooze on my safety alarm went off. NyQuil should be used sparingly because it will fill up a sleep deficit like a rainstorm will fill up a crackled, dried-out desert bed. Hardees has a new "THICK BURGER" that offers a generous 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat.
I had a race this morning with the rainstorm, a running race to and from the Metro (subway). I wanted to get to and fro without getting my shoes soaked. You know what eventually did me in? It wasn't the rain coming from the top; it was the puddles coming in from the hole in the bottom. Isn't that the thing that always screws you? The one thing you don't expect? Expect everything! Always.
I'm going to get that damn cherry donut.
December 6th, 2004
I just asked one of my "supervisors" into my room at work to help me with a technical issue. One of my machines hasn't been working properly for a while. The problem is, technicians keep coming in to fix this machine, and I keep telling everyone it's broken. I'm not doing this for attention or just being lazy, the machine IS actually broken. The technicians now get together and make jokes about what's wrong with MY deck...they say it's a bad connection between the "deck and the chair." Anyway, the supervisor that just left my room was in on this "outside" joke, and she made a little comment when I just recently asked (politely) for help: "Stop messing with your deck, man! Geeeeze." To her, this was just a little supervisor-subordinate bantering...a one-way path where I'm expected to sheepishly chuckle at whatever comes out of her important mouth. Instead, I responded with fury and wrath. Initially, I meant to engage in a jousting match of wordplay and riddling, but ended up lashing out as if she was my daughter and had just missed curfew. It's a little awkward now between us because I probably shouldn't have used the tone I did with my "boss," and she knows that even though her joke was harmless, it was unnecessary. We're walking on eggshells around here, and if you type 77345663 into a calculator and turn it upside down, you should be looking at the word "eggshell."
I took a ten billion mile walk last night across town to drop my rent check off. Under different circumstances, certain characteristics of the evening could have deemed it foreboding. For instance, the crisp, cool surrounding air was thickly saturated with an eerie calmness. The serenity seemed to contradict itself, however, as pine-bound wreaths flapped in vain against doorways, and dried leaves wafted above empty parking lots. The streetlamps that endowed my trail with the familiar auburn glow of an old photo album also provided a perfect cover for any ghoulish anomalies to loom and gather force. But all of this…the invisible breezes, struggling garlands, and electric burn of the individual streetlights only offered silence. The rhythmic cadence of my efficient power gate provided the only soundtrack for the adventure. It was under these circumstances that I stopped at an empty lot where "they" were selling Christmas trees, all lit up by strands of white holiday lights:
You know what is disgusting? Surprisingly, the biggest sandwich in the world. I'm actually insulted by how dry it looks!! All that bread is my nightmare.
Let’s take the week by storm—and see if we can’t put together some good, wholesome meals. As a much wiser man than me once said: BURRRRRRIto out-
December 3rd, 2004
I was sitting dolefully in my office room this morning, listening to "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack when "Past the Point of No Return" came on. I started getting very anxious about wasted time, not unusual for me. I'm ready to pounce like a panther, or a leopard, or a lion...basically any sort of large predatory cat that pounces. I think a panther would probably be best, but to be honest I'm not exactly sure about the specifics, at least with the cats. I just don't know enough about their individual behaviors to choose for sure. Either way, I feel like I'm surfing down a giant escalator with a band of large, talking predatory cats flying behind me. Ahem.
So I guess I'm a promoter now. A person from "Dream" nightclub, the most popular and lucrative nightclub in the country, mentioned the possibility of me promoting for the club. This is an upscale club. The only problem is, I have holes in the soles of my shoes. I feel like the poor boy in Paul Simon's "Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes."
He's a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose...
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave
To compensate for his ordinary (holey) shoes
Tonight the Josh Fix tour comes to DC and we'll see how good of a promoter I was for that. Not too good I reckon.
I waste paper cups at work. Sometimes I'm too impatient to walk so I run. New York is too expensive. Sometimes I like Mondays better than Fridays. Getting on the wrong bus this morning made me an hour and a half late to work. See, sometimes I don't pay attention to details I should pay attention to. Important ones, too. Many times I compromise quality for the sake of expediency, and this is not good. I need to learn patience. A lot of people say, "Patience is a virtual." I never understood what that meant, but I think that patience is an asset or advantage. I could use a burrito. And obviously patience.
December 2nd, 2004
It was 5:20am...I was walking to the subway for work. The street had approached its deepest level of sleep...pre-dawn. Why then, was there a funny-looking man wearing a dark brown derby standing in front of the bank? I gave him a polite "morning" nod, and it was his over-enthusiastic response that lured my suspicion. Given the time and place, it was a little too cheerful to be sincere, a little too anxious to be ignored. I was running a bit late, so I obviously couldn't investigate, but if I were a betting man I'd be willing to bet that he was the lookout for a caper unfolding inside that poor bank. I'd be willing to bet a lot of money on that.
For 83 years, the United States has held a ban on avocado imports from Mexico. Yesterday, however, the Bush administration made a decision that even its biggest adversaries had to be excited about--perhaps with the exception of the state of California. The Agricultural Department will be lifting the ban on Mexican avocado imports. The 4,800 Californian avocado farms are furious, saying they'll lose everything. You know what though? I feel bad for the State itself, and of course our country (losing all those job farms), but if $1.25 guacamole is the best you can do then I wholly welcome the international avocado. Am I the ONLY person who finds that unreasonable??? It's APPALLING!!
It's never too early to conjure up a mischievous scheme. Geeze, look at my damn eyes, they're awful looking. I need more sleep. a LOT more sleep.
"A time a man spends while fishing is never deducted from his life span." Be a fisherman. Live longer. I love seafood. I've never even eaten an artificial seafood I didn't like. I've met some artificial fishermen that I didn't like, but I'm just all together a big sucker for seafood.
December 1st, 2004
I'm not having the best hair day, but I am looking forward to my disgusting "THE BOMB" frozen burrito lunch. The anticipated joy of those wonderful 1,200 calories of pure processed beef and cheese resting securely in my stomach is getting me through this otherwise dreary morning.
"The Bomb," immortalized by Booty Thunder.
The deadly WWII German Tiger tank was nearly impossible to knock out back in its heyday. It was said by people who actually saw the tank and survived that if you ever saw the Tiger tank on the battlefield, you had no chance of survival. It was comparable to when the Romans used to ride enormous elephants into the battle, and the important thing to remember about elephants is that they never forget. Also, elephants are afraid of mice. Similarly, Tiger tanks are afraid of nothing. It's the operators that fear death and destruction. Elephants, however, are the true kings of the jungle and fear nothing. Sure, sometimes a pride of lions will snatch a baby elephant that may have wandered off on its own, but rest assured that the lions would be met with a reckoning so rageful that even the horned Minotaur guarding the rocky ravines in the seventh circle of Hell would generate some sympathy. A vengeance too profound and dreadful to depict in the sheltered and innocent chamber walls of this burrito column.
My big mouth got me a job that I wasn't entirely qualified to do, so ever since Saturday I've been trying to learn Flash for a website I was commissioned to create for someone. Learning a new program for me can sometimes be a frantic process where I begin a furious campaign of trial-and-error learning everything else in the program first before I actually find the one thing I'm looking for right then. The website is still missing a lot and is buggy, but the main idea is there. For the record, I don't love making these things. And as with most other projects like this, I tend to go into seclusion for a time period roughly equivalent to the period of time it takes me a finish. This one didn't take too long. LARRY A. ALLEN website
November 30th, 2004
Wal-Mart is known for their good quality, low prices, and love for spending money in China. The company is expected to dish out over $18 million dollars this year to Chinese manufacturers and employees...and yes, that's $18 million dollars that could be going INTO the U.S. economy instead of out. I'm sorry--I'm getting something in my earpiece here...ok. Apparently we have to make a bit of a correction here at the Chipotle Diaries...Wal-Mart will buy $18 BILLION dollars worth of Chinese manufactured goods, not the pathetic $18 million as previously reported. So if I am not mistaken, that would make the Republic of Wal-Mart China's eighth largest trade partner, ahead of Russia, Australia, and yes...Canada. Speaking of which, President Bush is currently enjoying the rustic hospitality of our Northern neighbor. He's attempting to mend our beef disputes and will not return until this potentially explosive issue is resolved.
A lot of times I get a little intimidated around people who know everything and are perfect. The reason being is that I acknowledge that I am imperfect and therefore inferior. It's always hard to compete with someone that is perfect because they are always right. Sometimes I wish I could be more like them, but I guess the world needs role players too.
I was walking Geronimo the Dog last night through a mysterious park that borders the Dark Forest under "Suicide Bridge." The park might be thought of as a transitional pathway between the "city" and the "Dark Vortex." I'd be lying to you if I said that there is nothing creepy about this place at nighttime. Eyes peering out from the tree line, the feeling of someone following me, spies in the trees. Something is conspiring down there. Geronimo the Dog can sense it as well. He feels somewhat protected and confident as long as he's with me, but I feel a time may come (and soon!) where my outstanding physique and dangerous horsewhip may not be enough to keep whatever impious scheme may be brewing at bay. His once intense and consistent stares at me while we sit in the apartment have grown utterly intense and steadily consistent, especially when I'm eating salami and cheese. I feel the salami and cheese are somehow representative in his dog mind of the evil that lurks underneath the pass.
November 29th, 2004
Despite waiting for the Metro train for 30 minutes this morning and finding out my index fingertip and thumb were a little too dry to pick up my papers from the printer on the first and second try (in fact not until I licked them), I am having a great Monday morning. It's an amazing, stressed-out, high-strung, and happy morning. Seriously, though. The Metro's (subway) tardiness and unpredictability is my downfall. I have no patience for this nonsense. It causes me to mutter and pace, mutter and pace. Scary. The problem is, I need someone to blame, and the reality is that no such person exists. Except for some managers and people like that.
Video cameras are everywhere now, folks. What does this mean? Two things. First, no matter where you are now, you can't to be uncool. No more doing strange dances in the elevator that you normally wouldn't do in front of anyone, ever. Someone mentioned to me this morning that my "work badge" should be visible when I walk around the hallways. You know, I don't think I'm going to do this. I'm sure Axel Foley and Sonny Crockett caught a lot of slack back in the day for not wearing their proper uniforms too. If you're looking for a citrusy garnish for your Texmex, Chipotle offers lemons wedges. In my mind, lemon wedges work better for Chipotle burritos (not Baja Fresh--you want limes) than limes do; However, I firmly believe that we should at least be given the option. Turkey day was more like Wurkey day. For the first time in my life, I was unable to spend Thanksgiving with my parents and brothers. Despite the rumors though, I didn't stay home alone with a dog that stares at me like a fat kid stares at cake. No, my uncle asked me to come along with him to my aunt's aunt's house where I proceeded to pummel myself with astronomical portions of food. And then I predictably fell asleep in a rocking chair.
November 25th, 2004
THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY
November 24th, 2004
If I could use one word to describe today it would be wet feet. Walking to and from the subway this morning was all I needed to convincingly soak my shoes. Naturally, I've since slipped my shoes off and stuffed them with newspaper to soak up the moisture and expedite the drying process. The only problem is, I'm like a tiger that has yet to eat breakfast--grumpy, moody, and hungry. But it's raining outside! Where shall I go? I've already eaten a third of a jar of peanut butter and mentally, that's not a pleasing or adequate breakfast. If it's not on a normal breakfast menu, I usually won't consider it a proper breakfast. So a cheeseburger? If I eat a cheeseburger before 11 in the morning, in my mind I will still not have eaten breakfast. But throw an egg on there and we have a deal.
Ruben Studdard was hospitalized with exhaustion? You can be hospitalized for that? Wow. That's amazing. Basically, you get a perfectly legitimate doctor-issued excuse to go to the hospital and snooze for a week? Considering...
But seriously, the top story of today (which appears third on the list only because of anchor incompetence) is the Thanksgiving holiday. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Apparently the pizza delivery folk have been attempting to form a union for quite a little while now. The spokesman claims they only make 6 dollars an hour (plus $0.75 a delivery and tips), and they think they should make 9 dollars an hour (plus $0.75 an hour and tips!!) AND be reimbursed for mileage. Under the new purposed compensation plan, if these deliverers DO THEIR JOB and deliver 5 pizzas in an hour (this is not unreasonable, considering they're sitting around doing nothing if they're not delivering), they're basically making more money than I do. I have an idea. Why don't you just focus on maybe being promoted to pizza maker? Isn't that a better job? Probably more pay? Follow your dreams. Follow your greasy dreams all the way to the top. I'm considering not tipping pizza delivery anymore. It's like me giving money to my boss. Now I bring us back to word I said earlier could sum up today...Thanksgiving. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
November 23rd, 2004
Happiness is my relative, or rather, happiness is relative. The highlight of my day yesterday came while I was in the shower. I peeled the two Band-Aids off my shin (they peeled easy, which was really nice because I was expecting a struggle), crumpled them up into a loosely wound ball, and then banked them off the wall into the garbage can. It was just kind of one of those moments you think only happens in the movies.
Many groups are still outraged by bill just passed in Congress, which is aimed at reducing the deficit. I don't mind people giving constructive criticism, but Robert Bixsly, the executive director of a group that favors deficit reduction, is blaming the budget problems on an APE! He said specifically, "If they don't start focusing on the 800-pound gorilla, they'll never be able to get control of the budget." Whatever dude.
WHO'S THE MAN NOW?
This one looks much better than the last. That sunless tanner made a gosh darn world of difference.
Christmas is around the corner and people all over the world will begin to take pride in their tree presentation:
For some reason I couldn't get that creepy dream with Niagara Falls out of my head. It's just so massive and uncontrollable that it kind of intimidates me, but underneath all of that, it's just like you and I, with real feelings. You can see for yourself:
 
Remember, when you are in a train that is passing another train in the same direction, the second train always seems longer than it really is. Space, time, and distance are all relative...which brings us full circle back to the beginning of the Chipotle Diary and also serves as a reminder of who I won't be seeing on this Thanksgiving Day.
November 22nd, 2004
Last night I had a dream that Niagara Falls all of a sudden just got tired of falling. It began a self-loathing process with "Creep" by Radiohead playing in the background. Maybe it didn't think people appreciated it enough? Maybe old age? The fact is, its meaning baffles me. I think it wouldn't be an awful thing though if we stopped taking Niagara Falls for granted. People may think that it doesn't have feelings because it's so big. I know from experience and I can give you a 100 percent guarantee that big things have feelings too. I refuse to even comment on the Indiana-Detroit fight this weekend. Not even one single word. Not one. The only thing I'll even come close to saying about is that the players responsible should be banished from the NBA forever. Period. They made a mistake that in my mind is unforgivable.
I don't ever want to see you play professional basketball again.
Some things you might want to know about me before we start dating:
1. TOO TRUSTING--Too trusting of public restroom toilet seats.
2. McDONALD'S BREAKFAST--Now this isn't a bad thing, just a fact. I don't like McDonald's regular food menu anymore, but I still love the breakfast menu. A delicious and very healthy place for breakfast.
3. I NEVER TALK TO MYSELF--I simply don't. No inner dialogue. I'm sorry if this is something you're looking for. Just a dark cavern of silence. Sorry!
It's time for lunch. I saw my dad this weekend, and he looked great. It's very encouraging to know that I'm going to age well. What a relief.
November 19th, 2004
The dog I live with is stalking me. He stares at me with determined vigilance, licking his lips, and shifting from paw to paw. I can open doors and create light. I can make a walk happen anytime, any place. I think what he's most impressed with though is my ability to catch the biggest and tastiest prey. And I'm not talking about a raw squirrel or a muskrat; I'm catching General Tso's Chicken and Philly Cheesesteaks. He must be like, "man, where the heck are you catching these--how do you say...Genahral Chows? They're delicious!! Let me ask you--are they hard to catch? Harder than squirrels? So tender."
How is Michael Jackson not more stressed out? He tacked on two more lawsuits this week to his already enormous pile of them. "Just throw it over there with the others, Bubbles." One by a gay porn producer and another by a clockmaker. He's very diverse in who he gets sued by. Diversity is always good. But don't you somehow feel, deep down inside, that his career is not over?? I can't help but to think that all his troubles will pass and he'll have a massive comeback. People joke about him, but everybody loves him and on some level, everyone feels sympathy for him. Anyways everyone, I just thought I'd let you know how you feel.
I was up late, late again doing some editing for a PAYING job. I'm very good at getting these "paying" jobs, but not so great at actually getting "paid." Sometimes I tend to focus too heavily on one thing, and will consequently neglect others. I don't do this intentionally, but it drives people crazy. My mother sometimes calls me exasperating. Like for example, look at me sitting here just going on and on about myself. I'm sorry, I didn't even ask...how are you? This is a phrase I hear myself saying often.
I wore a suit to work today because I need it for the "Who's The Man Now" reshoot at 2:30pm. On the subway this morning I popped a button on the collar of my white shirt. Last Monday all the people at the shoot said my shirt looked cheap (because it didn't have a straight collar), I can't imagine this will help...the missing button and a couple more days worth of wrinkles. I'm supposed to see my dad this weekend, but he's not feeling well so he might not make the trip. What a bummer. It's supposed to freaking rain all weekend anyway. I have to make it home for Thanksgiving, even if it's just for the day. My work is having an awful hard time getting back to me with my vacation requests, but no answer usually means no. We'll see about that.
If the Yankees get Pedro Martinez next year like the reports say, they better take some garden shears to that damn greaseglob of hair of his. I'm thinking something nice and respectable, you know, up around the ears.
Remember to write to your local Chipotle!
November 18th, 2004
So Russia is up to there old tricks again and Iran is so totally lying!! For some reason, there's something a little reassuring about having our old enemies back. They're more predictable. These new enemies are too creepy for me. But seriously, Putin has announced that Russia is nearly finished with a "secret" nuclear bomb that would be different from any other nuke the world has seen. Again, we're friends now. Ok? We share this type of stuff. I mean, you can tell us, can't you? We won't say anything. Listen, we're totally into this whole secret bomb thing too, dudes. Could you at least give us a hint? Russia!! This suspense is killing me! "Not like vis new mystery bomb vill kill you." What the heck does Russia need a new mystery bomb for anyway? And Iran keeps lying, lying, lying!! Fortunately, we just gave ourselves a $800 billion dollar credit increase! We must have been really diligent about paying off our debt or something.WHO'S THE MAN NOW
My goodness, my goodness. I look like hell. I sound like hell. Overall, I'm very disappointed with this first draft. Not from the production standpoint (made my Gear Shift Productions), but could I possibly be any paler??? That freaking shirt collar couldn't have been any looser (wasn't mine). And the sheen from the perspiration on my face! I sound like an a-hole. I'm staying behind the camera from now on. Or at least until I get a tan.
Rough cut 1
Rough cut 2 You know, I just watched those rough cuts and I just can't get over them. I have to burrito myself out this morning. I'm sorry burrito fans. I'm going to get some tea. Thanks for the memories. Sorry for everything.
Also, if you haven't seen this yet, check out the official celebrity endorsement that a film company I sort of hang out with sometimes just got. MESSAGE From George.
Also, I just spoke with Dream and we're reshooting. Maybe this time I won't suck.
November 17th, 2004
PETA is finally speaking up for fish. What took them so long?? According to some source, PETA now believes that fish are sensitive, thinking, and logical creatures that do not deserve to be eaten. Some of the practices of commercial fisherman, such as stunning the fish with electric shocks, should be banned and punishable by death. Furthermore, fish should be allowed to vote and eat in the same restaurants as us. When asked if fish should be allowed in "seafood" restaurants, PETA replied, "If they so wish." Media sources also interviewed the poor fisherman that lives with his wife in an old hut by the sea. The poor man is against aquatic suffrage, however, news sources doubt his credibility due to a prior experience he had with an unnamed "magic fish." Regardless, vegetarians that eat no meat, only fish are outraged, stating, "We're running out of normal tasting things to eat!" Recently I've been extremely busy working on production jobs that might actually yield me some capital. One problem, however, is that I still need to put in 100 hours of overtime with my real job by the end of the year. Or ELSE! So far I've only done one hour. And it was utterly miserable. I feel like I'm attempting takeoff in a plane on a runway with a cliff at the end of it. I've decided to throw it all in and go for it, but if the plane isn't in flight by the time I reach the end, we're plunging off the cliff and dropping faster than Justin Guarini's contract with RCA. I might need an co-pilot to help me pull back on the steering wheel though. It seems to be a little stuck. You know if you're walking down the hallway holding a cup filled to the brim with coffee and you're worried about it spilling over the edges, all you have to do is not look at it. Your hand, arm, and brain will balance it for you. I can't STAND websites that lock you in from pressing the "BACK" button on your browser. No matter how many times you press "BACK" you'll always stay at the same page. Do they honestly think I'll just give up and render the situation hopeless? "Well, it looks like we're gonna be stuck here for a while...might as well make the best of it. I'm gonna go explore a little bit." Is that when the web designer says, "SEE?? I told you, didn't I? Hahaha! He fell right into my little trap!"
Potatoes and seafood need to start playing a bigger role in burritos. I'm not just talking about "special" or "West Coast burritos," this trend should be everywhere. Let's step it up.
November 16th, 2004
I was at Union Station in DC last night, trying to get myself over to the "number one" nightclub in the world, "Dream," where I had job hosting a video that will post on the internet this Thursday. I had "insufficient funds" in my bank account and not a nickel in my pocket, so wearing my best black suit and black tie, I had to politely ask the bus driver if I could get a ride over to Dream. CUT TO: Two hours later. Formally dressed host sits on plush, red chair, addresses camera while holding 8-inch wide stack of $20 dollar bills ($10,000 dollars in cash) fanned out next to his face. Desperately hungry look on his otherwise handsome face. I was thinking to myself as the production assistant powdered my face down in between a take how I wouldn't even want a hole stack of these twenties, not even a few...I'd have been happy with just ONE!!! But overall I’m glad I did it. I was provided free water, dinner, and will be compensated nicely for my efforts.
I just got back from the grocery store. This early in the morning, it's usually pretty empty of customers, however, this translates into fewer employees and consequently slower lines. Of course, to counter these time-consuming traps you go to the express lane...but this is what everyone does. Now the secret of the road less traveled has gotten out and it's become the city's hippest and most popular path. So sometimes it's more popular to do the popular thing even know the popular people think the less popular thing is more popular because the more popular thing becomes less popular the second it becomes popular. The woman at the cash register was so nice though...she gave me a big smile and she kept calling me, "sweety." I feel bad that my check is going to bounce more than a bunny dribbling a basketball while jumping on a trampoline. Just joking. (feds)
Apparently Eminem’s new album, “Encore,” is another hit. Loopy, hooky, and groovy with his usual deeply poignant and personal lyrics. He keeps doing it, over and over again. It’s amazing how untouchable this guy is.
Speaking of untouchable, half of our new President's old cabinet is resigning. I hope Rudy Giuliani gets in there, I'd love to hear him talk every day. He's such a soothing bearer of bad news and who doesn't love good news? Except for maybe terrorists. Perhaps a nod for Tom Ridge's soon to be old job? I wonder which New England state this sign came from:
And until our beloved burritos start flowing again like they did once in the age of prosper and good fortune, I bid you adieu.
November 15th, 2004
Much like the city of Boston last month, the District of Columbia is currently in a state hysteria over a championship victory by a professional sport's team. The DC United took home its fourth straight Major League Soccer championship cup, but to be quite honest I had no idea the sport was still in season. I don't think anyone in DC did. But as I said earlier--hysteria. Well...there was a little blurb about it on the front page of the paper this morning. THE FRONT PAGE!!
Nothing combats the Monday morning blues like getting your favorite seat on the subway on the way to work. Check it out:
It's totally private, like your own little apartment. You can put your feet up on the ledge and the window divider is shaded.
So I ended up giving another 45 minutes of "relationship advice" to a work colleague (female) this morning. I feel like Frank Abagnale from "Catch Me If You Can," being able to give such expert advice from expert experience. You know, an entire three years of it. I'm like an old sage just trying to pass my wisdom on to the younger folk. Saul Lazo and Jose Gonzalez, two fine, upstanding members of the highly respected paparazzi profession filed a police report against CAMERON DIAZ and JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE yesterday. Poor things. According to their file they did nothing to harass the couple and they were standing 10 feet away just minding their own business when the two celebrities began first taunting, and then attacking them!! Diaz tripped one and stole his camera, while Timberlake yelled, "What are you going to do, man?? I know you are not going to do anything!" Savages!!!! Those gossip "reporters" were just trying to make a living!! Sure, they may leach from other people's hard work and talent, but so do leaches! Well, leaches leach blood, but mostly because that's all they really want. To them it's delicious.
I've been eating raisin bran, pasta, and peanut butter and jelly everyday for five days straight now. I'm not going to even look...just blindly hope that all those combined give me all my daily nutrients? They do, right? Don't answer that.
November 12th, 2004
Well, not surprisingly Ramallah has been swept over by the familiar wave of chaos. A mass mob of passionate Arafat supporters have taken over the city and like a drunken, abusive stepfather, many of them are looking to take out their rage out on whoever is closest. Despite a polite request to not do so by the leaders, many showed up to sporting the traditional funeral garb...head masks and machine guns. Children were hanging over walls screaming, "Whoever poisoned Arafat, we will drink his blood." Okay, not that I'm feeling guilty or anything, but I SO know who they're talking about. I can feel their stares.
I got two freelance video production jobs yesterday, which is nice because I'm leaning towards "crazy" at my real job. This morning some guys were talking in the copy room when I stopped in. I started saying something when one of them said, "Nah, we were talking about--" HAH. Now listen to this. I interrupted him yelling at the TOP of my lungs, "I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT!!" Silence. They stood in silence probably thinking to themselves how much better my shirt would look if it was tucked in. I slapped one of them on the back and walked down the hall singing. Crazy? No. Just keeping myself amused.
Bill Maher is being sued by an ex-girlfriend over broken promises. She says in the report that he promised they would get married and have children, and buy a house together in Beverly Hills similar to the one that Ben Affleck and Jlo had. Yikes. So now I have to scrap my entire collection of polished pickup lines in fear of getting SUED for a little embellishment. I guess I just have to stick with the boring old truth...that I own a major film company and I can make anyone famous. Oh well.
"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad."
--Salvador Dali
Great quote, but not true in my case. I'm furious about my lunch portion being so small. I cooked pasta, but accidentally ate too much of it last night.
November 11th, 2004
A new report came out today saying vitamin E will eventually kill you. I guess it can't really be called a "vitamin" anymore. Vitamins can't be BAD for you. So now poor E is ousted from the safe community it was once such a productive and upstanding member of...ousted into the darker and dangerous city limits. A lonely and scary place where instead of hanging out with Barney Rubble and Fred Flinstone, it'll be brushing shoulders with sheets of Pokeman stamps. Maybe it'll be able to somehow find it's old friend Vioxx and the two fallen heroes will take refuge with each other.
To the makers of Saran wrap: Please stop making colored wrap. I don't know why, but I hate it. I think it looks stupid. I think there is no good reason for it. I think a lot about it and I don't like it.
Let me give some reasons why being a bachelor is so AMAZING:
1. LONLINESS--Loneliness translates into "freedom." Freedom, as we all know, is really cool. You can walk around your apartment in your boxers and snot rocket in the street when you want. There are some other things you can do too.
2. EATING ALONE--oh yeah, this one is great. You can eat alone and not have anyone (except for a freaking dog if you have one) be staring at you the whole time because you eat like a savage pig.
3. HANGING OUT-- Dude seriously this rocks. Friday and Saturday nights? No longer "belong" to your woman! Nah, you can hang out with your FRIENDS whenever you want (but mainly whenever you can convince them to convince their women to let them out for the night. But you know what? That's cool. You don't need them. Heck, you don't need anybody because you're free!! And being free is COOL.
and lonely.
Under the rule of Peter The Great, if men wanted to sport a beard, they had to pay a beard tax. I agree with this policy because those people are hurting us.
November 10th, 2004
So much news I don't know where to start. BUSH is going to legalize aliens. I didn't know they were illegal. Seattle is going to create a "wireless web" over the city. This seems a little sketchy to me. Are we absolutely sure cell phone waves aren't harmful? I mean at all? Just like cigarettes weren't harmful in the Twenties? BBC is going to fire 50% of their employees, and "donut wedding cakes" are all the rage. That's right, over the weekend some lucky wedding guests were treated to a cake made up of 1,818 glazed Krispy Kreme donuts...and for those of you keeping score out there, that's 363,000 calories!! Sounds delicious.
So I was supposed to get a promotion--actually an altogether new job just a little while back and so far nothing has happened. It was brought up, um, a year ago, and then every month since then. It's a little awkward now when I have to pass the "bosses" responsible for blatantly ignoring my hopes and livelihood in the hall. What were once smiles and hugs have now turned into quick look-aways and alternate routing. Where I once walked peacefully down a quiet path with bunnies and chirping flowers, I now jog through a haunted hallway lined with twisted thorn-trees. ACTUALLY this is true. I do sometimes jog through the halls at work. If someone stops me and asks me what I'm doing I tell them I'm just trying to be more efficient.
I was in the bathroom at work earlier today and I saw this weird, weird guy (in the picture behind me) taking a picture of himself. IN THE FREAKING BATHROOM!! I say if nothing else, just keep the cameras out of the bathroom. That's all.
"Rocinante went like a gypsy's ass with quicksilver in its ears." --Cervantes
November 9th, 2004
I've given "relationship advice" to this poor girl that works in the office next to me for three days straight now. Why do people that give amazing advice have a hard time following it themselves? I'm amazed by how good I am at consulting on relationships and how bad I am at actually executing them. And execution is normally one of my strong points.
"OPERATION PHANTOM FURY" is underway and it's pretty wild. 10,000 to 15,000 thousand American soldiers have stormed Fallujah over the last couple days in an attempt to root out and destroy the heavy insurgency that has imbedded itself within the city. Surprisingly, several Arab leaders actually believe this is the right course of action to take. A Jordanian government spokeswoman said, "We think the Iraqi people need security and stability to rebuild their country." A Palestinian guerrilla commander said, "The Americans picked the right time and circumstance to storm Fallujah." Sometimes it's hard to take compliments though. Isn't it? Do we say thank you? Do we nod it off like it's just straight up cool? Do we RETURN the compliment?? "You guys pick the right time and circumstance a lot of the times too. I mean...you know, not always, but...um." On a different note, Catholic churches were bombed yesterday in Iraq??? Come on! This proves that the people responsible for these attacks have NO idea what they want. What does the Catholic church have to do with their cause?
James McGreevey, the now former governor of New Jersey, received a several minute standing ovation yesterday before he delivered his farewell speech. This guy didn't really "come out" as much he was forced to publicly "affirm" what everyone already knew.
I have this potholder sitting on my counter at home with hardened cheese on it. It's driving me crazy, but I don't know what to do with it. The potholder is considered an outsider in the washing machine AND the dishwasher. It's a soldier without a base, a bird without a nest, a loner without a lonely place to go home to. Its only friend is the dishtowel, and even that is still only an acquaintance. These are the "spies" of the home appliance world. Anyway, I can’t make a decision so I think I might just throw it away.
November 8th, 2004
I came into work this Monday morning and the first thing I noticed was the snazzy new monitor on my work desk. I think whoever was generous enough to take my perfect working old monitor and surprise me with a new one should have at least connected it for me though. It would have taken a couple minutes, and now the half of dozen minutes I spent behind the desk hooking it up myself this morning has rendered their good deed, at least in my mind, a big waste.
It's nice to start the day off with an accomplishment though, even if it is as small as connecting a monitor. The other day my garbage disposal briefly stopped working, and I actually fixed it by myself. I'm not as afraid of the garbage disposal as I should be. I know I shouldn't put my hand down there, and I
don't, but when I look at it, I don't that same creepy feeling I do when I walk by the edge of a really high bridge.
Yesterday a train carrying radioactive waste killed a young French anti-nuclear protester. Apparently the train had "caught him by surprise" as he was trying to chain himself to the tracks for a protest. His last moments sound terrifying, and my condolences to his family, but it seems that his vision of how this protest "might go" could have been a little naive and perhaps shortsighted. I think he paid attention to most of the details--motto, sign, chain, bagged lunch--but ignored one very probable outcome. But who can get all the details all the time? I mean I’m terrible at it.
I went over to my uncle's house this weekend for my little cousin's birthday party, and I left with eight bags of groceries. And now I'm once again eating like a king. Whenever I have food around, I graze entire meals all evening long. This makes me full, slow, and always delighted. Thank you to all those involved.
Here I am answering my next door office neighbor's questions about my cell phone. Obviously impatient.
I know, I could use a "powder-down."
I just spent a bunch of time giving "relationship" advice to the girl in the room on the other side of me at the office. Ohhh, how the girlfriend's of the past would bellow at the absurd irony in this. They would get a kick out of it.
November 5th, 2004
It's the dusk of a week that went by so fast it almost didn't exist. It's Monday, now it's Friday. And we have a new President! Second-term George W. Bush. I'm actually getting somewhat annoyed by how upset people are about this. I've talked with some people that just feel like their lives are out of their control, and hate everything about America. They're saying things like, "How do you think I feel having a president that literally says he is the second coming of Jesus Christ?? He REALLY thinks that and it's SICK!" I think this person may be a little extreme. Everyone needs to breath. Relax. Slap yourself around. Do anything, just get a hold of your damn self for goodness sake. It's OK. People are talking seriously about moving to Canada too. You know what? I went to college about 45 minutes from Canada, and it's no utopia. No country is perfect. Everyone just chill out.
I took the Metro this morning to work. There was a massive tarp hung to cover their little blunder two days ago, but "The Chipotle Diaries" managed to crack the large-scale cover up scandal and snap a few pictures.
 
Iced Metro stop. One of the trains has been removed, one remains.
After work yesterday, I went home and slept until 7:30pm (naps are something I rarely do). Feeling worthless, I knew I needed to do something spectacular so I did what I should have done a long time ago...I made five billion pounds of ziti. Ziti is surprisingly easy to make, and it provides you with a sense of accomplishment. I feel like I can either A.)Not sleep and get a lot done. ; or B.)Sleep.I don't like this ultimatum, but I have A LOT to do within the next 20 years and I have to start working harder if I plan on accomplishing it. I can't have "baking ziti" be my biggest achievement of the day. But I ate like a pig while that dog sat next to me and stared at me and my food for over an hour straight. Just licking his lips.
I'm going to the bathroom right now so I can make an itinerary for the weekend. Also, a rocking new (old repackaged) song:
You think life is always fair? Yesterday Elizabeth Edwards got diagnosed with breast cancer, while Laura Bush got a new puppy.
Also, I feel a deep sorrow for the people of Amsterdam and the merciless murder of Theo Van Gogh. The entire world needs to acknowledge the seriousness of this problem.
November 4th, 2004
David Hasselhoff often talks about freedom...I'm talking about free cheesecake. I went into the kitchen this morning at work, tired, but not ravaged (we'll get to this in a second), and saw a FREE cheesecake sitting on the counter (on the “take-me” counter). A girl was eating a slice herself when it caught my eye. "Is that cheesecake free?"
"Yeah, it's delicious too."
"Oh, you are so dead." If the girl didn't run off screaming, she would have realized I was talking about the cheesecake, not her. I started off with a modest-sized piece, but plan on upgrading soon. Very soon.
Yes. So I was up at work until around 3am. Even if I wanted to go home at this point I wouldn't have been able to, and it wouldn't have been worth it anyway. Instead of staying up all night though, I ended up snoozing on the upstairs’ couch next to my boss's desk. I was able to sleep in since my commute time was cut down from 50 minutes to 20 seconds. I went downstairs, turned my computer on, and then went back up for a little extra snooze (an hour), and I slept like a drunk baby.
My new bedroom. Great window view from the second story. You think I'm franchise? I take the bus to work. Honestly though, it looks like I will be taking the bus to work from now on. Apparently there was a little mishap at MY metro (subway) station yesterday.
The incident happened around 1pm, I would have arrived at the station around 2:30pm if it were open...if two trains weren't sandwiched on top of each other. Instead I had to walk 25 minutes from the next closest station. So now I take the bus. To work. And it sucks.
I animated a little strip club scene last night. It’ll start looking good when a fake "camera" is placed in there, zooming and cutting within the scene. Strip club.
Burrito towards the future. The world needs to burrito together now more than ever. We need to burrito our burritos, burrito the burrito onward. Fatty sodium burrito turkey jowl a straighter path towards a brighter burrito. As President Bush begins looking towards and planning for his second term, I am looking towards and planning for my second breakfast.
November 3rd, 2004
Well, it's official...only 92 days until Groundhog's Day. The election is as good as over now. Nader lost. Time to clean up the recycled streamers, go home, and start preparing to lose again in 2008. I like Nader--but if girls like to date the nice guy, bring home the bad boy, where does the strange, bug-collecting, science fair winner fit in? I kid!
According to some analysis I read on the Internets, several States had large portions of voters siding with Bush mainly because of "moral issues." Of course I'm talking about "gay marriage." People are so passionate banning gay marriage, and I still don't understand why this was an issue in the election (or why it's a "moral issue"). The sky could be falling, the Earth imploding, civilization crumbling, but none of this matters as long as Gary and Chad (who already live together and have an adopted child) don't have a certificate buried deep within the files of the basement of the town hall that says they're "married."
Humans from all over the Earth watched the American election in record numbers, thinking that the outcome would undoubtedly effect their lives as much as it would any American. In fact, many non-citizens believed that they should have been allowed to vote for this very reason. Of course, this is ridiculous. Absurd. The election would take weeks and could you imagine the lines?? But polls suggest that 5% of the French actually want Bush to win. These are the French that want to be different from being different from being different. They're so different I lost track. "Ahhh-hah! But I will top yooou...I want ze Bush to win!"
It's a dreary scene though, today in the office. Being in the television industry and living in an area that voted 90% for Kerry, you can imagine no one's spontaneously stopping at Dunkin' Donuts on the way to work this morning. People mumbling and grumbling as they walk down the hall, thinking life is over, no hope for the future. Anyone walking around with a smile on their face are looked at as if a compilation of child porn had just been found on their computer. So even though I just ate a croissant for breakfast (my favorite whatever the circumstance) I have to remember to look pathetically miserable if I ever want to work in this town again.
If Kerry wants to point a finger at anyone, a decent place to start might be the youth. Fewer than 1 in 10 voters between the ages of 18 to 24 showed up yesterday. Those that did show up, voted overwhelmingly for Kerry. Prior to the election, experts were predicting a "youth explosion" to the booths, however, it appears that in the end, their love of protesting would be better served under the current administration.
Now it's time to mend the divisions of this sharply divided country. Regardless of anyone's differences, it's the only way to move forward from here. Besides, the Yankees always win...what's the harm in giving Boston one lousy trophy??
November 2nd, 2004
If I could use one word to describe yesterday it would be "heartburn." For lunch, I thought I'd show some economical foresight and buy a loaf of bread and a big pre-packaged "Cold Cut Sampler Supreme," which consisted of four slices of each of the following meats: salami, bologna, ham, turkey, capicola. I patted myself on the back because I thought this would be good for several lunches and should eventually save me money. Unfortunately, my stomach disagreed—and let's face it, my stomach gets the final word around here. I ate all 20 slices of the heartburn-inducing processed meat and washed it down with a sodium-filled Chipotle burrito for dinner.
The real story today though as everyone knows is the rhesus monkeys that have been dropping from trees, clawing, and then sucking the blood of innocent school children near an ancient Hindu temple in India. Speaking of which, today is Election Day. Being in Washington DC for this is like being in Dublin for St. Patrick's Day. Everyone who’s everyone will be at the coolest "Election Day" party, which are scattered about town, and filled with adoring fans cheering and jeering their favorite politicians along. It'll be different from last week's World Series because the fans themselves can actually play a role in the outcome. That's what makes these awesome events like "American Idol" and the "Presidential Election" so popular.
It's very nerve-wracking though, at least for me. I want it to just be over, but I'm afraid of it being over too. Although, I think there's a slim chance we'll actually hear the final results tonight. Doesn't it seem that way? There have already been multiple stories of problems at the polls. That's a difficult word to say..."polls." I just can't seem to say that word properly. Anyway, I really like Bruce Springsteen, but Curt Schilling is a Hall of Fame bound pitcher...so I think I'll take the attitude I have when I'm ordering a burrito into the booth tonight. I have a very good idea, but my final choice will come when the spotlight's on me and I’m being stared down by an anxious, sweaty culinary artist.
SOME “CHIPOTLE” VOTING TIPS:
1. Ignore the person in the booth watching you.
They’re usually professionals and should respect whichever choice you make.
2. Wear a jacket (Girls especially!).
It might be cold. You don’t want to be cold on Election Day. Girls are always cold.
3. Arrive early.
Booths are usually open from 7am to 8pm, so make sure whatever time you’re planning on going to arrive early of that specific time.
4. Don’t go hungry.
You cannot make important decisions when you’re hungry. Period. You’ll end up voting for the guy whose name looks more like a hamburger, which in this case would be neither of them.
Enjoy the sunshine if it’s sunny outside today! Enjoy the election and remember: be safe!
November 1st, 2004
All Saint's Day. I have to admit, besides Friday afternoon, Friday night, all of Saturday, Saturday evening, Sunday morning through the afternoon, and Sunday night this weekend was really, really relaxing...probably one of the most relaxing weekend's I've had in a long, long time.
I am completely confused about Osama's new little system with the upcoming Election. Apparently, he said he will consider any State that votes for Bush an enemy, while any State that votes for Kerry he will assume wants to "make peace" and "will not be characterized as an enemy." So this whole thing has been a PERSONAL grudge with George W. Bush all along?? WOW!! I think that organization needs to come up with some sort of clear Mission Statement, just so they're all on the same page and so everyone knows sort of where they stand. Get together for a little summit, heck, if you need a nice place, you know, just ask and we can help you out. We've got a real nice resort down in Cuba for you, right by the Bay. Give a call.
In other embarrassing news, 876 people got dressed up last Thursday in an unsuccessful attempt to have the "most people dressed as Groucho Marx in the same place." They fell short just 62 people. So close!! How do you come THAT close to a dream, and just fall short?? They got 876 people (a feat almost incomprehensible in itself) to do this and they couldn't find a measly 62 more? Any stepdaughters? Babies? Babysitters? Pizza delivery guys? Anyone?? Ok, second question. Can you imagine anything funnier and so totally not annoying than 876 Groucho Marx impersonators in the same tight, closed location?? It sounds like heaven. Even on a dreary day, the dreariest of dreary, a big burrito can still bring a smile to my face. Sometimes life is just that simple. 
It seems as though everywhere I walk these days, I see dancing fruitcakes, gingerbreads, mincemeat pies, sugarplums, wassailwafers, and eggnog punchbowls. What does this mean? Perhaps...it's Christmas?
October 29th, 2004
I am writing this Chipotle statement with Impending Doom staring at me through the circular cruise ship window on the door of my otherwise soundproof and solitude office at work. Through my peripheral view, I can see the dark shadow of Doom creeping closer and closer, and even though a door wedged shut from an assortment of furniture stacked against it safely separates the two of us, it seems as though our eventual encounter is unavoidable. Surprisingly though, as a lesser man in my predicament perhaps might, I do not tremble with fear or become discouraged by its savage way. Doom isn’t aware of it, but I am calculating a plan myself. Doom looms outside my room as I squeeze the last recognizable strains of coherency from of my poor, ravaged brain and aim them towards one goal. I need to somehow purchase another sleeve of bagels. For the last 24 hours, the brave members of the “Thomas Pre-Sliced Bagel Sleeve” were my only true friends. But just as it sometimes happens in real life, I lost them one friend at a time because I ate them. All 1,900 calories of them. 1,900 calories of bagel. And now I'm grumpy. And hungry again. I don’t necessarily miss those bagels—any bagels would do. As long as they come in a sleeve. And there are A LOT of them. But the grocery store is so far away, and I am so drained.
I'm sitting in my chair at work, as I did yesterday morning, 24 hours ago...or maybe it would be better described for me as "this morning." I'm 2/3 of the way through my second marathon shift of work this week. I'm well aware that this isn't good for me, but I got so much accomplished! I completed five different videos! Around 10pm last night I was working, totally focused on this clip, when I heard a knock at the door (remember, I’m at work). The knock snapped me out of the intense concentration I was dedicating to the video at the time. It was Jorge Maldonado! What a pleasant surprise. The man who could be my boss’s boss. "Hey there, Jorge." Then I looked down and I realized I was wearing my boxer shorts. Those dirty jeans that I had been in all day were annoying me! "Comfortable, Pete?"
Anyway, I tried to be healthy last night. Around 4am or so, I did 40 pushups. Also, as I mentioned, I ate a lot of bagels, which are part of the four food groups. Every minute that goes by brings me one minute closer to my departure at 2pm. I am still alive. I learned a TON last night. Unfortunately, my hips, knees, feet, elbows, shoulders, and FINGERS (which at this point can hardly type) are all practically not speaking to me right now. They’re going to strike. But now’s the time to buckle down. The home stretch. The home stretch to Halloween.
I haven’t ventured out into the halls yet this morning, at least not since people have been here, but I wonder what the protocol on wearing a costume today is. I bet I’ll get a few glances. I look absolutely frightening. I think there's ONE person responsible for the "Halloween Party" in the lobby at the office today. The "poster (a piece of paper)" said there was going to be a "prize" for the best carved pumpkin! A carved pumpkin contest?? AT WORK???? And let me clariy--there's not going to be any pumpkin carving here. No, people are supposed to bring in there own pumpkins for this contest. I'm actually insulted by this idea's stupidity. Well, my stomach is starting to digest itself so I better get going. See you next Halloween!
Elton John.
"Levon"
Fifth album down.
Courtesy of Booty Thunder (and Elton John).
October 28th, 2004
Last night, after a 20 hour shift at work, and a one hour pummel session at the gym, I went home an exhausted puddle to a filthy apartment. Actually, I was excited because I couldn't WAIT to get home all day so that I could start cleaning. So FINALLY I was home and I could clean. It wasn't long before I was on my knees with a toothbrush in my hand, scrubbing the grout from the tiles. I thought to myself, "aaah. What did I do to deserve such bliss?" Actually, the only thing I was really looking forward to when I got home was clipping my toenails. I've wanted to do it for a while. Of course I couldn't find the clipper. It not like I deserved this luxury or anything having just worked all day, all night, and all day again just so those ungrateful clippers can have a roof to sit under.
I had to eat something too. Something big. I checked my cupboards, not so great. But I got creative and ended up eating like a plump king that was ousted from his kingdom, fell upon hard times, and then came across an odd assortment of fatty delectable hog treats. I ate a pound of angel hair with four cloves of garlic. Then I had a dilemma...do I cook the rest of my roommate's turkey bacon? He wasn't there and it was one day away from going bad (already started to, but I cut those parts off!). Of course, I decided to cook it up; my will power is very low when it comes to restraining myself with food. Someday I'm going to be that guy who has his grandson sneak him in a bucket of fried chicken drumsticks.
The Red Sox won. So that happened. Don't like the current President? Sure, you could go out and vote on next Tuesday, OR you could change him RIGHT NOW!! That's right! Check it out: Build A Better Bush.
Russia is now tied in with the missing arms scandal in Iraq?? Geeze, this country doesn't really get the whole "Ally" thing yet, do they? Apparently, they sent in their Special Forces units to relocate Iraqi weaponry to Syria right before the war started. I think this is going to be a big, big story. It's sort of like when Hulk Hogan decided to go "bad" in the middle of a match when him and Macho Man were supposed to be tag team partners. The more I think about it, however, it's not much like that at all. Not even close. But that was a shocking match. Either way, if you're feeling like all hope is lost, listen to Hold On by Wilson Phillips. I feel like sometimes my feet can't take me fast enough to where I want to go. And no, that's not a metaphor...just a cold, grisly fact.
October 27th, 2004
My night at work extended itself quite pleasantly into the morning. Ahhh, and here I sit. Just as I did yesterday. Did you notice how people do that? Work at the same place two mornings in a row? Weird. You know what else is weird? Newborn mice that were fed Prozac during their gestation period ended up being depressed and overly emotional.
I built a little cave at work last night around the upstairs couch with big metal push carts. I stole (borrowed) a lamp from a cubicle so I could read myself to sleep. Didn't work. So I got up and kept myself busy, trying to finish the two projects I'm doing that are due on Friday. From about 3am to 6am I was trying to make a male stripper (with cartoon pants on) dance a naughty little TLC-safe dance. I've been rocking out to Led Zeppelin while I've been working recently. I don't know if I'm more excited about the music or the fact that I'm rocking out to Led Zeppelin. Someone walks in, whatever, just here listening to Zeppelin dude. It's a completely cool band to listen to at work. Big time street credibility within the old office.
I mean, geeze Christmas, we got Halloween coming up, the elections are next freaking week, a big BBC executive just criticized the US media coverage on the war. You mean to tell me this guy's been keeping this in for that long?? That almost deserves a little chuckle. He finally draws up enough courage to belt out a completely WELL KNOWN fact among the international world, something that people from BBC have actually already said, something that is SO not even relevant at this point. But good for him, I'm sure it's been eating away at him every minute of the last 759 days.
I've eaten around 1,800 calories of bagel within the last 12 hours, which to me feels good. Satisfying. Washing it down with h20. This sounds like a prison meal I know, but it's efficient. Sure, I could put some jelly or something on it, but it wouldn't be THAT much better, at least not worth the effort and time. I might as well just eat it quick, and get it over with. Jelly? No. Sausage? Yes. Sausage is worth the effort. Sausage is always worth the effort. You can pretty much substitute any verb with the last sentence's "effort" and it'll still work. Try it! Sausage is always worth the burn. Burn isn't a verb. Is it? I guess it is. Now try italicizing the "always." Sausage is always worth the burrrrrn.
Even burnt sausage is good. What kind of animal is that anyway? Goodness, I seem to have just caught myself off a sausage tangent. It must be the lack of sleep or the excess of bagel. The bagels I have are soft though, so not that demanding. Sometimes I feel better with the peasant bagel-eaters, than I do with all the aristocratic, snobby sausage-eaters. Damn those rich! Damn those rich and their SAUSAGE!! Someday.
October 26th, 2004
On Sunday night I fell asleep on one couch in the living room, and Geronimo the dog fell asleep on the other. That dog’s puppy-stare always gets me, so I have to give him food, which he loves, and then in return follows me around the apartment in hope of more foood (I don’t blame him). I was right in the middle of a vivid dream when I was partially awoke by my phone ringing. Confused, disheveled, and half-asleep I answered, having no idea who it was. It was my roommate, from his room, just seconds around the corner, apparently a bit confused himself: "Where's Geronimo?" Not having really opened my eyes yet, I tried my hardest to explain that Geronimo was on the couch. But then I remembered what I just saw walk (float?) past me in the living room, and I became dreadfully frightened for my roommate. I tried to explain to him the best I could that a shadowy, dark figure wearing a top hat and a cape that I thought looked dangerous just walked (or possibly floated) by me, and I gravely believed it was heading towards his room. When he said there was no one in his room, I realized my vision of of the mysterious figure MAY have been a dream. But you know what? My roommate could be pulling one over on me. On the same note, this morning I woke up, grabbed my stuff for work, started walking towards the door and glanced at my watch. 3:45am!!!! Definitely not time for work. Isn't this what OLD people do? Like...EXACTLY what they do?
Poor Russian spies, once the Cold War was over, what were they to do? Once a spy, always a spy. Apparently, Russian espionage in Britain is back up to Cold War levels. Funny, the last time I enjoyed a dinner event at the Russian Embassy in Washington DC, I noticed the Ambassador kept staring at me. I thought at first it was because he thought I might make a good boxer,
but now I realize he just wanted spy information from me. If nothing else, this new Russian espionage report is simply reinforcing the need for a new James Bond. I think without a doubt it should be Christian Bale.
According to 8 billion different critics, "Surviving Christmas," Ben Affleck’s new movie, is supposed to be the worst movie in history. Some women describes, "This ghastly comedy emits the subliminal whine of a sucking chest wound." This is surprising to me. Okay, I thought this film looked dumb a year ago when I read the synopsis. But then I thought to myself, "There is just NO way Ben or his agents would allow him to be in a bomb. He’s too fragile right now. He can’t afford that." You know what? Now it’s turning into a movie people consider WORSE than "Gigli," which if you’ve never seen, spare yourself. It’s not even fun to rent for fun. It’s the largest flaunt of unnecessary ego-honking I could image (besides perhaps this website). Anyway, enjoy the rain or the sunshine today, and NEVER ever stop eating burritos.
October 25th, 2004
Most Chinese take-out restaurants look very similar, at least to me. Unless you're really in the mood for romance, you're probably not going to stick around and eat your meal with the hard bench seating, cafeteria tables, and stinging overhead lighting. So, in summary, you could say that they're not "sit down" type places, and I'd argue that trained "waiters" and/or "waitresses" are probably not on the staff. WHY then do they insist on putting a spot for the TIP on the receipt when you pay by credit card?? I’m undeservingly stricken with guilt and awkwardness every time I go to pick up my food and I hand the guy back the signed receipt with a big dash through the "tip" line. No tip. Nothing. I swear he lets out a quiet grumble underneath his breath. Next time I'm just going to say, "Listen, I'd give you a tip, but you didn't really do anything different that what a McDonalds or Chipotle employee would do, and I certainly don't give them tips." Sure, I could throw them a buck or two, but it'll be a slippery slope. Next thing you know, they wouldn't even have to cook anything to expect a tip. I'd have to go in there and give them a couple dollars every time I walk by.
Ashley Simpson lip syncs her live performances?? Yes, it’s true. Apparently, she started lip-syncing the wrong song during a “performance” on Saturday Night Live this past Saturday. She ended up flat-out blaming her band for not playing the correct song. Poor thing. It’s really so pathetic that I can feel some compassion for her, but it’s FITTING. She’s not a singer. A lot of other people are. They don’t get chances to sing in front of millions of people. She does. Or at least did. Or at least pretended to.
Speaking of poor musicians who are by no means poor, Cher held an off-the-wall extravaganza benefit concert blow out this weekend. The only problem was, only a few hundred people showed up. Right before telling the audience to vote for Kerry, an embarrassed Cher told the audience, “There were supposed to be thousands of people here tonight. I'm not sure why that didn't happen, obviously the people putting on this thing were just not very good at it." HAH!! It’s actually not funny. I’m not sure why all of a sudden everyone is so bent on destroying the illustrious careers and reputations of these two women.
I worked all weekend. Here's a little clip I rendered out from the project I'm working on. It's just the background dancers though. A little something for the burrito lovers. Also, these are not the real camera movements and text. Or music (that'd be Vito El). Anyway: Stripper Background Test
One of my biggest fears in life right now is dropping my cell phone in the toilet. It happens! Surprisingly more than you’d think.
Buuuuuuuurito OUT-
October 22th, 2004
I'm sitting at work this morning, eyes burning, salsa beats still resonating in my head, utterly exhausted. I can hardly string together a coherent sequence of words. The movie premiere was impresionante, asombrar, and great. If I can just make it through work today, then I escape from this week with no real harm done. Tonight, after a proper two hour long grooming session, I'll clean my sheets and sleep like an anesthetized baby. After my video screened last night, Padukes.com and I immediately walked over to California Tortilla, which was next door to the venue.
I wanted to avoid the period right after the screening when everyone's coming to talk to you. More importantly, I was starving. More importantly, I LOVE that place!! Best BURRITIOS hands down. They also do specialty burritos. For example, they are currently doing "Presidential Burritos." I got the one with mashed potatoes and Texas hickory sauce, and Padukes.com ordered the one with baked beans and a splash of Heintz 57. Each one was supposed to represent a candidate, but I can't remember which one was which.
Two things (which will turn into three) that I'll do differently at my next movie premiere:
1. More enthusiasm
Too tired!! I didn't have as much patience talking with people as I'd like to have had. Normally, I love talking about myself.
2. Bring a better looking arm piece.
No offense to Padukes.com, but he's no JLo.
3. Don't forget the autographed headshots.
A little extra something for the fans. Give them a story to tell their kids.
In other bad news, Japan just wrapped up its worst typhoon in two decades, and tenth this year. Seems a little fishy. But moving right along, let me just say that it's too bad the Houston Astros didn't win. It would have been an old-fashioned Texas-Massachusetts showdown. And remember, cursed teams don't win World Series. It's part of the charm of being cursed. How can you expect the unexpected when the unexpected becomes the expected after you expect it???
October 21th, 2004
What now for Bostonians? The beloved Red Sox have finally conquered the mighty evil empire and for the time being had some of their feelings of inadequacy relieved. They'll get a little taste of what it feels like to be on top. I think they'll find out that drafting a car is always much easier than leading the pack. When you're first, everyone's aiming for YOU. You'll start to see that people detest you for no real reason. Maintaining class and composure while in you're in front is very important, but very difficult. Perhaps now they'll see how pathetic their "Yankees Suck" campaign was. Seriously. You never saw the Yankees wearing "Red Sox Suck" hats or tee shirts. Why? Because the people in New York didn't care about the Red Sox. They were just another team that the Yankees spankied in October. While the BoSox were pumping out "Yankees Suck" merchandise, New Yorkers were busy throwing tickertape parades. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. Goodness. Finally! But I'm watching you closely Boston fans. When you finally come to terms with some of your own hypocrisies, I'm expecting an apology, and the rest of the world should too.
Here I am leaving my office building over 40 hours after arriving. A beaten, battered boy:
Some highlights you might note are the sunken eyes, digustingly greasy skin, and obviously the beard. I look miserable, but that's only because I didn't know yet at this point that my subway ride home was going to take an hour and a half! That expression would be better described as agonizingly miserable. Funny though...against all good judgment, when I got home I turned my "beard" into a mustache just for kicks. Now I know what everyone is thinking. I need to be on top of my "physical game" if I'm going to pull off a mustache...a place the last week of work binging has significantly discoursed me from.
Okay, okay, I'll admit. Not the worse looking mustache. Not the worse. But unfortunately, I couldn't hang with it and had to shave it off in the bathroom at work this morning.
Tonight there'll be a premiere of the Discovery Channel team's short video, as well as MY "Behind-The-Scenes" video. I'm sort of nervous because I'm still not 100% percent about it. I don't particularly like these types of events. After I finished the video, around 9pm or so, internationally reknowned director, Jorge Maldonado took me to Potbelly for a sandwich. Potbelly is the most amazing sandwich shop in the world. I love Potbelly. I LOVE Potbelly. I love Potbelly.
"You there! Yes, you, the man in the top hat. Do you LOVE Potbelly?"
"I...LOVE...POTBELLY. Alway have, always will."
Unless Chipotle lowers the price of their guacamole, they're going to have quite an uphill battle to win my heart back from Potbelly.
October 20th, 2004
Well, I've officially been awake for 50 billion hours straight. The judges have clocked it. Like I said, it's official. I haven't tried standing yet, but I think my shoulders are permanently hunched over in a sitting-at-a-computer position, which isn't much cooler looking than just plain hunched. Unfortunately. I'll discuss the most unbelievable team in baseball in one second. Let me just first explain what I've been doing for the last 24 hours. I started my journey to work Tuesday morning at 5:00am. It is now Wednesday morning. Fortunately, I brought a half of dozen hardboiled eggs, pasta, a ham, a loaf of bread, and peanut butter and jelly. The feast was carried to location in my backpack. A portable feast.
I'm making a "behind-the-scenes" documentary for another short video made by a big crew from the Discovery Channel (including myself, in my own small way). What started on track as the best video I've made to date, has evolved into the most self-indulgent, disjointed, incoherent pile of garbage ever created. For the first time, I'm worried I might have put a little too much emphasis on myself. A finished copy needs to be done for the DVD by TODAY! If it was up to me, I'd say forget it. But unfortunately, I have fans to think about. And when I say fans, I mean all the people that have heard me shamelessly BRAG about how awesome my video is going to be. HAH! suckers. Ok, I'm not going to flat out apologize for calling the Red Sox the "suckiest bunch of suck bags in the world," but I will say this--it's pretty impressive what they've managed to accomplish. I'm absolutely terrified, though, of what would happen if they win (which they won't). Could you imagine the Bostonian Revolution? Bostonians are like children that want a BB gun. As their father, you want your son to have it, but you also know that your kid is a spastic, wicked obnoxious, drunk moron who'd be better off without it. All joking aside, I don't really care who wins the game tonight. I'd be happy for both cities. Unless it's the Boston fans. joking.
Me in my caveman state. Me hungry for raw fish wrapped in seaweed and rice.
October 19th, 2004
Did anyone catch the score of the Red Sox game last night? I was watching the other one...you know, the, um, those other two teams that were playing. Who IS playing in those other games anyway?? I have to admit, I LOVE the Red Sox!! I mean how could you not? They're freaking awesome!! Although, while we're on this topic, let me just quickly mention something to the Red Sox fans...you're going to lose. I'm not necessarily a Yankee's fan, but I'm not stupid either.
Red Sox, America's perpetual 2nd place team.
I currently have a very casual, but friendly relationship with the woman that works the cash register everyday at the deli in the building I work in. I'll say, "Hi, Joyce!" "Good morning, Joyce!" "Joyce, your hair looks wonderful this morning!"But that's about as far as it ever goes.
Joyce is a sweet girl from Ghana, and she speaks decent English. To perserve her identity though, I've decided to change her name to Joyner. Yesterday at lunch, Joyner brushed my shoulder and said with a smile that she needed to talk with me after I got my sandwich. "Oh, how sweet," I thought, "she's finally built up enough courage to ask me on a date." I walked up to the cash register and began, "Joyner, really, I'm flattered, but..."
"Oh, hallo, Petah. Do you know about immahgration?" Joyner then went on to ask me repeatedly if I'd marry her friend from Ghana. She was being so annoyingly persistent that I had to agree just so I could eat my lunch!! I was starving and I was proud of myself for choosing the most efficient lunch option. It was an Italian cold cut sub, no doubt the best deal for the money. A lot of meat there.
After watching the clip from "Crossfire," I think Jon Stewart actually held himself really well. Tucker Carlson was being a little bit of a goober. It's a large file, VERY large (61mb), but you can see it here: Jon Stewart of "Crossfire"
I also know how it is to be badgered. For example, yesterday I walked by a dry erase board outside in the hall at work and saw a picture of a bunny. Naturally, since I was VERY tired and a little stressed, I drew picture next to it. You know what though? When I came in today, someone had altered my original drawing for the cheerier:
I can honestly say after two flagrantly gross experiences, I am no longer thrilled about "Hot Pockets" and their sodium-filled rhetoric.
October 18th, 2004
I'm currently bound within the deep, dark depths of an all-out work binge. Every so often throughout the year, I set the scope of my entire focus on a project, and completely disregard all other details around me including but not limited to sending my father his birthday present, and plans to watch football and eat Chile's chicken wings with Padukes.com. This behavior s wholly exhausting, but I think necessary. All the other days of the year when I'm not doing this, I'm trying to figure out how to start doing it. It's long overdue though, I haven't been able to really finish anything for a couple months. This Thursday night there'll be a screening of the video that I'm halfway done with Alexandria, Virginia. Or maybe I've only halfway started. Whatever the case, today, after work, I resume work.
Not looking so hot.
But it's important to try and maintain a satisfactory calorie intake. Fortunately, last night I ate dinner at my uncle's house, my first home cooked meal in a long time. They sent me back with 50 pounds of ham!! At least that's what it looks like. Either way, I hope ham is healthy because I'm feasting like a fat king. This was definitely a turn for the better.
I'm so excited though. Nonoh Michael, a South African living in the Garden City of Port Harcourt, Nigeria, and also owner of a "major oil company" has PERSONALLY emailed me and wants ME to help him distribute his $15 million dollars to charity. The best part though, is that I get to keep any extra money!!! All I had to do was email him my bank account numbers and stuff! Some fellows have all the luck. Sorry suckers!!
There are a lot of ingredients in chile. You know the big dog though? The meat. That's the star. Without meat, it's meatless chile, or vegetarian chile, but with it it's delicious. And called chile. This is probably how Don Johnson feels every day of his life.
Even though the Red Sox won last night, they still lost. Also:
October 15th, 2004
Last night I was sitting on my friend's porch for a few minutes, talking. About life. I was tired, actually exhausted, and surprisingly a little edgy. Then suddenly in the corner of my eye I saw a little creature scurrying along the ground towards me. Fortunately, the universe drew itself to a lumpy liquid pace, and my vision became precise. My left leg (which was crossed over my right) whipped down at the little beast, catching its tail. Without delay, I drew my foot back several inches, and then drove it through the rib cage of what I then knew was a carnivorous RAT. The poor, scavenging monster came to its violent death when it’s frail body splattered against the brick wall, which was four and a half feet away. Neither my friend, nor myself said anything for a few moments. We sat in silence, I can only assume bemused by my instinctual impulse. I stood up from my porch chair, and crouched down next to the lifeless fiend with the hairless tail. I looked into its dead eyes. Its dead, red eyes…and felt no sympathy. That story is SO true, except for I didn’t kill it (or even capture it!), instead, I yelped like a scared puppy. I was! The little damn thing seriously scared me. They’re just so little and shocking. As I walked home, several houses down, I imagined all the cool things I could have done rather than yelping. That was obviously pretty cool.
What’s the deal with rats anyway? I’ve compiled some facts.
FACT #1…Rats are carnivorous, and squirrels are herbivorous.
FACT #2…Rats are nocturnal, squirrels are dayturnal.
Even with all this research, I’m still left with so many questions. For one, do rats and squirrels ever meet? They must. I mean, don’t they sort of shop in the same stores? They should, they’re very similar in size. Can they mate? Why don’t they fight (this one might have already been answered by the first question)? Why are squirrels so darn adorable? They’re so similar, yet so different.
I wonder who does the closed captioning for the Presidential debates? A lot of trust in that person there is. If I was doing it, I would ONLY write what the candidates said, but sometimes, I think, I wouldn’t be able to help myself. “What?? Honey, did I just read that properly? Did that sonuvabitch really just promise new babies for everyone?” Also, who cuts the President’s hair? Do they use rubber scissors? No matter how carefully the security monitors the situation, the barber still has a sharp blade centimeters from his head (originally a topic addressed with Booty Thunder). It’s almost a certainty that if this mad barber chose to, nothing would be able to stop him from icing the Prez. Not good.
The Red Sox fans must be overjoyed! GLORIOUSLY HAPPY!!! The Red Sox actually didn't lose to the Yankees last night for the first time in a while.
Enough questions for now. But a girl called me yesterday.
October 14th, 2004
You know I didn’t watch the whole debate last night? Yeah, and the reason was because I was STARVING. I had to order a blue cheese burger from across the street right in the middle of it. The blue cheese burger was leaning towards medium rare, full of delectable pleasure, and filling. And although it did not support TORT reform, it was perfectly blackened. When my hungry eyes locked on this burger, three different words came to mind: integrity, integrity, and integrity.
Yesterday afternoon I worked on this intro for a “behind-the-scenes” video. I was experimenting with some different techniques, so it’s still very raw…beginning stages. Today I’m going to make changes and add graphics over the top of it (graphics will REALLY fill it out), as well as sound effects. Mainly I just wanted to try that cutout style of editing. You might recognize the music from Sweet Lou. Check it out at TEST Intro.
I just got out of a big department meeting at work. The department is hemorrhaging money (much like myself) and we are all now required to work 100 hours of overtime from now until the end of the year. That’s an extra 10 hours a week. Or if you go away for a weekend, that’s 20 hours the next week. Looks like I’m going to have to make some cuts in my time budget for this new time expense. I could just take one and a half hours off my allocated five hours of sleep a night to make up for it. A little creative accounting for you.
Is the McDonald's corporation insane?? Apparently, a group of people think that McDonald's makes you fat! Naturally, McDonalds is a little worried, so they're going to test out a new marketing strategy in the UK (probably right before the US!) where instead of using the typical “Golden Arches” for their storefront, they’ll use a big yellow question mark, followed by the line, "McDonalds. But not as you know it." You want to know the sick thing though? The backdoor marketing strategy...they're planning on making their portions SMALLER!! I would rather they put glass shards in their burgers than make them smaller. Poor McDonald's though. Even at Chipotle, they claim to use “free-range healthy” ingredients (whatever that means), but somehow the burritos end up being “closest thing to instant death” unhealthy (all the sodium, it’ll make your cheeks fat). They should accept themselves as they are because you can’t expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself first.
That being said, Bill O'Reilly is a pervert and the Red Sox are the suckiest bunch of suck bags in the world.
October 13th, 2004
It's really not difficult to keep nose hair out of sight. You don't even need tweezers. It may sound gross, but in emergency situations you can effectively use your thumb and forefinger. Seriously, when you look in the mirror before you go out into the real world, how could you NOT notice this?? More importantly, how could you not do anything about it? It's disgusting and VERY distracting. I have a hard time keeping this to myself whenever the situation arises.
Well, it's that special time of year again, the leaves are changing, the air is crisp and cool, the Red Sox are getting their annual pouncing from the Spankees. I wish this "Charlie Brown" of sport's franchises would either win or just GO AWAY. When I watch Boston play, it's the same feeling I have when I get home from work and see the dog just sitting and staring at me, hoping I might take him on a walk. Hoping with all his heart, and knowing deep down inside that his immediate happiness depends completely on someone else. But I like that dog, so it's a little different. It's more like watching a powerless, dying animal, torn in two, bloodied, and bound for death.
Very edgy though recently, more than normal. Hmmm. For example, today I threw a three-ring binder full of VERY important information against the door because I couldn’t find in it what I was looking for. The rings separated and all the important ORDERLY papers went flying everywhere! HAH!! I tried for a couple minutes to put them back in, but then this extra chair in my room started brushing up against my back so I had to throw it out into the hallway. Am I hungry? Probably. I have never had a problem with anger management. Very, very unusual. But recently I’ve been doing a lot of yelling at inanimate objects. I’ve seen this type of behavior before in “Teen Wolf.” I’m taking measures to discipline myself now. No more passionate love songs at work, only quiet classical music.
Here's some advice I got from the monster that lives under my bed concerning burritos:
Also, last night I had a burrito from Chipotle. I'm not going to tell you how it was, but here is a first-hand account:
BURRITO OUT—
October 12th, 2004
President Bush is now leading Presidential candidate Kerry by 6 points. Also, Presidential candidate Kerry is now leading President Bush by 3 points. Apparently, according to whom you speak with, both will be elected President come November 2nd. You might be thinking, "This could get complicated. We need to know exactly who our President is...like, a specific name." You're right. That's why I'm asking you to make "The Chipotle Diaries" your primary choice for news on and up to Election Day. Today is Opening Day for sweaters. Unofficially, yes, but today is the first day of a long and wonderful season of wearing sweaters. I had a nice, relaxing ride into work this morning even though the train I was on stopped for 20 impatient and grueling minutes in the middle of nowhere.
  
I was the ONLY person on my train and the train in front of me, so I was yelling. After seriously lecturing the Metro for several minutes, I stopped and realized nothing had changed (we were still stuck). I had to do something that would really get them upset and show them how angry I was. Something I knew they hated. But what? The five hard-boiled I packed for breakfast!! I ate them on the train.
Could you imagine if the lioness was granted the right to voice her opinion? Lion society would flounder. Or at least lions would have to start doing a little more around the pride. Doing their share. Sure, a lion will protect the lioness from danger, but the danger is mostly from other male lions. And furthermore, there's no danger to the lioness, only the lion and possibly its cubs. So here's to burritos and my love for lions:
Just another ornery day.
October 11th, 2004
So much has happened since Chipotle signed off on Friday that I'm not sure where to start.
Friday night my friend Jon and I watched the Presidential debate at Padukes.com's house, with the strong rays of freedom light from the U.S. Capitol's dome shining into the front windows. We paused the debate on TIVO for 15 minutes before finally starting it. I was having trouble grasping the whole concept of TIVO (where you can pause live television). The debate was exciting, but toying with the fundamental concepts of time was giving me a small guilt complex. Boy, that President sure is a sparky fellow though. Much sparkier than I imagined. Every time I started thinking this, I remembered how I was cheating the universe.
Of course, after this, the rest of the weekend was a breeze. At first I didn't think attending a wedding with my ex-girlfriend was going to be that awkward. You know what? It's the funniest thing, but it actually was a little awkward? Especially because the boisterous alpha-male of the party (a guy who looks like he should be on the cover of a trashy romance novel) was so stubbornly determined to have the "last dance" with the only person I knew within a ten-mile radius (my ex-girlfriend). The crab cake hor D'ourves were excellent though. They seriously almost always are.
So many people died today I can hardly keep up. I need to start doing yoga. I'm getting worked up too easily these days.
I was starving this morning so naturally I was excited to get a bagel. The nice woman put the wrong freaking cream cheese on my bagel though. I specifically asked for regular cream cheese, not VEGGIE!! Remember how I said I get worked up too easily?? Is this something I shouldn’t get worked up about? I need more cooperation from breakfast people or I am going to start having two lunches instead.
Also, I got an AMAZING $100 dollar parking ticket on Friday, which I think is awesome because I actually have an extra $100 dollars and no place to get rid of it! Now I dooo.
October 8th, 2004
Scientists are actually excited about the ashes spewing from Mount St. Helens right now because they sincerely believe it will lead them to Bigfoot. The fine ash layer that has draped the landscape of the Northwestern region surrounding the angry volcano will catch any and all footprints laid upon it. So unless Bigfoot floats around the forest, It should make some sort of trail on the ground with its enormous feet. Just be prepared to finally meet the creature.
I went to Chipotle last night with Padukes.com:
He got a carnitas burrito. I don't blame him, I normally do as well. I had that chicken, which at first looks boring but is actually always satisfying. It was one of the most agreeable burritos I've had in a while. It was like I felt a little of that old romance I used to feel when it was new (with Chipotle).
I was using this bathroom yesterday:
I was standing, obviously, and I looked down at the empty toilet and thought, "Man, It'd be very, very awkward right now if someone was sitting there." Seriously, just put a damn divider up. What a waste of piping! and space!! And water!! I would bet that it maybe happens once a month where two people might actually SHARE this bathroom. It's just too darn awkward otherwise. Last night I was waiting for a Metro (subway) train for 30 MINUTES!!! I was just pacing around the platform, nervously sweating, and chewing the hell out of my nails. At one point I realized that I'd been passing the same people over and over again and they were beginning to recoil in fear? disgust? as I went by. Maybe I made them nervous. Very busy weekend. Busy, hectic schedule. I think those white suede saddle shoes are really going to propel me into my next phase of life. I'm looking for "a little more professional."
Here's an old archive clip from when Brocktoon sang the "Cool Dance" song: COOL DANCE
October 7th, 2004
Oh my gosh, Iran is so next. Apparently, it’s almost entirely concluded that Iraq had absolutely NO weapons of mass destruction. None. I thought to myself yesterday, "Why didn't Saddam just say so?" Apparently, he was obsessed with his image within the Arab world and didn't want to lose face in front of Iran. I think he could have at least thrown a hint to the U.S., maybe with a wink to the camera or something. Gosh, now we’re the ones that look like morons. But while Saddam sits in his jail cell, his arch-nemesis Iran is now moving forth with their bomb. If for no one else, don’t we at least owe it to Saddam to make sure this doesn’t happen? It’s like tripping one guy in a race and not the other. Speaking of which, I got an amazing haircut yesterday:
Howard Stern’s radio show made $80 million a year for Viacom. Satellite radio needed a boost this size...a Stern without restraint. But Satellite radio might carry some skepticism too...sometimes the only thing scarier than censorship in big-time media outlets is no censorship at all. The masses of people are like sheep (including myself, it’s much easier this way), we’ll do and believe what we hear. Sometimes watchdogs aren’t such a bad idea, but sometimes they are. Toss that gem around in your head for a while. It’s a very fine balance, but it’s making my feeble mind hurt to think about it. My prediction is that Howard Stern is going to become more political. It’ll be a fast-talking, sharp-tongued liberal cesspool with naked women everywhere you look. Sound familiar? Oval office circa-1996 perhaps?
I just get SO frustrated, and I don’t see why every single elevator doesn’t have a full-scale mirror in it. Next time you get in an elevator with a mirror, admit to yourself that you love it, and stare deeply into those eyes or biceps or WHATEVER without regret or remorse. No one else is watching!
My worst fear during dinnertime is that I’ll get a stale tortilla shell. They crack, they break…it’s basically sucks.
October 6th, 2004
The two Vice Presidential candidates participated in fierce debate last night. Booty Thunder, my old roommate, remarked last night that the debate was a little boring because these two men are basically the same person. I must say that I agree with him. It was like there was a big mirror in the center of the table and each were looking back at both each other and themselves. I'm actually surprised that having found their "anti-selves" (a feat never before accomplished by the total mass of particles making up a being) that they didn't disappear when they shook hands. But seriously, folks, it was an interesting debate. Not quite as interesting as this mysterious photograph that was dug up by the dirty Nader/Camejo propaganda team--and I might add that this expedition took place on the taxpayer's dollar:
The animation I did this past weekend just helped me land the coolest job. I was working in the same room as this guy named Ash, very capable, very, very capable man, and he contacted me yesterday to help with the design and animation for a 1950s style intro sequence for a new TLC program. It couldn't have come at a better time either. I am edgy these days. Edgier than a six-sided pentagon sitting on top of the Pyramids. What a nice relief.
Ricky William's is trying to return to football now? He hasn't even been retired for one game yet. Geeze, talk about your spontaneous decisions. When he "decided" to "retire" he had to give back $8.6 million on his contract, now he's, well, not so sure. Eight point damn six million???? I figure you'd have to be pretty certain to make a decision like that. Also, everyone's favorite director, John Woo, is remaking "He-man, Masters Of The Universe." Guess who might very well be He-man? That's right...BEN AFFLECK!!!!
I had this song my new roommate made in my head this morning walking to work (good cadence): 
October 5th, 2004
If you've been out to a grocery store recently, or if you study this sort of thing, you'll know that apples have taken over the produce section. Yuck! I mean, I like apples, but they're not THAT great. My pallet is a little warmer towards peaches and things of that nature. Since we're going to be spending some forced time together, I decided to try and eat an apple with an open mind this morning. I did. It was pretty good. Not amazing. Not as good as the cheese croissant I also got!! Croissants are my little juggernauts, they NEVER fail me!
I'm going to be very busy this week putting together a behind-the-scenes video this week for "River of Death." The video looks really good, good script, high production value (aerial shots, complex graphics). Last year, I put together one of these for the same production company. Behind The Scenes Of Fallen Feathers.
Somebody needs to slap North Korea in the face. Hmmm? Anyone? Ok…anybody but France? Why does France always have its hand up first? They just admitted, no, BRAGGED that they are specifically training experts to be capable of undermining the US, Japanese, and South Korean cyber security systems. They have the classic symptoms of middle child, just crying for attention. Surprisingly, I'm a middle child! and a lot of times at work, I prefer getting noticed to not getting any attention at all. So if this means getting my boss to yell at me, then so be it. Isn't that WEIRDD???
Check it out--a quick clip from the animation I put together this weekend. If this doesn't look as cool as you pictured, please don't watch it. Sometimes it's better to let people form their own recollection from within their imagination. In this clip, you'll see different sized renderings with black borders and letterbox to compensate.Monster animation clip.
PEACE OUT from Burritoland!
October 4th, 2004
I sat in front of a computer for 18 hours straight on Saturday, which is unhealthy for a variety of reasons. I was working on designing and animating a sequence for the end of a "mockumentary" for a team 48 Hour Film Festival. The project was called, "River Of Death," and when I left the postproduction yesterday at 6pm, it was looking really good. I haven't seen the final version yet. The sync dialogue was all in Spanish, but the narrator spoke in English:
Hopefully, at least. My narration may have gotten cut after I left. As far as I know, however, they're going to use the animation. Here are some stills: Monster Cartoon. As usual, I am a ravaged boy. Although it was fulfilling, the weekend was anything but relaxing. I finally got some green Tabasco sauce from Chipotle the other day for use on burritos and other Tex Mex surprises. I won't say specifically how I got it, but there's a possibility that it is in this bag:
If I chose, I could actually sit in Chipotle with this Tabasco sauce on the table and legally use the entire bottle. So what's the difference? "For the fatness of these pursy times
Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg..."
-Hamlet
October 1st, 2004
THE DEBATE OF THE CENTURY
No time to waste here, let's just get straight to the important stuff. I think the candidate last night that ultimately lost the most ground was Ralph Nadar. According to most polls, since last night he's lost nearly 50% of his astounding 1% fan base. I think the reason for this is that he wasn’t there. I’m sorry, but if I’m him and I’m trying to get votes, I’m thinking that no matter how busy I am or what I got going on, the debate probably isn’t a good thing to skip. But seriously? I thought the funniest thing about the debate was when they showed a split screen between the two candidates. The tops of their heads were at the same place, but President Bush had an extra half of foot or so of podium at the bottom to even it out. The issues are what’s was important here though, not all this nonsense. However, I found the President’s light orange, obviously colored hair to be a little distracting, and quite frankly, nonsensical. Why would the leader of the free world have to worry about looking younger?
I love this time of the year. The weather smells amazing. The leaves haven't changed yet but my opinion is that they eventually will. You know what the only bad thing about this time of year is though? Most stores and offices and SUBWAYS!! turn off their air-conditioners by now. Sometimes, though, it is still hot outside, especially when you're running to catch the SUBWAY. Speaking of which, I got my "free" subway sub yesterday after giving the register fellow 139 loose pennies for the mandatory soda I was forced to buy. I'm sitting very still here. Very still. But you have to remember--the Earth is 24,000 around the equator and it takes 24 hours to make a full rotation. So, I'm actually moving 1,000 miles per hour right now. Don't forget though--the Earth is hurling around the sun, the sun around something else, something else around something else...it's exhausting! Relative position and space. So next time someone asks you how fast a burrito travels, tell them at least 1,000 mph!!
Septemer 30th, 2004
Here it is! The Presidential debate of the year. I wonder who's more nervous. I wonder if they're having a better hair day than I am.
My goodness, that's not a receding hair line is it? I might have to stop taking pictures of myself if I keep finding these imperfections.I just can't forgive Subway for making you buy a medium drink before you get your "free" sub with your "Sub Club" card. After buying eight foot long subs, you're supposedly supposed to get the ninth one FREE. I love free stuff, but guess what? It's NOT free. No, you must buy a medium-sized soda...so let's say that's around two dollars. How much is one of their lousy subs? Six to seven dollars? So you save FOUR stinking DOLLARS?? After spending all your lunch money there for weeks and weeks? Why not just give it for free? That's all. Why not just make it free. You jerks might fools some other moron, but not me!
Here's a film I edited for a friend. That's right, a film!! It was pretty cool--I got the raw footage and raw audio and had to put something together with it. Despite being a little out of focus at times (camera's fault), the film footage was very pretty. Unfortunately, it gone through several massive conversions before it got here on the Internet, so it probably looks a lot worse. But anyway: Second Chances. Recognize the title? Enjoy the debate tonight. Of course, "The Chipotle Diaries" will be there for full and complete coverage. Enjoy your burritos. And thanks for the memories.
Septemer 29th, 2004
Yesterday I was walking the dog without the leash--that dog is smart!! He listens. I was approaching the corner of the block; a nice woman with a purebred boxer was coming from the other direction (across the street). When Geronimo (the dog) got to the corner I began to say, "Hold up, Gee," but I accidentally flubbed it and combined "hold" and "Gee" and blurted, "heel." I'm usually very proud of the way the dog listens to me when other people pass, but there was something about actually saying, "heel" that made it all just awful. The nice woman gave me a stuck up, prissy look where normally I'd get some sort of fascinated or inquisitive interest. Geronimo, or more accurately my handling of Geronimo, became a hindrance rather than an asset yesterday afternoon. I bet he could have taken the boxer in a scrap though; he’s a purebred Louisiana Catahoula, one of the finest squirrel hunting dogs ‘round these parts no doubt.
The Studio is cursed. In the past week, I've lost three "Basement Reels" to computer and/or camera issues. Why just last night I lost a three-page short story that I wrote about an unlikely decision made by a mysterious cobbler's apprentice.
The Frightful Bridge:
See?? This is "Suicide Bridge" at 5:20a.m. in the morning. See what I mean about something freaking weird going on here?? The sharp lines of the bridge in this picture gracefully converge into one strategic point...Chipotle. What could this be telling us? Also, I never really realized how crooked my nose is. How self conscious I suddenly feel.
Septemer 28th, 2004
The debate between Presidential candidates on Thursday will probably be boring. Boring, of course, if it weren't for one of them having such an AMAZING tan:
 
There's hardly a difference between the Democratic candidate on the left, and the man Booty Thunder claims "runs Hollywood" on the left.
So my computer at home, the brain or nerve center of an enormous operation is useless. It's wicked frustrating. Last night, because I couldn't use my computer, I got out some old-fashion paper and an old-fashion pencil. I'm going to be the "Director of Animation" for a film production this coming weekend so I thought I'd practice some old-fashioned drawing. I wanted to start out with something easy like a sorcerer's dungeon, but unfortunately I only got as far as the old table with an orb sitting upon it.
Last night I went to Chipotle with my new roommate. Yes, we passed over "Suicide Bridge" fortunately without incident. I was focused on dinner. Intensely focused. So focused my roommate was jogging just to keep up with my pace. Several weeks ago, I accidentally put a green "Tabasco Sauce" bottle in my paper bag and brought it home. It was such a great surprise when I got home and especially since it was an honest mistake. Well, we need a new one now, but I just can't get myself to actually "steal" one, not consciously at least. I wish I could just space out steal it again. With all the trouble they've given me over the years? Don't I deserve it? A poet far more intelligent than I once said, "A noble friend is the best gift and a noble enemy is the next best." Or you know what? Maybe my roommate could steal it. I would reprimand him, but really enjoy that Tabasco on my burrito too.
Septemer 27th, 2004
Mount St. Helens is going to blow again!! This just goes to show that mountains already set in their ways never change. "You said you weren't going to do that anymore, Mount! Now just when I start to trust you again...oh, what's the use anyway. You're hopeless." Every man has had to sit through something like this (at least every man named Mount!).
It is reported that Dan Rather is now getting pushed towards early retirement from CBS news. The whole incident stems from some "faulty information" Rather received. Apparently, he received the "faulty information" and unilaterally acted on it without consultation from other news agencies. Then...only several days later, the information was found to have been unreliable and untrue. Who's to blame? Well, the man in charge of making the decision to act on it of course. Making it even worse, Rather was blamed prior to the incident of having a liberal biased. It's a shame that major figures of power (such as news anchors) feel they need to mislead the American public to advance their own political, or, um, career agenda.
This morning walking across "Suicide Bridge" the ominous signs of fowl play were thrice:
1. Half-Chewed Cigar Butt.
Always suspicious. It was located next to a lamp post. Can you picture what I'm picturing? A lurching cloaked man smoking a cigar in the yellow street light? But what was he looking at!
2. A Cane.
Don't believe me? It's fricking TRUE!!! Isn't that the weirdest thing you've almost ever heard? Whose cane is it? How did its original owner get away from the scene?
3. Pugnacious Odor.
Same one as before...the haunting smell of death. Something large. Moose? Deer?
According to a friend, something large, HUGE, is in those woods under the bridge. Something that just this weekend scared the jeebers out of a barn full of horses.
Septemer 24th, 2004
I feel AMAZING today!! I'm not even tired, or really, really tired, or so tired that I feel nauseous, or sweating because I'm so tired! It feels great!! Not even terrible, or awful, or just AWFUL!! I'm just walking around the halls at work today whistling and thinking about how not tired I am and how great I feel. Also, I don't have a relentless headache because of exhaustion. Fortunately, today is Friday, but I feel so good I wish it were Monday. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't get the toothpaste off my pants and my right shoe won't stay tied this morning. I get very, very angry every time I look down and that damn shoe is untied again. I stand in the middle of the hallway and say, "Didn't I just tie you?" I tried being passive aggressive. "I actually don't really care. Seriously, I don't want you tied. I kinda like it better untied." I peak down to see if anything's changed...nothing has. Like my father once told me: "Son, a smart person learns from his mistakes; a wise person learns from other people's mistakes." So take heed— shoes typically won't respond to passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately.
I made a video last night for the first time in a while and my computer froze before I saved it! Iced. I don't so much feel bad for myself as I do for the fans. Poor fans. So the European Union (EU) could potentially divide over constitution disputes. Did you ever have a good friend? You guys hang out all the time? And then your friend meets a GIRL and they start seeing each other a lot, and then start "going out?" You have to hear EVERY day how amazing their life is and how pathetically happy they are. You're happy for him, but at the same time you're a little jealous? Misery loves company, but he's no longer miserable...and trust me, it's not cool to be miserable by yourself. Then he breaks up with her and although you feel bad for him, there's a tiny, tiny, tiny part of you that's sort of happy about it? I was just doing a voice over down the hall at the DSC:
Peace, love, and burrito happiness--
Septemer 23th, 2004
I woke up this morning about a half an hour early with the worst, worst stomachache. Since my sleep is so precious, I tried to ignore it...but I just couldn't, and it was awful. I thought long and hard to myself. What caused this? Where did this pain come from? Why now? How unfortunate. Then it hit me like a splash of cold water. What was the LAST THING I did before I shut my eyes last night? Oh, that's right...I ate a large pizza with sausage and mushrooms and a pint of Ben and Jerry's "Chocolate Fudge Brownie." That ice cream in particular wasn't feeling too appealing anymore--but gosh dangit, I'd do it again!! I was playing basketball yesterday after work with my shirt off at the park, soaking up some sun. Recently my leg area in general has been full of problems and aches. From what? From sitting so much at work. Man!!! After an aggressive layup, I started feeling extremely vulnerable in my knee. Very sore, very tender. It was embarrassing because I was always the big guy that didn't have knee problems. That was kind of "my thing." That was the first thing I told everyone too. I was limping up to people who weren't even playing: "Dude, this is the first time my knee has ever hurt. No, you don't understand...EVER." So the Twinkie Corporation is going bankrupt. If your product's name is synonymous with "FAT," you're starting with a bit of a disadvantage already. I just blew my nose with a crumbled up paper towel that smelled amazing. This being said, here I am in the bathroom making sure my hair is up to standards right before I go try out the office's brand new breakfast food stand. It better be good because I'm starving.
Check out my new roommate's new song he just made: Lolipop. Rocking out and hungry—
Septemer 22th, 2004
There was a study done where a focus group was split up into three separate smaller groups. The first group was what important scientists might the "controlled variable." They did nothing but sit in a room for an hour. The next group was given a pencil and told to hold it with their teeth for an hour. The last group was given a pencil and ordered to grip it with their lips for the duration. At the end of the study, scientists and psychiatrists concluded that the people holding the pencil with their teeth were happier, while those holding it with their lips were sad, and brutally, miserably depressed.
Yay!! This study is awesome!
Can I go home now? Are we getting paid for this? I feel sad and I don't know why. Why can't people label the coffee pot correctly? In the kitchen at my work this morning, there was a black pot and I guess one with an orange rim, which I assume means it's decaf. But who would make decaf? Isn't that weird? Instead of making a new pot, I just assumed the orange-rimmed dispenser was accidental. I don't trust that coffee color system. No way. It just takes one person to mess it up, and trust me...that's not something you recover from. It's like your girlfriend cheating on you. You might forgive her, but that paranoia will never really leave you again.
Septemer 21th, 2004
I need at least four more hours in the day. Is this too much? Is it like the homeless guy that asks me for five dollars instead of maybe trying for some "change" first? Four hours would be good though. I feel like I've been in such a rush recently. Rushing here, rushing there. I think my speed walking has turned into almost a little jog, which makes people nervous. I nearly had a heart attack while waiting 15 minutes!!! IN the grocery store line just now. There were two lines open, one customer in each. The grocery clerks were chatting, walking around, stretching, watching TV, talking on the phone...ANYTHING besides actually checking the ONE customer in front of me out. I finally got me breakfast though thank goodness.I heard that some football player can actually lose 22 pounds in one game! If I don't eat breakfast and lunch, I'll have lost 5 pounds by 1pm. If you're fat and sweaty you might think this is amazing, but it's actually ANNOYING. I've been trying to wear headphones for the last couple days. This is something I can no longer do. For one, I have to pay attention to where I walk. Number two, the headphone cord is too short so if the unit is in my pocket, I have to hunch over or else the two separate. I think I might look stupid walking around hunched over (especially since I practically jog).
Need some advice on how to pick up women? Tell them you own an enormous movie production company and that you just might be able to make them a star.
Also, sometimes folks get tongue tied. You have to think about what you say before you say it--at least that's what some people say. The older folk will say this.
Septemer 20th, 2004
My father and I went to Chipotle this past Friday night; he got a vegetarian burrito. I'd love to order this sometime because I desperately want to try the guacamole. As many know though, I cannot justify paying an extra $1.25 to add this luxury spread on my burrito. The only time I actually did pay for the guacamole, I got home and I realized they didn't even PUT IT ON!!! I still get furious whenever I think of that day. I wish I didn't even bring it up. I get very anxious thinking about that.
It's games like this that have changed the way companies function in this new millennium. How was the one to three hour window of pure wasted time (most employees, not me) filled before the Internet was around? Before Solitaire and Tetris? Maybe paper football or paper clip hornets.
"Take my wife...seriously, take her!" A comedian opening up with that should definitely end with this: "Our marriage is successful because I always get the last two words..."yes, dear."
I ate a piece of cold pizza just minutes before I went to bed last night, and I believe it’s responsible for the unusual questions I had in my head when I woke up. I dreamt I was walking down a cold, crisp, dark pathway. It sounded like the city, but off the sidewalk under some dark trees on a dark beaten path. In front of me I saw a dark figure holding a horsewhip and hovering silently forward at an alarming rate of speed with its dark trench coat gracefully flailing in the wind behind it. Come to think of it, I felt a horsewhip in my own hand. There was me, visible from a distance, perched strategically behind the corner of a building. Ironically, the same building attached to Chipotle. But what was I waiting for? Or whom? And why was I suspended in air? Why did I feel so poised? Intense? Should I have warmed up the pizza first? Why did I have a horsewhip? Creepy? Here I am watching TV:
Septemer 17th, 2004
People still make buildings out of wood? I actually didn't know that. There's a huge apartment or office building being built across the street from where I work, and it's constructed with wood and wood and wood. Lots of it. Tons of it.
A couple weeks ago John Kerry was introduced as "John Kennedy." Ooops! This was no mistake. Is that the all-time, ideal Democratic candidate? He was ecstatic! Laughing upon introduction:
I think it's funny, but I think it would have been even better if instead of introducing him as Kennedy, I think it would have been so much better if they introduced him instead as..."John Kerry." Hey speaking of the Democrats, did you see what those savages did to the three year-old Sophia? Poor little thing. Sophia's father took her and his 11 year-old son to see Senator Edwards speak at the local West Virginian airport the other day. They went to "support the President," bringing several pro-Bush signs. When they displayed them, a throng of Kerry-Edwards supporters (including "old woman and college students") began stealing the signs from the youngsters and ripping them up (maybe with their teeth...or fangs), and then hooting. We are left with is this sorry image:
Some reflection upon the burritos in general:  .
Septemer 16th, 2004
I have a very, very hard time sitting down at work these days...but not because I'm bored, though I am, but because I have a constant, dull pain that runs down my left leg and up my back. This error in my body originates from the sciatic nerve, which originates in my hip. So I have to stand up. Stand up and type at my computer. I do this or put my legs up on the desk and type. One looks weird, one looks lazy. I can't win. Actually, the only real way to win is to develop some sort of dependency on painkillers...then I win. Me. Not pain, or gain, or nerves, or sciaticism, but ME. And it's my turn to win.
Last night I worked on a pilot show for the Travel Channel. I thought I was going to be an extra in it so I put a little extra conditioner in my hair. Unfortunately, I may have put too much in as you definitely can't tell by the picture beneath:
I'm in the kitchen at work here. Just moments later, I will spill some oatmeal on my freshly dry-cleaned and medium starched shirt. I will get upset, but then I will take a sip of water and let it dribble over the stain. I always end up with food on my shirt by the end of the day.
So after the oatmeal incident, I took a walk around the building. The reason I have a sciatic nerve imperfection is because I sit too much!! It's my job. Seriously. The weather today is ominous, cold, gray. I stared up at the timeless sky..."a gray morning," I thought to myself.
Johnny Ramone dies at 55. You heard it here first folks.
THE CHIPOTLE DIARIES...
The Nation's First And Foremost Source Of News
-out
Septemer 15th, 2004
Hurricane Ivan is terrible! I fear for the city of New Orleans and my friend that attends Tulane law school. By the end of today, Ivan will most likely have already revealed its malicious design.
Remember Tracy Gold from "Growing Pains?" Well, she was driving her baby and husband around when her SUV just happened to flip and roll over down an embankment. It turns out Tracy just happened to be loaded. The police just happened to book her and charge her with a felony. I actually feel terrible for her. She seems so helpless.
I've been so busy recently doing different projects for other people. I can sympathize with poor Michelangelo as he was torn away from his one and only true love, sculpting, by Pope Julius II to work on commissions that were "not as exciting," such as the Sistine Chapel ceiling. I designed this poor excuse for a website. It's obviously not done, I'm not sure I can bare it. I made another clip for a corporate video. I didn't have much time left, but check out these two amazing songs I composed:
Loop this loop and chill out for the afternoon.
This song is about a man caught in an internal and external dilemma.
I have a solid sense of hope, which was reinforced by a Chinese fortune:
I don't doubt this wouldn't be disputed by too few or too many.
Septemer 14th, 2004
Yesterday I was walking my roommate's dog in the park, watching it hunt and chase squirrels. He stops in his tracks, tail erect, senses sharpened to a fine point. He transforms into an apparition as he quietly creeps upon his prey. His mouth waters. His eyes show no hostility, no intention of malice--only necessity of life and survival. It's so instinctual. Or is it? In all my months of walking him I've never once seen him come even close to catching one. In fact, the dog's owner told me Geronimo has NEVER caught a "living" squirrel. Furthermore, I don't think I've ever, ever seen ANY dog catch a squirrel. So why is hunting and chasing small game part of this animal's "instinctual" behavior? It's clearly not a source of sustenance. I have a serious weakness for feeding dogs. They are always hungry. I can sympathize with them. Tony Blair is calling climate change and global warming the biggest problems about to face civilization. In an upcoming speech (I've already heard it!) he is going to tell the world that Hurricane Ivan will lead to the return of the infamous, "El Nino," which will in turn cause massive weather shifts over the entire world while it reigns. Everywhere except Europe that is. Still, the man sees it as a problem. Look, this Ivan is bad news. Furthermore, I have to get going because my ten bosses have been storming in and out of my room all morning giving me hell about one insignificant detail or another. But guess what? The corporate ad deal at the bottom has already earned $12 dollars! I'm LOADED dude. I got some decent sleep last night and plan on making a huge, benevolent, productive day as soon as this lousy work is over.
So here's me at work pretending to fire someone on the phone. I wasn't actually talking to anyone and my boss walked in moments later and yelled at me.
Septemer 13th, 2004
Last night I spoke with my girlfriend who now lives in Las Vegas until the late hours. It's always nice to hear her voice, but unfortunately last night's conversation was under stressful circumstances. At one point she remarked that I was too melodramatic...something I've surprisingly been accused of before. On my walk to the subway this morning, a lonely mix of moonlight and yellow streetlamp still draped over the cold, damp road--I walked, somberly, staring at my feet, singing Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. Only the good parts though, the real sad ones...mostly just the chorus. Mostly just the first couple lines.
Goodness, I know one of my main problems is still lack of sleep. I get a couple good night's of sleep in a row, and then I go and ruin it with 6 hours in the last two days. Today I've imposed a mandatory bedtime, and I won't say specifically when it is, but it's at 9pm.
I finally saw the World War II memorial yesterday. It's bigger than I thought. A lot of water. You can never go wrong with a lot of water in a memorial.
Bertoldo Di Giovanni was at one time an assistant to Donatello, and later a teacher and mentor to a young Michelangelo. In his later years, he whispered by candlelight one final lesson to Michelangelo:
"There is no thrill of mortal danger to surpass that of a lone person trying to create something that never existed before." Also, has this man lost his mind? I'm not sure what he's saying, but he looks crazy:
I need to do something to help my girlfriend, I am making her very sad I think. It's not intentional, but that doesn't matter. Poor girl. I'm surprisingly not very easy to live with! Even with all my positive attributes.
Septemer 10th, 2004
I was in the bathroom the other day at work and I realized if the situation called for it, I probably wouldn't be able to find a good hiding spot in there. I mean besides the stalls, which are the MOST obvious place to look, there is nowhere else to hide. You're a sitting duck if for some reason someone chases you in there. Sometimes people hide in the ventilation shafts, but this is easier said than done. First thing you do when you enter a room: ALWAYS scan the room for a good hiding place. Get close to it, someone else might be spying the same one. In an emergency situation, YOU want to be the one to get the spot.
 See a spot? No, everything is too smooth.
Dogs would make great hippies. They're always hungry. They're always happy (not true for hippies, only happy on drugs probably), always staring at stuff. The only real difference is that dogs generally don't constantly try to revolt against authority, and if anyone's got the right to do it, it's them. They really have no control over their life or their own destiny. A good owner can make a dog very happy, but that dog still has to stay inside or stay in the yard. And the owner ALWAYS has final say. Poor dog. Dogs have a disadvantage because of that language barrier. We cannot understand their protests and therefore ignore them. "Wha-what? Geeze, I just can't understand you, fella'. What's that? All right listen little guy, you just sit tight and we'll take a walk in a couple hours. Sound good? yes it does! ooooh, yes it does!!" Meanwhile, the dog is thinking, "two damn hours? I've been sitting on this stupid floor pillow for 12 hours now."
The Space Station's oxygen generator failed, which sucks. For the astronauts. Big time. Today is payday! I'm bringing my paycheck to that fantastic burrito place that we all know and love!!! RIGHT AFTER WORK. I'm going straight there. I just want to feel full again, you understand. I don't actually like the burritos that much. But they're also great because they're so satisfying. I get paid well and for good reason, look how complicated this looks:
I'm OUT!!
Septemer 9th, 2004
A 37 year-old Floridian man was back out behind his house yesterday just, you know, shooting some puppies in the head. He couldn't find a home for the litter of 3-month-old puppies, so he held them in his arms, put a gun up to their heads, and prepared to shoot. Just then the puppy in his left arm decided to squirm (the guy should have done his research--this is actually not unusual behavior for a puppy), and caused the firearm to accidentally (?) discharge into the bad man's wrist. So the cute puppies were safe, but old "Cruello De Vil" ended up arrested and in the hospital.
So HALF of the Los Angeles working population cannot READ at a basic level. That’s awful! And I’m sweating a job over there? Illiteracy is scary. It leads to widespread ignorance and serious, serious “mob mentality.” You can probably look at any trouble area in the world right now and I’ll bet that there’s a high illiteracy rate. You could argue that people in trouble areas have a more difficult time focusing on education because of the violence, poverty, and hardship, or the cause and effect could be the other way around. Either way, it should be prioritized because nothing good comes out of it—just a cluster of parochial drones all marching to the same chaotic beat.
So I sort of have this arch rival employee in the printer at work. The person doesn’t actually work in the printer room, but just prints out a LOT of stuff everyday and picks up about a quarter of it. And I can clearly see her name on the reports, there’s no doubt they’re hers, but I also know she’s already left for the day. This happens every single day. I guess maybe sometimes people just don’t know they’re doing something wrong if it’s never brought to their attention, right? This isn’t exactly the type of thing that’s easy to bring up. I mean there’s no simple way to let her know how BAD this is without looking like a whining, nit-picking dodo especially since I never see her. Also, it’s everybody’s printer, not just ours. I am VERY, VERY edgy recently. I feel like I am wasting too much of my time even though I’m working every minute I can think of. I’m going to get a cup of tea. peace-
If that lousy Google wants to make any money, they have to keep the ads fresh. It doesn't look like they are. Don't click on any ads unless you really want to, I don't need any sympathy money. Besides, I think I'm going to ice Google.
Septemer 8th, 2004
So I sat in my basement last night thinking about how hungry I was. Fortunately, I had plenty of leftovers from dinner at my uncle's house the other night, but I knew I was fast approaching the hour where I would have to go back to the angel hair and tuna fish. See, I'm trying to pay off all my bills and debt, so when I get any money at all I put it all towards that. Unfortunately, this means no hearty Chipotle burritos for the time being. But guess what! Guess who's sold out?? That's right. ME!!! I've gone corporate to gain glory and riches. Google has handpicked the "Chipotle Diaries" to run a couple ads relevant to my content. So each time someone clicks on the ad, I'll be one step closer to buying that now so distant Chipotle lunch once again. Personally, I think all ads are annoying, but it's cool that Google will scan the content and at least make the ads relevant—maybe I’ll intentionally write strange words to throw off the robot, like "Fahrenheit 9-11." But I'm hungry right now. I sheepishly scrubbed through the refrigerator at work looking for any little scrap of breakfast to pirate, but my conscience got the better of me. Actually I never even really thought of stealing anything, I just wanted to see what all the rich people were eating these days. I usually feel as though I’m on the side of Marie Antoinette, engaged in joyful gluttony within the palace walls, but recently I’ve felt left out…as a pauper would. She once said, "If they have no bread, let them eat cake." Cake and tunafish?
I think my girlfriend is slowly bumping me out of the equation. I don't blame her--I couldn't get myself together enough to move to Vegas (or even visit yet!). I just wasn't ready yet. I miss her!! I keep myself busy with nonsense. Poor and nonsensical.
The French are odd with their underground societies and everything.
I received an email from my friend Steve Daly yesterday titled, “Damn it’s good to be king!”
So Yakamore the floating orb friend returns for another installment of the Chipotle Diaries' very own series, "Yakamore, The Orb." You can follow our faithful little burrito-eating friend here! INSTALLMENT 1
Septemer 7th, 2004
Do know what makes you smell great all day long? Make pancakes first thing in the morning. Pancakes smell delicious and smelling like them is handsome. Also, making pancakes actually isn't as hard as it may seem! The preparation process is harmless, no more than cooking eggs. Michael Phelps eats eight fried eggs, eight slices of toast, a whole melon, and a stack of chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Sitting here at work so hungry, this makes me a little sad and jealous. I LOVE the new smell of pancakes on you.
John Kerry just recently said in a speech that "W stands for wrong. Wrong choices, wrong judgment, wrong priorities, wrong direction for our country." Actually, that's incorrect. It stands for Walker. Another lie from Kerry.
Some problems for a fraternity called "Sigma Pi" at Colorado State University. Actually, that's the sixth student death already of this new college year. It the first week in September! Geeze guys, relax.
Michael Moore will be pursuing "Best Picture" rather than "Best Documentary." Um......whatever. I don't know why, but Labor Day weekend is best known for its top grossing horror films. I mean, "Jeepers Creepers?"
 
Hmmmm....
I need to remake another decision regarding my life and my girlfriend, don't I? Come on, think! Peter, think. WHATZAMATTA!!!
Septemer 3rd, 2004
Yesterday I went to the dentist again for a fairly unnecessary follow-up appointment. Going to the dentist is no longer fun because you don't get out of school for appointments; you have to go on your own precious time. The nice woman cleaning my teeth was telling me how great her grandchildren are and what a pain it used to be to wake up and make her kids breakfast before school when they were little. She kept saying something, but my mind started drifting off into memories. To my knowledge, I couldn't think of one time I woke up for school when there wasn't breakfast on the table for me and my brothers. In fact, when I came home from college for the summer after my Freshman year and I had to be at work at 5:00am each morning, there was always full, hot breakfast on the table for me at 4:15am!! My mother is amazing!George W. Bush. I thought he looked relaxed, good composure. I thought it was funny when there was a brief pause while a protester was being dragged out by a dozen security soldiers after holding up a sign that read, "Bush Lied, People Died." I think the reason for it being funny is obvious, although I don't know what it is. The real story though is that Russian school seizure. I can't think of a worse situation than that. Just terrible! Although, the White House's quick response to the event was appropriate, calling the hostage-taking "barbaric" and blaming the hostage-takers for the lives lost during the storming of the school.
Has anyone else noticed that something really wierd is going on? It seems like every morning I wake up it's getting a little darker each time. Is this because of the impending election? This has been in the back of my mind.
Remember how mad I am at the dentist? Right before the nurse put flouride on my teeth I said, "Wait a second, is that flouride? I don't really want that. Is that ok?" She said, "well, I guess, I mean, you don't really need to do anything if you don't want." Everyone knows that the cost for flouride treatment comes out of your own pocket!! There she goes, putting it on without even asking me! Sort of like when the people in the Chipotle line automatically give you chicken if you don't say anything. TO SAVE MONEY!!! Here's the sketchy front door of that lousy, greedy office:
How depressing.
Septemer 2nd, 2004
There was this guy that got fired about a month back (different from the Slimfast guy). I passed his room just about every day and usually said hi. Now it's been about a month and I am still calling the guy that works in that room now the same name as the last fellow. And this is unintentional. Unintentional and stupid. How would I have that strong of a geographical association with a name?
Over 1,000 were arrested the other day. Of course, processing these activists at the local precincts would be impossible, so the NYPD bring them to a warehouse on the Hudson River they set up specifically for this purpose. Put 1,000 activists together under a roof of authority and it's not a surprise that you get people comparing their 1-3 hour detention, where they are offered "milk and sandwiches--bologna, cheese or peanut butter" to
GUANTANAMO BAY!!! Poor things. Coolers full of ice and drinks.
Kobe ices the law just as Fox News is icing all network competition this week. Coincidence? My roommate told me yesterday that I have to learn how to clean (referring to the kitchen sink). I'm usually a very, very clean person, however, I think I can blame it on my current down period. I'm starving. Oh, what I would right now for a burrito. Too bad, no burritos. I'm trying to save every penny. Only tuna fish, bread, and water.
Septemer 1st, 2004
Is it worth it to walk 15 minutes to get a free croissant? Maybe sometimes, but not this morning. It's about 90 degrees outside. The main building of my work was advertising "Free Croissants and Coffee!" today, so naturally I got some work done in advance and made my way over there. I was finished with my lousy croissant by the time I was out of the building, and 15 minutes later when I was back to my own office again I was hot, sweaty, and still very, very hungry. Miserable, but luckily this morning was one of the only mornings I know of where my boss decided to buy everyone bagels, donuts, and orange juice. So excellent! I slipped my mesh shorts on (they were in my bag for the workout) and I cream cheesed up a bagel and I'm happy again.
One thing that didn't make me happy though was last night when I went to 7-11 for some ice cream. Have you noticed that the "Ben and Jerry's" selection has been reduced? Not really, but the product display is now split between the normal flavors and their new low-fat flavors! Wow, sounds amazing, you mean it's actually good for you? So I've already tried this low-fat Ben and Jerry's and it majorly sucks. It tastes bad. I say quit it with that garbage and stop compromising your once delicious selection.
Is the world outraged over the current terrorist-related events over in Russia? France? Nepal?? This is horrifying. Horrifying. An "Islamic" fundamentalist/extremist group behind them all. Mob rule. Mob momentum. This has to stop. The civilized world needs to become united on this and unleash mighty hell upon on these groups.
You know what really brings the production value of a movie down? If the actors or actresses have Canadian accents (unless it's supposed to take place in Canada). Apparently, a lot of film producers will now shoot in Toronto and pretend it's New York because it looks similar on the streets. I don't like this. Bottom line, you hear a Canadian accent, you start assuming.
August 31th, 2004
Having a dog around the house is great, don't get me wrong, but if you live in the city it can lead to a lot of guilt. This cute, little guilt follows me around everywhere, putting its paw up on my leg, asking politely, but desperately for a simple walk. I have to remember, that dog has been sitting inside that dingy apartment all day. Like a jail.
I'm imposing a MANDATORY naptime for myself today after work. That's that. Nothing more said. 4-5 hours of sleep a night has been taking its nasty toll on me, mentally. I'm snappy, more agitable. I snapped at that dog last night...not for real, of course, but in my mind. Again, the guilt. Romano Prodi, the current European Union president, has claimed the EU "trounced" the world in medals at this year's Olympics. I don't know exactly what sort of state or superstate the EU is, but I didn't see any EU flags or EU national anthems playing in the ceremony, so tough luck Prodi. The Republican National Convention is underway and things are getting ugly in NYC. The shear number of protesters in that space boiling each day for seven days straight is going to make, I think, physical confrontation inevitable. Sure enough, it's starting in small numbers. One delegate was trying to visit the "Lion King" Broadway show with his wife when a protester ran up to him, punched him in the face, and then ran away. The idea of the "mob" or "masses" of the people really scares me. Momentum can propel nearly any situation out of control. Not to say that the protesters don't have intelligent or good points to make, I think they do, but I think there's rarely if ever an argument that doesn't have two sides to it. One may be better, sure, but I think it’s important to think seriously about why the other side might feel the way they do. It’s the only way to really ever accomplish peace and tolerance. And that goes for everyone!! You know, the thing about dogs is they always forgive you. It’s very, very difficult to be mean to a sweet dog.
Here is a person scanning the hallway for any sign of food. Poor fella.
August 30th, 2004
I'm now taking full responsibility for my life's direction. I feel better, more focused. In the meantime, enjoy every chance you have to eat an amazing burrito from Chipotle. It may not be your last, but it will restore your self-confidence. Go out today and treat yourself because you deserve it.
August 27th, 2004
What a great surprise to find three episodes of "Chicago Hope" to watch at work this morning. I'm sitting in my soundproof room, balling out loud with an egg sandwich and coffee cake. The egg sandwich was a little cold too. This reminds me of when I woke up one morning a couple years ago during another emotionally charged period of my life, and my "Harry Potter" DVD was still playing, probably on repeat, near the end. I just caught the ending at the right time when the score comes in and I started crying and clapping. Isn't that ridiculous?
Here's a picture from last Thursday of my two friends, Paul and Dylan. Dylan just said something amazing and exasperating if you can imagine.
The other morning I woke up for work, got dressed, splashed water on my face, and went out the door. I turned back, as I usually do three or four times before I finally remember everything, to get the sandwiches I made. For no reason, my computer screen popped on, so I went over to turn it off. The computer screen read 4:33am. I checked my cell phone--4:33am. Besides being pleasantly surprised that both were synchronized, I realized that I woke up early for absolutely no reason. It turns out that my poor, dear mother tripped, hit her head on a dresser, and hurt herself badly that same night. I feel terrible for her. I have to get a hold of my brothers today. I've been such a mess recently, and have been sloppy and forgetful. I miss my girlfriend too. Soon though, soon I will immerge from the "Dark Ages," and I will be a better, stronger man. Remember the mouse? Poor mouse caught me during the "Dark Ages." Poor thing. But I didn't kill it, I just found it this way under a girl's desk.
She was on a chair screaming, so I went over to help her. I told her, "I know boys are supposed to like picking up dead mice and stuff, but I don't. Of course I'll do it, I just want you to know that I don't like it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll strap it to a cherry bomb and roll around in the mud." That last part's actually not true.
August 26th, 2004
Exhausted. I'm overextending myself in the wrong places.
August 25th, 2004
I smelled eggs and sausage cooking this morning on way walk from the train to work. My stomach and I both agree that this is the most pleasant smell imaginable. This is very interesting I'm sure, but what happened before that on the enchanted bridge? Yesterday I did some research. Locals call it "Suicide Bridge." Check out this map I drew up for safety reasons. As legend has it, "Suicide Bridge" used to be the highest and the most perilous in the whole city. 'Twas so attractive to potential jumpers, that authorities fastened enormous, concaved, steel bars that make it nearly impossible to climb over.
It's a warm, breezy 5:13am, and the streets are deserted. Same as every morning. I passed the bridge without anything too strange occurring, besides the mysterious, hunched over man walking with his ominous cane. No, the real scare came when I actually entered the underground. There was a completely empty terminal. Empty. But if was so empty, why was there TWO soda cups on the bench?
I'm happy for the Iraqi soccer team because even though they lost, I think they'll be pleasantly surprised when they return home and are treated as heroes instead of getting whipped in a dungeon.
August 24th, 2004
On my way to work this morning, street lamps still on, I was walking towards the same place I smelled the dead moose yesterday when I saw something that struck me as peculiar. I looked up towards the big bridge I walk across every day, and it was filled with flashing cop cars. I put my head back down as I usually do when I'm power-walking and thought to myself, "I'm not doing anything wrong, just going to work. They shouldn't give me any trouble. Don't look suspicious." I got a hold of myself, looked up and behold! I saw an empty bridge. Nothing. Just complete silence and emptiness. In the middle of the bridge a mysterious figure wearing a cloak passed by. Something funny is going on here, I'm not stupid.
I have an extraordinary sleep deficit and I'm imposing a mandatory 9pm curfew for myself tonight. A good night's rest is necessary to think clearly. At least I've been eating better. Last night I cooked fish, sautéed peppers, onions, broccoli, tomatoes, and boiled potatoes. Two bowls of ice cream. Regardless of my healthy diet however, I am still looking ravaged:
The decision I have to make by week's end is taking its cruel toll.
August 23th, 2004
I walked down a dimly lit road this morning with a chilling breeze at my back. The breeze was actually pleasant, but what wasn't pleasant was the wretched odor of death creeping around me.
Right off in these woods somewhere is a large, stinky dead body. I figured by the size and range of the stench it must have been some sort of moose or large horse. I was late to work so I couldn't really stop, but the smell will give it away within moments of morning rush hour.
While sitting on the subway yesterday on my way home from work (on Sunday), a family of three sitting in front of me on both sides of the isle started arguing like little babies. The husband was saying nasty, winy things to his wife, the wife was crying and complaining, and the teenage girl was being bratty and obnoxious. How embarrassing for them. The whole train was pretty much quiet except for the dysfunctional trio. Couldn't the husband/father at least have enough sense not to wine to his wife and child on a quiet subway car? It was just embarrassing for everyone, but irritating for me.
A computer glitch reported a massive tornado heading towards Los Angeles (no, not Taquet). I have one week to present a life plan. If you can imagine, that’s stress!!
 
Should I make this change? I usually chew and floss my teeth with a wooden coffee stirrer.
Beside working overtime, going grocery shopping for fruit and vegetables, drawing a lion, and making a video, working out, and a bunch of other stuff, I didn't do anything this weekend. Somehow it was still exhausting though.
August 20th, 2004
I'm still reaping the benefits from my "Slim-Fast" booty, the delectable treasure I pirated from a vacated desk earlier this week. Remember: Slim-Fast is not used as meal supplement, just a healthy addition to whatever you already eat. Yesterday I stuck to my new diet, eating salad, fruit, and fish. I feel so refreshed because of it! Actually, I feel ravaged and exhausted.
This will be the first weekend I'll be around DC in probably over a month. Also, it'll be the first one without my girlfriend, who already got invited to a pool party on Saturday. I wonder if it's still romantic to type my letters, and then copy them by quill to parchment? Maybe this is cheating. I'm thinking perhaps of exploring our Nation's capital this weekend. I haven't seen the World War II memorial yet. Either way, I'm I'll miss her.
Yesterday, when I was boarding the train after work, I noticed a train come in to the station going the opposite direction. When I got home, I found out that train derailed just minutes later. When I got to work this morning, I saw a reporter doing a live feed on the Silver Spring train derailment incident. See how dark it is now in the morning? Like nighttime.
I read that 1,000 of Google's 2,300 employees are now millionaires (on paper). Fat Darrell?
Not for me. Not right now. I have too much to live for and it's summertime.
August 19th, 2004
I just woke up from a whirlwind eating binge and I feel great. First I ate a big blue cheese burger at "The Diner" in Washington, DC. This was cooked perfectly, but was like taking a handful of sand from the desert...the desert being my hunger and the sand being steps I'm taking to quell it. After this I spoke with my friend, a bigtime movie producer, and we went to "Ben's Chili Bowl," also in downtown DC. I got a huge chili sausage drenched in cheese and a vanilla milkshake. When I got home, I had four glasses of water and went to sleep. I hope I'm not letting myself go as my girlfriend is now out of town. Do you know what's pathetic? It wasn't until I got halfway to work this morning before I realized that I put on the same shirt I wore yesterday. I just completely forgot. It still smells clean, but I should try to not do this anymore.
My girlfriend is staying at "The Palm's" in Vegas until she can find a place to live. Can you believe that? I miss her, but I'm happy that she can be in such an exciting place. Right now I'm putting together a care package to send her. I've never been to Las Vegas, but I hear such amazing things about their all-you-can-eat buffets.
Two things in the news. First, a roller coaster called "The Chiller" from a Six Flags Adventure Park got stuck yesterday after a power outage and left 75 people stranded upside down for over an hour!! No one was hurt, but can you imagine how terrifying that must have been? Have you ever hung upside down for an hour? Secondly, a bear was found passed out on the front lawn of a wildlife resort in the state of Washington yesterday. Workers found 36 empty cans of beer surrounding the bear, which he apparently stole from a camper's cooler. The bear drank a case and a half of beer and passed out cold.
Here's some footage I took of myself going for my first cheeseburger of the evening (this was actually an hour prior to "The Diner," I got a Whopper at Burger King). Walking to Burger King. Geeze, the more I think about it, the more guilt I begin to feel about yesterday. I forgot about that Whopper.
Ben's Chili Bowl Surprise! Cheese.
MISSING SECTION OF "THE CHIPOTLE DIARIES" CURRENTLY BEING RESTORED
From August 3rd to August 18th. Currently being restored.
August 2nd, 2004
I had another and most likely final episode with the bagel shop this morning. I put my order in while I was on the train on my way to work, so that I could pick up my breakfast sandwich with having to wait. When I got there, the woman had NO bagels cooked. She told me it would be five minutes (not the time she promised on the phone). It ended up being 20 minutes. When she finally handed over the product, she gave what sounded like an audible breath of relief. I said to myself, "You shouldn't be so easy on yourself. Your lack of preparation is appalling. I'm insulted and you should be embarrassed. Chesapeake Bagels has lost a customer for good. I don't care how awesome and convenient your bagel sandwiches are." They've screwed up the last consecutive three visits, and have lost a good man and a good friend.
I usually have about a ten minute walk to the Metro (train) in the morning, sometimes it can be closer to 20 depending on what route I take. This morning I took a long walk down a residential block. It's around 5:20am, so it's still dark and usually creepy. I walked past a dark, ominous house this morning and heard a chainsaw coming from behind or in the garage. When the noise suddenly stopped, I felt an unusual urge to make some unnatural noises (most likely to let the person responsible for the strange and possibly mischievous chainsaw behavior know that their actions are not going unnoticed). So I yelped in a high-pitched voice sort of like an owl, "I see you, I see you!" Unfortunately, it sounded more like, "Icey yooo, Icey yooo." But remember, it sounded like an owl. My yelping was enough to make the noise not start up again, which I'm sure pleased the terrified or annoyed neighbors lying in bed, trying to catch their last few hours of snooze. I felt a little weird, but happy that I was able to accomplish something so early in the morning.
This is a picture of my new haircut. Notice the building in the background and the car I'm driving. What's amazing is that I captured this picture with my opposite hand. Also, my shirt is off for one reason only. It was hot. Very, very hot. I put it back on as soon as I came into contact with people. I was listening to the Beach Boys, my favorite song, "Surfer Girl."
July 30th, 2004
Last night I went to my girlfriend's sister's rehearsal dinner at Magianos. This place is simply delicious, no two ways around it. I ate much, much more than I could bear though. I was full beyond full. It's uncomfortable, but very pleasing to me and makes me happy. The only problem is that when you eat that much, you wake up starving! Ok, I gotta run, need to do some lawnwork (I'm getting yelled at). Farewell, all you burrito lovers out there! I will miss all of you dearly.
July 29th, 2004
My guilt got the better of me and I finally went to the dentist office yesterday after five years or so. Later my father told me it was 14 years since his last visit. I wish I knew this prior to wasting my afternoon because apparently, you don't have to go EVERY year! My dentist put this into my head as a young child. Sometimes dentists can be creepy and conniving, looking to perform unnecessary procedures so as to work you and your insurance and YOU. Fortunately, thanks to my parents, I don't have a tendency to get cavities. I wish I knew this as well. The nurse at the office that cleaned my teeth told me she was 60, I told her I though she was 40 and she nearly fell off the chair with glee.
Remember Chipotlelovers.com? Check out what this amazing burrito site wrote about The Chipotle Diaries!"
The Chipotle Diaries
An amusing diary with some fun chipotle references.
Scroll down to January 7th to see what he thinks
of ChipotleLovers.com! At least we are sharing
links now!
My friend (who will remain unnamed in this disclaimer for security purposes)forwarded me an email correspondence she had with an employee from Chipotle. Apparently, she was a little perturbed over the sodium content in the burritos (I don't blame her--high sodium intake causes turkey jowls). Here's the chain:
*****Children reader digression, fowwwl language.*****
From: Laura
To: Joe
Subject: Re: Thank you for Tuning In and Turning On
Too much fucking sodium in your burritos, what are you trying to kill me?!
Joe wrote:
We are sorry you don't like our fucking sodium.
From: Laura
To: Joe
Subject: Re: Thank you for Tuning In and Turning On
It doesn't seem like you're sorry? Why is the sodium content so high?
Joe wrote:
Laura,
Ah, well, if we can agree to talk without cursing that
you don't either. Can you agree with me on that much please?
Here is our actual nutritional information - attached
(since I am not sure where you got your information before).
Do you wish to look at it first and then get back to me?
There is a fair amount of salt in our food, it's true, since
that is our style of food and always has been. But is it
something for which we need to apologize? And I am not
trying to offend you by any means, but alas that is
the way we make our food. Certainly you can cut back
on it by avoiding certain items of ours.
-Joe
From: Laura
To: Joe
Subject: Re: Thank you for Tuning In and Turning On
Hi Joe,
Fair enough, sorry for the foul language in my first email.
I was just in shock and angry that there wasn't
a disclaimer explaining the high sodium content before
I ate a burrito from Chipotle today.
Thanks for the nutritonal info. After reading it,
I strongly think that you should consider
incorperating/creating at least a few low
sodium items into your menu. Low sodium doesn't
have to mean less flavor. There are many naturally
occuring food items that have a lot of bang
for their buck. I've calculated a couple combinations
and they all total 2000mg's+ per burrito which is not
just unhealthy it's is dangerous too!
It is recommended not to intake more than 2,400
mg's per day. High sodium intake leads to heart attacks,
high blood pressure, kidney failure (just to name a few).
I understand that your style of food is traditionally
salty but If you've ever noticed that some restaurants
that traditionally have food high in salt will usually
have some sort of low sodium alternative....per example,
maybe you could offer a low sodium hot sauce?
Similar to the way most japanese restaurants
offer low sodium soy sauce. Or you could stock
a low sodium tortilla similar to low sodium bread.
These are two small changes that would be minimum
overhead for the restaurant and would make it a better
for people with health issues relating to salt.
Hopefully, you will take into consideration
some of my ideas and concerns.
Thanks,
Laura
Joe wrote:
Laura,
That's fair, and we will most definitely consider
your request/suggestion for the future. Thank you
for the time you took to express your concerns,
and we appreciate you writing us!
-Joe
July 28th, 2004
All right, folks, we have a lot to talk about on the top of the hour, so let's get started. First off, I got a haircut last week and it's sent ripples through the Greater Washington DC Metro area. Everyone has been saying, "Oh my! Your haircut!! I LOVE it!!" Everyone, everyone. It's amazing because I feel like it's a normal haircut. True, it's a lot shorter than I've been wearing it for the last several months, but it's not the first time I've had short hair. For goodness sake, I just feel a little anxious because I don't want to waste this surprise hair look. My cell phone is dead right now; otherwise you can bet I'd have many, many pictures of myself and my new haircut.
Ben Affleck. WOW!! Who is his publicist anyway? Regardless of whether or not I agree with his political platform, I think he plays an amazing politician. He's shown great composure and charisma for a political setting this week. I'm very impressed. Yesterday he responded to a question concerning his ambition for the Presidential Office one day with, "Well, if I did run and win people would no longer be able to say that I'm the worst actor never to win the Presidency."
John Kerry. Will anyone still actually be interested by the time he arrives at the Convention? I mean, he's like the six or seventh speaker I'd like to hear if I was in Boston. Maybe even eighth behind Ron Reagan Jr. (you know, the former Eukanuba National Championship Dog Show host).
Verizon wireless has a lot of great qualities, but when your batteries run out and your phone is dead, there shouldn't be THREE rings before the voicemail picks up!!! It should go DIRECTLY to voicemail. But no, it doesn't. Instead there are three rings and people probably think I'm pressing the "ignore" button on my phone after three.
The enormous company I work for just recently moved from one town to another. There was a Chipotle close by in the previous town and one was just recently built in the new town. SO everyone got "free burrito" coupons in our new building...everyone except for ME!!!!!
July 27th, 2004
I just watched the entire Saturday morning cartoon lineup for NBC, starting with "Scout's Safari" and ending with "Kenny the Shark." It would have been relaxing if it wasn't for another folly from the bagel shop woman this morning. After I got my sausage, egg, and cheese bagel this morning I passed over my debit card to the lady, she swiped it, ten minutes went by!!! and then she gave me my receipt. After I signed it, I noticed that I was charged over 13 dollars! I said what the heck, and she said, "Here is the nine dollars cash back you wanted." ???? You can go up and reread my summary here. Did I ask for cash back? I feel like Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out any second and I'm going to say, "Ohhhh, you!! I knew it, I KNEW it!"
I have a new roommate moving in this weekend. He records and composites sound and codes Internet sites. It'll be very productive, however, the Studio will miss old Booty Thunder. It just won't be the same without that miserable, messy bastard around. Friday, August 6th will mark the Booty Thunder and Scotty Miller Extravaganza at Staccato Piano Bar and Lounge in Adams Morgan, Washington DC. Booty’s brother, Josh Fix, played a wildly successful Taquet sponsored concert there in June. The entire crew should be on board to say bon voyage to the DC-based Taquet Studio. I would LOVE a 1,300-calorie Chipotle burrito today, but it's no longer as convenient as it used to be. No word on my near-future itinerary yet. I’m still pondering and it’s exhausting.
July 26th, 2004
I’ve been gone at my brother’s wedding extravaganza in upstate NY for the last several days. Everything went perfect except for the part I was responsible for. I put together a slideshow of pictures for my brother and his wife, and projected it on a large pull down screen in front of everyone at the reception. The only problem was that the lousy sun made it nearly impossible to see anything! What a bomb. Even though everyone was very polite and told me how great it was, they were lying because all they saw was glare. It was ten minutes of 150 people sitting silently, looking at a white projector screen with an awkward tension in the air. A lot of fantastic food and of course it was great to see my parents, brothers, and grandmother. I only wish I could have spent more non-wedding related time with them.
The inexpensive and inexperienced Independence Air lost my luggage on route home. There were 20 people on my one-way, direct flight to Washington. After waiting at baggage claim for an hour, it was eventually concluded that the luggage was lost. What a bunch of a-holes.
I saw “The Bourne Supremacy” last night. I think the hardest thing about being a ridiculous spy is having no one else know how cool you are. After I pulled off some kind of spy mission move I’d immediately look around to see if anyone was watching, if not, I’d feel compelled to call someone on my cell phone and describe in detail the elaborate spy activities I just participated in.
No burritos this weekend, but I ordered a simple sausage, egg, and cheese bagel this morning and ended up getting a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel. WHAT IS WRONG HERE!! People in the food service industry need to listen and confirm. Of course I didn’t bite into my sandwich until I was already sitting in my seat at work. You know what? The bacon was actually pretty good, but that’s not the point.
July 21th, 2004
Golly!! Last night was another doozie of a sleeping effort. It seems like 4 hours of sleep is the new 5 for me. You what isn't a safe place to go right now? Iraq. I'm very happy for former Al Qaeda hostage Angelo de la Cruz and his eight sons. There's hardly a doubt that the Filipino withdrawal from Iraq will cause a huge problem for the current situation over there.
Recently Linda Ronstadt, whom I might add bears a slight resemblance to Princess Fiona from Shrek...
...was escorted out of a Vegas casino and told never to return because she urged fans to go see Michael Moore's new film. The crowd reacted violently by throwing things, tearing down posters, and demanding their money back. The Aladdin Hotel wouldn't even let her go to her room and get her stuff. Wow. Is this how it was in the fifties with the Commies?
How cute is this little girl???
You know I was thinking that it's too bad those stinkin hippies have to claim the environment as "their thing" because I really like it and they make it so unfashionable to support. Not only that, but the news just reported that three nuclear warheads were just found in Iraq! Buuuuuuuuurito!!
July 20th, 2004
Last night my curiosity got the best of me and I paid ten bucks to go see Fahrenheit 9-11 by myself. Great trailers prior to the film, mostly all independent from Miramax and Lions Gate. You know as fun as they were though, I wasn't happy that they lasted for exactly 30 minutes! Most of the time I don't mind, but I was tired last night and I had already added 2 hours (the film's duration) to the 8pm starting time and determined my estimated time of departure from the theater...all ruined by the half an hour previews. That's like sitting down and watching a full episode of "Friends" before you actually start the film. The film that won the Palme d'Or at Cannes by portraying our current President in such a deferential light was actually sort of a letdown for me. The first half an hour or so was really good. Moore was most effective when he used the archival and stock footage to create the narrative, something he got away from in the middle. I don't know, it almost seemed biased or something, like the filmmaker had some sort of agenda. Disturbing and provocative! While I was out I bought a biography of Einstein.
In 2006 a movie called, "Superman" is coming out. I actually can't wait for this, it sounds really interesting. Apparently, the planet "Krypton" is on the verge of destruction, so two parents send their "super" son off to earth where he grows up and becomes a legendary crime fighter superhero. I think this is a very good premise for a movie. Also, I think their preliminary casting of Tom Welling (Smallville) for Superman is...well, it's a little unconventional, yes, but you have to remember that these people didn't get where they are in Hollywood by thinking inside the box.
Yesterday evening I ate a "Kenny's Barbecue" from WrapWorks, my favorite. On one hand, I love this burrito and can't think of why I should try anything else on the menu, but then I feel guilty for not trying other amazing-looking burritos. Who knows, maybe I'd like them more! This is a good allegory for life, unless of course you're talking about relationships or love! That's a onetime deal my friend. One time and you are done so enjoy! HAH.
One more note: All signs point to the word “deferential” as being used incorrectly in this Chipotle entry. Some words that might fit a little better would be insolent, impertinent, audacious, hateful, brazen…you know, things like that.
July 19th, 2004
I couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up and watched "Taxi Driver" until three in the morning. I watched TV for another 45 minutes or so and then I think I may have dozed off, although I'm not sure. I have so much nonsense on my mind these days; I need to purge and exterminate any unnecessary thought chains. Last night around 9pm I went over to the playground to shoot my basketball around. I love playing under the lights. There were some other fellows there, but I just shot by myself. I played the old basketball camp game where if you make a shot you get 1 point; if you miss, your opponent gets 2. I lost to Kenyon Martin, Dirk Nowitzki, Paul Pierce, Howard Dean, Dick Cheney before finally beating Allen Iverson! The Cheney loss was heartbreaking because I was up 8 to 4 and I missed three shots in a row. And that heckling face was so annoying! I find the string of small accomplishments that accompany shooting baskets to be soothing. I got the steak burrito from Chipotle last night and while it was good, the steak was too chewy and I will never get it again. Maybe that's why I am a bit sad and distraught. Either that or maybe because my regular newspaperman wasn’t there when I got off the metro this morning, so I didn’t get one. I hope he’s ok, and he better be there tomorrow.
July 16th, 2004
Gosh dang Thursday night karaoke. I met up with Booty Thunder last night for some singing and good cheer at the local "Millie 'n' Al’s," where Booty rocked the house with a personalized rendition of "Forever in Blue Jeans." Here he is in his traditional garb:
Many friendships, romances, and whole families of dwarves can be traced back to encounters at the annual LPA (Little People of America) convention, which takes place in Reno, Nevada. The description of "Dwarf" is politically correct, however "little person" is seriously preferred. "Midget" is a derogatory and offensive term.
Check out this funny burrito video a burrito fan sent me.
Also, new clothing at
True Vintage.
July 15th, 2004
This morning I told my driver to drop me off at the Tenleytown Metro stop in Washington DC at 5:19am. I couldn't get "Funkytown" out of my head. At first it was to myself, but I couldn't help finally blurting it out: "Won't you take me to...Tenleytown!" Once on the metro and on my way to work, I thought to myself how happy I was being up so early.
After I got off the metro, which I ride all the way into Maryland, I was walking along peacefully to work. It's nice that time of day because it's really quiet and you hear the birds chirping. At least that's what I thought right before I started hearing footsteps creeping up on me on the sidewalk. I had a subtle turn of my head and I saw a small Mexican-Indian looking fellow with a big mustache, a pair of extremely short shorts, and a top hat just about to pass me. Anybody can tell you that my walking efficiency is second to NO ONE, so I realized I was slacking off, and I sped up. Now the both of us are walking neck and neck, giving each other small, competitive glares. Finally, a few blocks later, I had to cross the street, but I think that man is going to whatever he's doing today with one thought in his head..."I certainly did meet my match this morning." Last night I had the "Beef Platter" from the Daily Grill, which includes 1lb. of ground beef and a plate full of mash potatoes. It was fantastic, however, when I eat a lot at night, it makes me wake up even hungrier...even hungrier.
July 14th, 2004
There are only two days out of the whole year where there is not either a NBA, MLB, NFL, or NHL game played. Can you guess? Not Christmas or Easter. It's the day before and after the Major League Baseball All-Star game. I was relaxing in the bathroom at work this morning, reading the newspaper when all of a sudden the lights went out. It's a huge bathroom with no windows or back up lights. I was in a predicament, but after I accomplished what I went in there to do, I shuffled my way to the door and made my way out. Apparently, power went out in the ENTIRE building...except for my hallway. So fortunately, I get to stay at work this morning. Pheww! Lat night I saw Anchorman and it was hysterical. I won't say more about it until more people see it. Check out this website, it shows the front pages of 311 different newspapers across the world. When is all right to wear a white t-shirt to work? What if it fits and looks amazing, does that make a difference or give you more credibility? Here's me laughing at a really funny joke one of my co-workers told me:
Boy, that was a good one. Yesterday I ate a chicken burrito from Chipotle. The server immediately went for the chicken when I didn't immediately specify a meat, but I stopped him, gave him a round-about, and then told him I'll have chicken. As I was walking to the cash register, I noticed a whole batch of chicken breasts on the grill, as well as a full bucket of it on the assembly line. If chicken is so easy to come by, and they're told by their superiors to push it, then WHY don't they just make it CHEAPER than the rest??? I don't like how they push that, but sometimes I can't resist it because it tastes delicious.
July 13th, 2004
Judakiss is an idiot. I'm sure everyone has heard his song "Why" with the lyric, "Why did Bush knock down the towers?" Well now it's the Nation's number one CD, and it sucks. Bad! His careful reasoning behind the song lyric? "I just felt he had something to do with that, that's why I put it in there like that. A lot of my people felt that he had something to do with it." What an asshole. Judakiss, or Jason T. Phillips, got arrested last week for having two .45 handguns and over 3/4 of an ounce of marijuana in his car, along with rounds and rounds of available ammunition. And this guy is writing songs about George Bush "knocking down the towers." He's probably blaming the racist cops for his arrest. Never mind they originally pulled him over because eight passengers were throwing firecrackers out of the windows, and only after the police asked them repeatedly to stop did they finally search the car. It's morons like this that are responsible for the international resentment towards the U.S. Not national and international dissenters in general, but those that go around preaching messages with absolutely NO understanding themselves. I’m completely for musicians, filmmakers, or artists being able to express themselves and their political opinions, but this is just irresponsible.
Yesterday I bought a gallon of milk and two boxes of cereal and for the last two days I’ve been sitting in my room at work, eating breakfast and watching all the episodes ever made of Chicago Hope. Great show, I feel as though I’m starting to fall in love with it. I’m very tall, and I’m starting to get back into pretty good shape. If it weren’t for all the stress, this summer would be phenomenal! Instead it’s just really good. Also, my little brother is getting married in a week and a half!! I just got my tux measurements and my arm spam is incredible.
July 12th, 2004
A superior supervisor just reprimanded me at my work for not saving certain reports to a certain computer drive. He came in and said, "Peter, why are you so difficult?" After he told me my problem, I turned to him and said, "I'm not getting a raise this year, am I?" He quietly shook his head no. This weekend was real nice. The bed and breakfast we went to was in a perfect little town called Washington, Virginia. This small town was so perfect it was unsettling, like a town from a train set. I'm on my fourth "Chicago Hope" so far today. I've watched episodes 16 through 19 with my feet up on my desk and a box of Golden Grahams and milk. In the program, Peter Berg just came out of a bar, started driving away and stopped at a car accident scene, skipped the police line and cut a man's leg off with a chain saw to save his life. This will be a good one, no doubt. I'm looking for jobs in three different cities right now. Las Vegas, NY, and Los Angeles. Yikes! But I had a great birthday weekend with my girlfriend. I finally ate at Chipotle yesterday...the first time since the guacamole incident that shook my whole world. Those bastards were wrong and though I'll never forgive them, I can't deny the deliciousness and efficiency of their burrito restaurant.
July 9th, 2004
I'm sitting at work watching a couple of episodes of "Chicago Hope," soon to be aired on the Discovery Health Channel. High audio peaks on channels 1&2, but besides that, fantastic. Great acting though, amazing story line. Real tearjerker, you know? Tonight I'm going to the most exclusive restaurant in the DC/Metro area. Well, I'll be the judge of that. I got my reservation months ago. One set price for ten thousand courses, just the way I like it. And I'm wearing a damn suit. To dinner!! This "Chicago Hope" program is absolutely ridiculous. Is this how doctors and surgeons really are? All jerks? Maybe they should call it "Chicago A-holes." I heard Ralph Nadar talk the other day and it's hard to actually be against him running for President after you hear him give his case. The man's got a point. He says that Kerry is taking votes away from him!! The guy is hilarious to listen to though, real funny voice. Check out this site if it's your intention to be frigging awesome.
July 8th, 2004
Last night after finishing off some leftover pad Thai noodles with tamarind, green onions, garlic, chilies, tofu, egg and crushed peanuts, and chicken from The Cheesecake Factory, my absolute favorite restaurant, I brushed my teeth and got into bed. At around 11:43pm, as I was nearly dozing off to the new Comedy Central show, "Crossballs (good potential, I think it'll be funny)," I heard a horrifying, electrifying, blood-tingling scream from outside. Just awful, and so, so close! Just Frightening. I immediately sat up in bed. The problem was, the bedroom I was sleeping in is made almost entirely out of windows and the light was still on!! That meant whoever just killed that person outside knew that someone was probably still awake in my room. At that point, however, I had no choice but to turn the light off (maybe the killer would think I didn't hear anything?!), and put the television on mute. I listened. I was quiet—intensely scrutinizing every sound around me. Nothing. No gurgling, no muffled yelps, no dragging or concealing. That was a good sign. "Or is it??" I thought to myself last night in a brief panic. “Let me think back...I remember locking the door, that's good. But there are so many different ways to break in.” So I looked around for a weapon to hold. I immediately spotted a curtain rod, not quite the girth or weight of what I was really looking for and what a man of my size could handle, but it would have to do. I slowly stood up, grabbed the rod, and got back underneath the covers. The rod, of course, was in my tight grip as I yanked the covers up to around eye level. Still no sound. Hmmm. My eyes darted back and forth nervously. I drifted off into a deep sleep. When I awoke this morning I thought to myself, that scream was weird, but maybe it wasn't really a scream, but you know what? It sure sounded like one. Furthermore, here's a picture of me in my salmon colored shirt this morning just being real cool in the bathroom at work:
There's a show being taped about 5 feet from my room at work called "Animal Games" for the Animal Planet. You know who keeps walking by my damn room? The two annoying hosts...Cris Collinsworth and Jim Brown. I asked a PA if they could keep it down, but now my door is closed. The reason I'm upset is because there is a huge craft services table and they haven't offered me any food yet. They just sit there eating like a bunch of pigs. Here's a picture of the set I took this morning before anyone got there:
Doesn't it look like hell without the lights and everything??
July 7th, 2004
I've been a bit overwhelmed recently. Even now, right now, there are so many interesting things going on, but between my damn frigging annoying bronchitis and my girlfriend stress I just can't seem to get a normal bearing on things. I think maybe I need peace and quiet, maybe a little getaway to the woods for a bit. If it wasn't for those damn hippies that live in the nice woods, perhaps it might work. Oh well. Things always straighten themselves out. Did you ever want to punch anyone in the mouth? I do. Sometimes, but not often. I think if I actually went through with it and punched though, I would feel bad afterwards, almost like I didn't really mean to do it, just being grumpy. Sure, there are pictures of Billy Joel's house. Fine, here's one. This is my anonymous ex-friend holding a MTV award from Billy Joel's house.
Ok, see you later. No burritos today, I'd probably just cough too much to even swallow a bite. Oh, also, my older brother sent me a shirt that I really like now.
Burrito Peace Out.
July 6th, 2004
Well, it's gosh dang Tuesday and I'm still sick. It's been over a week now, and I think if I just took care of my health last week I would have been better by now. One great thing that happened this weekend was that the New York Mets swept and Yankees in a three-game series, making the Mets the best team in baseball...ever. Also, John Edwards is J.F.Kerry's running mate. This is no surprise, but still very interesting. I tell you, that Edwards is one charismatic, young fellow. Boy, he's a charmer. Too bad Bush didn't grab a hold of that son of a gun. Well, I have to go back to being sick...real sick. I'd love to write more in my diary--Chipotle Diary, that is--but like I said, I'm sick and tired. So I'm going to take a nap and think about times this past weekend where I could have been a better napper. The DC Mall looked fun on the Fourth. I was at the beach, but I wish I checked that out sometime over the last few years. I was down there once. I wonder how Padukes.com Party Platter Party Extravaganza turned out. I'll find out. What now!? When's the next holiday? My very, very good friend just spent the Fourth at Billy Joel's house. Should I put up the pictures he sent me? Ok, but tomorrow. Maybe I should ask him first, but he doesn't return my calls anymore.
July 1st, 2004
Here's my preliminary burrito analysis on the Los Angeles Laker's pursuit of the greatest collegiate coach of all time: Can you imagine what's going through Coach Krzyzewski's head? After every school year, Coach K gets NBA coaching offers. So why is this one different? Well, for one, the Lakers are pretty good. Even next year they can still be the best in basketball. Now for a man that loves basketball as much as Coach K does, can you even think of a more exciting challenge? He's a great college coach, but how could you pass up a chance to coach the Lakers? Well, for one thing, Los Angeles is a lot different than Durham, different people--but I'm sure he's already taken this into consideration. He'd become a big-time celebrity. I bet he'd take the fact that practically no legendary NCAA coaches have gone on become wildly successful NBA coaches as a challenge (as I'm sure they all do). He'd definitely bring a touch of class to the organization in a way that even Phil Jackson couldn't. I wonder how Coach K would handle Kobe's big blunder. As far as coaching styles? Shoot, I got no idea. I mean, who knows basketball better than him? Sure, the two leagues might be different, but I can't imagine Coach K wouldn't be able to pick up on the changes. In case you haven't realized, he's not a moron. Let's say he does take the job and is a complete failure, he has to know that he can't go back and coach a different NCAA team. No way. No need for any explanation. Conclusion: About a decade ago, it started becoming popular for high school stars to skip college and go straight to the NBA. Up until this year, when Duke lost several underclassmen to the draft, Coach K had a reputation for keeping his players through graduation. It looks like the lure of the NBA bling is just too much. He's a master recruiter, but he's at his best when he’s developing young players utilizing the team as a hole. In short, as much as it would hurt me to see him go, I say screw the NCAA and its un-loyalty crap. Go to the NBA and win championships. But make sure you’re definitely going to succeed before you go though. In his mind, I don’t think there’s any question. Oh, and guess who the Lakers are going to get next year? Grant Hill!!! HAH. Good luck NBA looooooosers!!! BURRITOS!!!! PEACE
July 1st, 2004
I ended up coming to work today because I couldn't face another dreadfully boring day staying home sick. So boring!! So I came to work, and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I work in a big, soundproof room all by myself, which is nice because I get to relax or do push-ups when I want. One big drawback, however, is when someone comes in and my room smells, it's pretty much definitely my fault. My older brother just opened up a vintage clothing store on Ebay called True Vintage . I don't know where the heck he gets this stuff, but it looks wicked awesome!! Yikes! A defiant Saddam Hussein that says things like, "this is all theater, the real criminal is Bush," could prove to be a real rallying figure for this amorphous insurgency all over Iraq. It might also create sympathy for him within the rest of the Middle East and some of the international world, united in their hatred towards the one nation that pours half their money and resources into other, poorer countries throughout the world in need of help. People throughout the Middle East strongly believe that the U.S.-led embargo we placed on Iraq during the nineties was responsible for killing over half a million Iraqi civilians. Never mind the widespread corruption within the "Oil For Food" program run by the UN, in which Saddam supposedly used billions of dollars to bribe himself out of. According to what I’ve heard, Michael Moore made a documentary where he meticulously detailed one specific point, and made a coherent, and rational argument using facts. Apparently, he did a very convincing job. I think that someone could probably make a pretty convincing documentary against the other side as well though. Sure, it might prove to be a little more difficult to dig up dirt on Saddam, but I'm sure if someone as tenacious as Moore would put their mind to it, it might be possible. I think the mass of people, including myself, are extremely fickle. There are always two sides to every story, no matter how much the momentum of public opinion may swing. Is America awful? Do we deserve this hatred? Was our intervention in Iraq wrong? I don't know, but I do know that Saddam Hussein and his sons were not good people. That's for certain. The rest is too complex for me or anyone else that doesn't know all the information from both sides to make a decision. Sure, we can yell and scream and recite facts from one point of view or something we’ve heard, but it'll get us nowhere. Everyone needs to find a deeper understanding by listening and being open. Tomorrow, I'm going to try and give the public a deeper understanding for the Chipotle/guacamole disaster last Friday.
June 29th, 2004
I am sick, and food doesn't taste as good to me today. Surprisingly, even pizza and buffalo wings don't taste as good when your sick. Believe me, I had to find out the hard way last night. I was very excited to eat Pizza Boli's combination special, but when it came, I realized that I couldn't really taste anything and even though I felt like crying, I put on a strong face for those around me. Guess what else, the last two nights I've slept 9 hours each, that's more sleep than I've ever had in my life! And I'm still sick!!! Being sick is inconvenient and boring. I'm saving my money right now because I foresee a move in the near future, so that means cutting back on the Chipotle burritos for now. I mean, they're over six dollars (unless those crooks LIE and charge you for guacamole even though it wasn't on there!!). I hear in Southern California that they practically give burritos away on street corners AND they use different applications other than a SET menu that NEVER changes. and they don't lie. or cheat. Also, I think the streets are paved with burritos. I can't wait until I find something better, I know it's out there. Chipotle will wish they never took me for granted.
June 28th, 2004
Ok, a problem with a lot of people in the service industry is that they don't listen. I just picked up my "egg and sausage bagel" from the coffee shop next door, but when I bit into it, I was biting into a "bacon and egg bagel!!!" This is a small coffee and bagel shop that I go to all the time; I know the woman that makes the food well. She just didn't listen this morning. She was being lazy and inconsiderate and consequently, lost my trust forever. My words may be harsh, but this morning's incident came at a very bad time. You see, last Friday I had the most selfish and infuriating incident at Chipotle in my life. Have I ever ordered guacamole on my burrito at Chipotle? The answer is no. I never have. It's annoying...no, it's insulting how expensive the guacamole is there. At $1.25, I just can't justify ordered this, especially since it's a quarter of the price for the entire burrito!! So on Friday I walked into Chipotle and after waiting in an unusually long line for 3pm in the afternoon, I got to the counter and ordered a burrito. The woman heats the tortilla, and then starts to put black beans into it, never mind the two other choices. I say, "Whoa, hold on a second, ma'am. I'll have the onions and peppers." I like the combination of peppers/onions and beans, rather than just beans, but I usually give them a chance to start doing the first, before I give them orders for the second. This is a very simple concept, very simple direction...I mean for goodness sake, it the only thing they need to do correctly in their job. So as she was putting the peppers/onions on, I asked her very clearly (and gave a little point) for pinto beans as well. She smiles and immediately puts on black beans. I get over it and after I get shorted on the carnitas AND the salsa, I'm at the cash register swiping it on my debit card. When I go to sign my receipt, I notice an extra $1.50 charged to me. I ask the very nice (my friend) woman why, and she points to the black marker on the tinfoil surrounding the burrito. It indicated that there was guacamole on my delicious and efficient, but incompetent meal. Having already paid for it, as well as being extraordinarily hungry, I said, "fine." As I was walking home, I had a range of emotions flashing through my head. Like a nerdy high school girl that despises cheerleaders, but when shown even the slightest acceptance from them becomes embarrassingly willing to assimilate, I started getting curious and even a little excited about my carnitas burrito with guacamole on it, even though I don't remember having seen the burrito-assembly woman put actually apply it. When I got home and saw no guacamole, I felt sheepish. I felt like a dumb sheep that wanted to crawl up underneath a rug. Not long after this, however, I began setting my sights on revenge.
June 25th, 2004
Just sitting here in my office, you know, listening to Debbie Gibson. You know what is just amazing? It seems like EVERY single time I go over to the bathroom, the cleaning woman has the door open and she's cleaning it. Every time. At that point I don't feel like going upstairs or anywhere else, I mean, that's MY bathroom, MY favorite stall. I have my newspaper and I was really, REALLY looking forward to a nice, relaxing getaway from the real world, but noooooooo. Nope. No, not for me. I have to come back to my office and WAIT. I'm going to check again, but I bet for sure if she's not there, they've sent someone else as fast as possible to take her place. Where should I move! It's driving me crazy. You know, I'm not happy about the NBA draft last night. I remember when I was a child, college basketball teams were developed, nurtured. It was especially this way for Duke, even until recently. But Shaun Livingston, Luol Deng and Kris Humphries had to go ruin the institution's fabric of success. Can J.J. Redick, the nation's purest shooter, be enough for the Blue Devils next year? Most likely. This Fahrenheit 9/11 preview is hilarious!! Last night I went to my friend's birthday party and had the best party food I've ever had. He's Columbian, so you can imagine how wonderful that food table was.
June 24th, 2004
“Oh, let there be nothing on earth but laundry!”
Iraq now has 20 full-functioning universities and 43 technical colleges and institutions. Also interesting is the fact that the schools’ policies are now set by the presidents, not the government. On top of this, students now have access to the Internet. So even though these schools still need a lot of room for growth, it's a good first step. If you really want to root out the problem, creating a respect and need for education is the only way to have this democracy work.
"If your going to make a lemon meringue pie, you have to separate the egg yolks and the egg whites before you can bake it. Put together, they make a beautiful pie, but remember, they need time apart and in the oven before they can become delicious."
--Advice given to me by my mother just now.
There’s no doubt the best place to move for burritos is the Southwest. I’m talking about LA, Vegas, San Diego. Should I make my decision based on that? Before you answer that, let me just say that the Tex-Mex made down there is on another level. After you’ve had “Southwest Tex-Mex,” then everything else is reduced to “Who Really Cares.” Seriously, I could probably forget Chipotle once and for all. Because you know what? The burritos down there would be cheap too! Really cheap. I could probably get two for what a Chipotle burrito costs. Lousy damn Chipotle. It’s not even that good. Sometimes people have a favorite poem.
Love Calls Us to the Things of the World
The eyes open to a cry of pulleys,
And spirited from sleep, the astounded soul
Hangs for a moment bodiless and simple
As false dawn.
Outside the open window
The morning air is all awash with angels.
Some are in bed-sheets, some are in blouses,
Some are in smocks: but truly there they are.
Now they are rising together in calm swells
Of halcyon feeling, filling whatever they wear
With the deep joy of their impersonal breathing;
Now they are flying in place, conveying
The terrible speed of their omnipresence, moving
And staying like white water; and now of a sudden
They swoon down into so rapt a quiet
That nobody seems to be there.
The soul shrinks
From all that it is about to remember,
From the punctual rape of every blessed day,
And cries,
“Oh, let there be nothing on earth but laundry,
Nothing but rosy hands in the rising steam
And clear dances done in the sight of heaven."
Yet, as the sun acknowledges
With a warm look the world's hunks and colors,
The soul descends once more in bitter love
To accept the waking body, saying now
In a changed voice as the man yawns and rises,
"Bring them down from their ruddy gallows;
Let there be clean linen for the backs of thieves;
Let lovers go fresh and sweet to be undone,
And the heaviest nuns walk in a pure floating
Of dark habits,
keeping their difficult balance.'
--Richard Wilbur
All right, until our next burrito meeting, eat well and be safe.
June 23th, 2004
Tran Van Hay. Name sound familiar? It should. He's a Vietnamese man that has 20 feet worth of hair. Let me tell you from a first hand account that it's disgusting. Let me say, whatever the message given in "Fahrenheit 9/11," one thing's for certain...the marketing strategy by the Weinsteins has been awesome! Sure, a lot of the hype has elevated simply because of the controversy that stands steadfastly by the side of our current President, but this sort of thing is token Harvey Weinstein. Opening the film in France? Brilliant. Disney wouldn't let Miramax (Disney is the parent company; the Weinsteins run Miramax) distribute it. This might be the last straw between the two companies, but Miramax (under an alias) is going forth with distribution. The problem is, Disney has a hard time making Oscar-worthy movies and Miramax makes them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Harvey Weinstein not looking too bad, with his friend, filmmaker, Michael Moore.
It's settled. My girlfriend accepted her huge promotion in Vegas. It's a great job and the better she does, the less time she'll have to be there. Maybe 18 months, even 12. I'm am still unsure of what the future holds for me. UNLV? Dealer? Something else? A little more sketchy? I wonder which hot topic surrounding America's shortcomings Michael Moore will research and expose next. Obesity?
June 22th, 2004
Some reviews of "Fahrenheit 9/11"
A.O. Scott from the New York Times said:
"Moore's most disciplined and powerful movie to date!"
And Christopher Hitchens from The Slate raves:
"To describe this film as dishonest and demagogic would almost be to promote those terms to the level of respectability. To describe this film as a piece of crap would be to run the risk of a discourse that would never again rise above the excremental. To describe it as an exercise in facile crowd-pleasing would be too obvious. Fahrenheit 9/11 is a sinister exercise in moral frivolity, crudely disguised as an exercise in seriousness. It is also a spectacle of abject political cowardice masking itself as a demonstration of 'dissenting' bravery."
I thinking about growing a mustache still, it's been a dream of mine for a long time now. Here's some poorly done projections:
  
I think the key is to have a really good tan, something I lack right now. Also, it appears by these pictures I might be loosing weight, not good for a summertime mustache. I need more burritos.
June 21th, 2004
I abuse the free paper cups in my office. Seriously, there are free paper cups in the kitchen at my office and I use them in extremely inefficient ways. I'll get four cups of waters and then throw them out and get four more. I take advantage of them because they let me. A lesson I've learned from the World Poker Tour: People that say they don't bluff are usually bluffing. I'm looking forward to see what old Sean Hannity has to say about Bill Clinton's new book this morning on his radio show. This weekend was painful. I'll tell you this though, I watched a movie called "Monster" with Charlize Theron. Pretty intense, a real feel-good flick. Seriously, if you're ever feeling down, just rent that and you'll be grinning ear to ear by the end. Also saw "Kill Bill 2" and it was awesome. There's a scene where Uma gets buried alive that'll knock your socks off. I've begun planning the "Taquet Film Extravaganza," which will take place in Washington DC in mid-July. More details on this to come. A popular reporter said last week that "Mattson raves about (Chipotle)." As I've written before, I like Chipotle because of its efficiency (size/speed), but I certainly have alternatives that I enjoy much more, and I also am fully aware of its shortcomings. I can hardly stand those frigging burritos anymore.
June 18th, 2004
I'm sitting in my office, sipping a cup of coffee and icing my face with a bag full of ice. I was out late last night, I mean late, really late. Really, really late. Really late, you know? So, as you might guess, I feel like awful. But you know what? This ice feels really good. Really, really good. Really, really, really, good. Really amazing. See that? So, in conclusion, everything is really great. At my work, I'm supposed to sign out whichever program I'm working on. I usually write, "Hi!" on the board instead. Isn't that hilarious?
That damn ice bag was melting and became dripping wet, so I had to throw it away. Last night I set up a really fantastic bed nestled underneath my enormous desk in my living room. I really liked sleeping there. It was kind of like a fort, but I also felt like Harry Potter, so you can imagine. This weekend? Relaxation. Relaxation and a ton of stress. That's right! My girlfriend has to make her decision about where to move TODAY! And I guess I do too!! I'm not good at making decisions in advance. Like I've said before, I wait until I get to the meat section in the Chipotle assembly line to even start thinking about what meat I want to get! A lot of times I look at what looks the best, the freshest, you know, that kind of thing.
June 17th, 2004
There's going to be a better display for the "Contradicting Erastus" 48 hour video Taquet Film created, however, you can click HERE to check out a few pictures.
I heard about some internet news briefing thing called "The Note." It seems pretty efficient, I haven't really read it yet, but according to many, it's very, very popular. I'm going to check it out for a few weeks. Last night at one in the morning I ate 8 microwaveable taquito rolls, a microwaveable chipotle, honey chicken burger, a freshly baked donut, a bowl of ice cream, and a glass of cold spring water. A little midnight snack for myself. Needless to say, I slept like a baby. A fat baby. Also, I know I really talked up Yahoo Mail recently, but I just got a GMail account suckas!!! petermattson@gmail.com write to me if you want one too. I went to Chipotle yesterday afternoon. It's funny, if you don't specify which meat you want on your burrito, they give you chicken by default. I say, "whoa, whoa, hold on...I want...ok, I'll have chicken." But you know what? I want to be the one saying that, not having them make the decision for me.
June 16th, 2004
Want to take the Taquet Burrito Challenge??
Click HERE to test your knowledge!
Yesterday I saw Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend, Sheryl Crow, in the lobby at the place I work. She's short!! Here's a clear picture of Sheryl Crow I took with my phone:
What can I say about the Lakers? I was wrong about everything. In actuality, they suck very, very badly. David Hasselhoff is going off the deep end. I mean completely out of his mind. Besides the recent DWI charge on June 7th of this year, he's been taking part in some compromising photography. With puppies!!
Can you believe that damn picture?
June 15th, 2004
"If they have no bread, let them eat cake."
-Marie Antoinette
Do you know how people first started cooking meat? By accident? No. Forest fires. The oldtimers walked through the charred-land, picking up seared animal carcasses, and you know what? It all tasted a lot better. For all those vegan hippies--did you know that it was the ingestion of bone marrow that eventually caused our ancestor's brains to grow big enough to allow abstract thought, consequently, language, consequently, human civilization? You know, we weren't always the big kids on the block. For years, we were only mid-sized animal scrounging for food amongst a large scrounging group. Could you imagine? Shank of sabertooth tiger, ale butter, lambs moon stuffed with sausage?? Sounds delicious. Yahoo Mail shocked the world yesterday. My inbox can now hold up to 100mb!! That's 50 times the size of a Hotmail account, and 10 times the size Yahoo used to be. Who cares about Gmail, Google's enormous but obtrusive email service, anymore? I'm wearing a ridiculous, vertically striped polo shirt today. According to VH1, it's not too soon to rock the Nineties. I hope they're right!
 
June 14th, 2004
On Friday night I went to an all-you-can-eat Calabash Seafood Restaurant in Myrtle Beach. It was the single most amazing culinary experience I've had in several weeks. I stayed for around three hours, and I was thinking to myself, if I was king this would be what I'd order my servants to get me every day. The beach was fun. I tell you though, driving to the beach in a convertible really helps you out with your tan. Here I am walking to work this morning:
Do you know who are the suckiest bunch of suckbags ever to play basketball? That's right, the Lakers. Boy, do they suck. I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me last night. Do you know what finally worked? I just turned off the TV, that's all. Do you know wolves eat over a ton of meat every week? Can you believe that! A wolf can kill a moose all by itself. What tremendous predators these things are, some say the best. Shrek 2 made $24 million dollars this weekend in the box office, bringing the total to $354, now the ninth highest domestic grossing movie of all-time. Warner Brother's summer hit "Troy" cost an estimated $175 to make and another $50 million for marketing. So far it's made $125,650,000 domestically and around $293,200,000 overseas. The Olsen twins had their 18th birthdays yesterday and got a nice a little gift of about $40 million each. If I had that kind of money I'd buy one of those Calabash Restaurants.
June 9th, 2004
The contract company I work for just lost their contract with the company they’re contracted to. And guess when it’s up? August 1st, the same date my roommate is moving out. ICED!!! I got this email from my good friend, Steve Daly (pictured below), who is currently residing in Eastern Europe. He tells me how he is having similar problems as I am over here in the States:
Dear Pete,
In Bulgaria we have something called a Duner. A duner is basically
pieces of chicken, french fries, yougurt sauce (and if you ask, like I
do, it can also include pickles and chilie sauce) that are rolled up
in a thin, pita-like flat bread. It ends up looking sort of like a
burrito/soft taco.
Usually there are Duner stands in all reasonable sized towns. The one
in my town is called Alli Babbas and is run by a Syrian guy. You can
buy two for 1 lev, or about 80 cents. Well his business has been
going well and he has expanded and opened up a new duner stand.
Unfortunetly, his well trained employees that know how to make duners
they way that I like them were moved over to the new duner stand which
is not in a convieneant location for me.
I stood incrediously as one of the new employees made my duners. He
put on too much yogurt sauce, not enough chile sauce, added too many
french fries and put all of the chicken in one end of the duner,
instead of spreading the chicken throught the duner. Now I only get
two bites of chicken out of the duner instead delicious crispy chicken
pieces throughout the whole duner. I'm quite upset.
Its really the little things than can make a big difference in your
life.
Do you know who is awesome? The Lakers. I’m talking about Luke Walton. AWESOME game last night. Also, Kobe Bryant. Remember him? Regardless of how you feel about him, he’s wicked awesome. If you’re curious as to whether a girl is flirting with you or not, check it out. When a woman flirts, she instinctually does four movements:
1. Open their eyes wide;
2. Raise an eyebrow;
3. Turn head sideways;
4. Look down.
I had a fantastic burrito last night from Chipotle with my roommate. For some reason, my frustrations with Chipotle’s short comings were somewhere far off and distant, and I felt like I did when the efficient burrito chain and I first met, and what a delicious burrito it was.
June 8th, 2004
You know what my problem is? I'm too trusting. Too trusting of public bathrooms that is. When I'm at work, if the toilet seat looks clean, then I'll just give it a little wipe with a piece of toilet paper. That's it! If it looks clean, then it must be--that's my philosophy. Do you know that there are video cameras everywhere?? Watching EVERYTHING!! Also, someone just told me she showed her sister, a successful screenwriter working in LA, the Taquet Film 48 hour production of "Contradicting Erastus" and her response was, "Who wrote this? Was he on drugs?" My opinion is that perhaps the writer didn't actually write it, perhaps the project was written accidentally. The Detroit Pistons are a very, very good team, but I think the Lakers might win. Tonight's game is going to be ridiculous. I think croissants are currently my favorite food.
Ok, this is me enjoying an amazing croissant this morning for breakfast.
I'm going to Myrtle Beach tomorrow and my physical shape is mediocre. My buddy and I will be playing a lot of street hoops so I hope my wind holds up.
June 7th, 2004
As everyone knows, Ronald Reagan died this past weekend and his services will be held on Wednesday in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I won't be attending the funeral as I will be in Myrtle Beach, SC. That Alzheimer's is such a nasty disease. President Reagan described it as "the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life." I haven't made any definite decisions as to what to do about the Seattle/Phoenix moving issue. I had a stressful weekend thinking about it, but I wonder why it should be so stressful. I watched the Soprano's season finale last night. If you missed it and plan on watching it, don't read the next sentence. Would the FBI think of securing the WOODS behind the house when they were surrounding the house, preparing for the raid on Johnny Sac's house? How about chasing after a 300 pound Tony Soprano? Anyway, I thought it was fantastic. Hopefully we'll have another year. I'm about to eat an entire frozen, microwavable lasagna. I imagine it's high in sodium. I have to watch out for that or else I'll end up having a turkey jowl and fat cheeks. It'll be plenty of calories...about 1,300 or so.
Outside "Millie 'n' Al's" on Friday night. Present are: Myself, ACTION('s head), Paulie O'Connor, and Booty T.
June 4th, 2004
My girlfriend just got offered two promotions, one in Seattle, WA, and one in Phoenix, AR. She needs to make the decision by Monday and she'll be relocated by July. Can you believe that? What the hell am I supposed to do?? The burritos must really suck in Seattle, but I think overall there are more important issues at hand here. My roommate is leaving for law school at the beginning of August, so I have to make a decision as to where to live. I feel stress from this. On Wednesday, I went to see Josh Fix at this piano bar in Adams Morgan. Really fantastic concert, probably one of the only acts I really enjoy going to a concert to besides my own brother. It was also fun because all of our friends from all over were there. I'm pretty sure everyone had a good time. So, Phoenix, Seattle, Southern California, NY, DC, or WHAT!!?
These are not aviator sunglasses, but they are really awesome.
June 3rd, 2004
Ouch.
June 2nd, 2004
Two negative comments about microwavable burritos:
1. They seem unhealthy! Are they? I can only assume that the answer is YES. How could these companies take something so healthy as a burrito in its natural form should be, and turn it into processed garbage! It's frustrating.
2.They need to be cooked for a deceptively small amount of time. This is a good thing? NO! You might think so, but no. These are ALWAYS overcooked and it takes too damn long to wait for them to cool.
Last night I got an organic microwaveable burrito and asked my friend behind the counter at the store if he could cook it for me real quick. The package instructed 55 seconds, my friend put it in for probably 5 minutes. I didn't want to say anything because we were talking about something else and it would have made him feel incompetent. Boy, I never really got around to eat that thing. Way too hot.
June 1st, 2004
Do you know there is a surgical procedure--I'm watching a show on it right now on the Discovery Channel--that gives blind people back their vision? It's basic, but wow! How hopeful!! I went to the beach this weekend. Bethany Beach. Fun. Relaxing. And boy did I have some AMAZING barbeque at a roadside take-out stand. Today Taquet Film Chairman Luke Frutkin is in town and I'm meeting him for a fantastic WrapWorks burrito lunch this afternoon. I am very excited about this because as most of you know and will agree, that place is by far the best burrito restaurant in the East. Tomorrow night should be a great time. We're having a lot of people over to the Studios around 5:30pm. Tequila? Probably!! Then it's all Steinway the Hard Way! You know I just don't understand why countries like Iran and other sovereign institutions would place FULL responsibility of Al Qaeda suicide bombing (on mosques) on the United States. Can't more people in the Arab world condemn these suicide attacks? I know there are rare condemnations by Arafat (as sincere as a monkey in a top hat) and even Hamas (bombing of Islamic shrines). I say if four men conspire with a larger network to create a massive bomb and destroy a mosque, killing Muslims in the process, those men and that network deserve at least SOME of the blame, don't they??!! I saw "Day After Tomorrow" this last weekend. As if I didn't have enough to worry about already, now it's global warming. Geeze Christmas. Well, it was an entertaining movie but the United States needs to get back on that damn Kyoto Treaty. Quickly.
May 28th, 2004
It's fun to intentionally call people the wrong name at work, and then when they correct you, act like it's not really the point what their damn name is. I was Garrett's in Georgetown last night and check out the men's bathroom:
How close are those fricking things? Way too close. I swear you have to re-position yourself to be able to stand at one of those things if someone is next to you. Awkward too.
Dumb idea? At one in the damn morning it is!! At least when you have to wake up at damn five!
1:00 a.m.......What a great time!
5:45 a.m.......No. This is tough.
I don't really care about any damn burritos right now, but I am pounding water like a man who's lost his mind.
May 27th, 2004
Women were put on this earth to keep man humble. How do they do it? They're so little! It's annoying. There’s just no arguing with them, not successfully at least. Last night I got a burrito from Chipotle and even though I was not looking forward to it, it turned out to be decent. I really wanted to get Chinese, but I went to Chipotle with my girlfriend and that place is just so darn efficient. Actually, since I didn't really care about eating Chipotle I didn't care about pressuring the burrito assembler. You know what? It was the finest built burrito I've ever gotten (from Chipotle!).
Who is the next big hippie band going to be?? Does anyone know? I have no idea. Maybe "Moe." or "String Cheese Incident?" Who will it be? I guess that's for the younger generation to decide. Young chaps. Also, it looks like Kobe Bryant's accuser's dirty past is coming out. Reports say that there is hard proof that she slept with someone within 15 hours of the alleged rape! Prosecutors will probably argue that it has nothing to do with the fact that Kobe raped their client. Baloney!!! I think in a case like this where the only real evidence comes from the defendant and accuser's own recount, then if evidence of flaws in the accuser’s personal character that specifically relate to the case are presented, they should be heavily considered. If the reports of this second fornication are true, however, the case should probably be thrown out anyway, right? I mean because she committed perjury? What a liar.
May 26th, 2004
I'm very excited about the navy and white diagonally striped shirt I'm wearing today. I'm think it's a bit obnoxious, but fantastic looking.
So did you hear about the judge that was kicked off the bench because he drank to much? No, it's not the beginning of some funny joke, it's true. In Louisiana, the honorable Monty L. Doggett arrived at work too bombed to read the arrest warrants for the defendants. Apparently, this was not a new thing either. The State Supreme Court banned him for five years. Phish broke up!! Can you believe it? Couldn't they have waited until a month or so before the elections in November? That way all the hippies (minus one Denver resident anomaly) would be too depressed to care about some stupid election. I think that would be funny because it would essentially make Phish the most powerful jam band in the world, which, I'm sure, is what they've beening aiming for ever since the Nectar days.
May 25th, 2004
Finally!! Today I saw the full wrath of the cicadas. On my walk to the metro this morning I walked through streets full of bug carnage, withstood the deafening buzz of the beasts, and ran through the gauntlet of thousands of swarming cicadas. They were stopping and resting on my shirt, the whole deal!
President Bush is speaking tonight, it'll be interesting. I'm looking forward to it. There seems to be pretty decent international support for blueprint being laid out right now.
My friend at work today asked me if I could act, I said, "A little bit. A little bit." He is doing a short film and he needs someone to play a preppy WASP. Can you believe that???
I'm eating carrots and hummus right now, but I'm going to get a burrito after work!! And I get out at 2pm!! Everyday! Later
May 24th, 2004
I predict a swing in French opinion in the next couple of years. If George W. gets reelected, I think the French Government will send troops to Iraq. Do you think? More than anything, the French love to be different. They have a feverish French desire to constantly reaffirm their French independence, and originality. You know, I bet public opinion for the U.S. is so negative in Western Europe right now that France is starting to get annoyed that they're no longer original. So you watch, they just might reverse their fickle public attitude, declaring their affection for American policy; reestablishing their French dominance in being squirrelly. The blockbuster “Troy” has pulled in more box office support in France than any other foreign country so far. Also, we are beginning to see the heavier influence of Hollywood’s liberal left elite. With Michael Moore being given the “Palme d’Or” at Cannes by a panel of nine judges, four of who were American, and the head being Quentin Tarantino (a child of Harvey Weinstein—also big liberal/anti-Bush buff, Miramax head). Is this a problem? Heck, I’ll be darned if I know. Like I said before: awesome at describing burritos, terrible at world politics. Ask me about warmongers and I’ll talk about a lot of nonsense, but ask me about Booeymongers and you’ll be impressed.
I think "HALOSCAN" got iced!! What a friggin hack of a company. This was responsible for the comments section and now responsible for it NOT being there. Am I pissed? Yes. I let that filth into my home for so long and right underneath my nose it disappears in the middle of the night. I'm sad and pissed off. Someone will pay for this.
Oops! Look at that, they're back. Sorry for the confusion and Haloscan sorry for the threats, unless, of course, it was the threats that you responded to in which case, NEVER let that happen again.
May 21th, 2004
High-wire acts are insane! I'm watching a program called "Extreme Aerialists" right now. To be a highwire aerialist, you need some serious courage, a little luck, confidence, and a bushy mustache. Saddam might have made a good one had he chosen that as a career path instead of politics. Last night, my uncle took me out to Morton's, The Steakhouse. I got the Double Filet Mignon, Sauce Béarnaise, and I don't think I need go into detail on that one. Let's just say, I'm walking around the office today like a fat, sweaty guy that just got his bobo honked. You know what’s so annoying! When you’re using sarcasm and the person you’re talking to doesn’t get it and you look like an ass because at that point you can’t re-explain yourself or say that you were just kidding. I was just in the kitchen at the office and a nice girl walked in while I was pouring coffee. She was at the fridge, so she got an extra cream out and asked if I wanted it. I thought that was nice, but it was getting a little awkwardly sweet in there so I tried to bring some levity to the situation. I said, “Is that what people are supposed to do? I always follow what other people do just to be safe.” She giggled and it was silent for a second. Then she said, “See, I’m the opposite. I always do what I feel like doing.” And then after the awkward moment, a dead-end: “So...” At this point, there's no way of explaining myself out of this without looking like a spaz, right?
May 20th, 2004
You know, I can't imagine there's anyone that loves croissants more than I do. I had a whole bag full of them for breakfast this morning. Some were filled with chocolate, some apple, some plain. They were hot and amazing. This is just a recent, new love. I'm having a lousy Caesar salad for lunch. That's not enough!! I've decided that I need to put on some mass so I've given myself freedom for the next month to eat anything I want, anytime!! Doesn't that sound fun? I'm beefing up for a role. I'll, of course, have a fantastic workout regimen to follow as well. Last night I had a ridiculous Fuddrucker's hamburger. Let me tell you something, that place is awesome. Let's face it. The United States Air Force is now "accidentally" jamming garage door openers with their "radios." No, but seriously, people are so outraged with the U.S. right now, it is so IN. Blah, blah. I don't deal with generalizations. Let's stop making generalizations. Unless, of course, it's about Chipotle not having enough variety. Some could argue, some like myself, that Chipotle's opposition to variety is not a generalization—it's a fact!
May 19th, 2004
Should I marry this woman?
 
She is 7'1". This woman could probably out eat me in a burrito eating contest. I guarantee you this, however, she, or no other human being for that matter, will ever beat me in an ice cream eating contest.
May 18th, 2004
Michael Moore received a 20 minute long standing ovation after screening his new film, "Fahrenheit 911." He couldn't have had a better suited audience. You know? But seriously, there were some fantastic looking suits in that audience. I'll get a picture for you. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Michael Moore is enormous!! I mean, I always knew he was big (as in fat), but seriously? HE'S HUGE!!!! I don't mean to insult. The most important news of the day, however, is that my little brother is getting married. Isn't that amazing?? Right now, the only issue is when to have the wedding, but everything else is very exciting and I am very happy for him. I saw the Nick Berg video yesterday--it was terrible and I wish I didn't see it. Do you think John McCain would make a good president someday? How about Rudolph Giuliani? How about Mandy Moore? She's the next biggest thing you know! I haven't had a delicious burrito in so long. I'm getting one this Friday. Any amazing suggestions?
May 17th, 2004
INT. KITCHEN NIGHT
MAN stands at counter, looks up at shelf, picks bowl full of corks, looks through nostalgically. He picks one up and reads it.
MAN(v.o.)
(reading aloud in his head)
November 14th, 2003...
MAN puts cork down carefully.
MAN
Hmmm...I remember that night.
I remember exactly who I drank
this with.
Was it by myself?
MAN looks frightened.
MAN(v.o.)
(to himself again)
That's such a large bottle to drink
by myself.
(pause)
Actually, it's not that big.
No, it's really huge.
May 14th, 2004
I'm listening to The Sean Hannity show on the internet radio and Lyndie England's lawyer is talking. She is outrageous. So is S. Hannity--both of them are. Ridiculous. Apparently, some Congressmen that saw the lot of the photos/videos for the last few days have told media that there are videos of Lyndie having sex with multiple partners in front of Iraqi prisoners. As far as I'm concerned, that's a pretty idiotic claim if it's totally not true. I highly doubt these lawmakers are completely fabricating this information. The lawyer is not having any of it. The videos don't exist or at least probably don't exist (she sounds so sure or at least kind of sure) and Lyndie is an innocent victim here. Well, maybe they don't exist, time will tell. How do you explain the fact that she was smiling with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and pointing towards the genitalia of the prisoners in the photos? She was ordered to. So in the trial she'll name names? That's difficult, she doesn't know the names. The ranks? A lot of times the commanding officers weren't wearing badges or any sort of identification. Man oh man. There's a tough case for old Lyndie here.
A Hannity radio promo: "We are an alternative to the mainstream bias that exists in the media today."
I like listening to Hannity though, fairly entertaining program. It has a nice, clear cyber feed too. Senator Lieberman is on now! HOW ABOUT that RIDICULOUS Lakers game last night? I'm sorry, but if you can't root for the Lakers now, you're just being difficult. Sometimes girls or girlfriends can also be difficult, you know? They have a unique/opposite way of thinking that men sometimes find illogical or unreasonable...but I guess really it's just different. AND INSANE!! Joking. But seriously, men and women need to somehow mend relations. I think there is a worldwide arch rivalry going on here and it might very well spell out the end of humanity if we don't do something to burrito it. PEACE for the weekend.
May 13th, 2004
I saw my first cicada this morning, actually about two dozen on my walk to work. Check out this poor fellow:
Poor little, disgusting thing was lying upside down in the middle of the street--no doubt will die from a car. Can you imagine? It waited 17 years for this few weeks, and on opening night, after all the hype he falls from a tree on his back in the middle of the street. He must be thinking, "Man, what a bust." Also, do you believe that to some creatures, like dogs, this thing actually looks appealing to eat? Like a burrito might look to us? I'd never eat one of those damn things.
May 12th, 2004
I don't like frozen bagels. I just ate two microwaveable egg, cheese, sausage, and bagel breakfast sandwiches and the bagel is way too chewy. Sometimes it get so hard to chew through it's impossible! Well, the news is all the same today, no matter where you turn. That's right, I'm talking about the Mexican Air Force footage showing 11 UFOs and Tampa Bay Lightning’s free beer proposal. I cooked three big hamburgers and two hot dogs for dinner last night. For desert, an enormous bowl of "Butterfinger" candy ice cream. Needless to say, I slept like a very small baby. Actually, there's a lot going on in Iraq right now. There was an Internet video showing an American's head being cut off. A masked man forced Nick Berg, from Philadelphia, down to the ground, read aloud, "Allahu Akbar!" — or "God is great," and then sliced his head off with a large knife. This masked group of hypocrites, liars, and murderers is going to find out very soon that they will never meet God.
Check out one of the tracks sent by Sweet Lou for Taquet's latest video score. The video, by the way, called "Contradicting Erastus," was written and directed by Arthur Canterbury and Booty Thunder, and had a genius acting performance by Brocktoon. Check out their respective departments for updates this week. ACTION from Action Audio also contributed greatly to the video deemed by critics as a "charming failure."
May 11th, 2004
Taquet stock dropped into the basement. I messed everything up and I'm catching the first train out of here. Good luck and I'm sorry I let all of my burrito friends down. I enjoyed spending this time with you.
May 10th, 2004
One good thing about not showering for 3 days is that your hair has time to bask in it's natural oils for much longer than usual, making it exciting when you finally do wash. So technically, today should be an unbelievable hair day for me, and it kind of is. The only problem is that I'm wasting it! I've hardly seen anyone today and my awesome hair day is going to waste. I am so, so, so, so, hungry and the damn "Chipotle Alarm Clock" keeps going off on my desktop. So in conclusion, I'm hungry and my amazing hair day is going to waste.
May 7th, 2004
I just heard from a show on Animal Planet that "rabbits are the most likely animal to get a speeding ticket in nature." Not fair. Also, I may have mentioned this before, but if a rabbit is deprived of its kind for more than three days, it could die of a broken heart! Poor little bastards. I've had rabbit stew before and it's unbelievable. This weekend I’m working on the 48 Hour Film Festival. Basically, your team gets 48 hours starting tonight at 7pm to make a 4-8 minute video. In the entire history of the 48 Hour Film Festival, no one has ever made an actual film. I think the Chinese Zodiac signs are nonsense. I drew some animals with a pen and ink that were used in a program called “Animals of the Chinese Zodiac” on Animal Planet. Check it out:
Isn't that amazing!! That's AMAZING!!!
May 6th, 2004
Last night I went to Millie 'n' Al's for not that long and I got this Cinco De Mayo necklace, which has a Mexican Flag on each side with a "Miller Lite" logo in the middle. Now check this out:
 
Ok, here is the two different sides of this necklace. Very Mexican, right? Doesn't that flag on the right have the colors rearranged in it? Man oh man. What a blunder! Thankfully, this has nothing to do with the amazing country that brings us the delicous burrito, but instead be blamed on Anheuser-Busch. Talk to you tomorrow Chipotle diary!!
May 5th, 2004
I went to Chipotle for dinner last night and got the chicken burrito. For some reason, it was amazing. Do you think Gore's new INdTV station will be terrific? I think it's going to suck! Or be awesome! But seriously, what does he possibly know about 18-35 year-old's tastes? He has a fantastic looking coupla daughters, ok, but TV programming? For 24 hours? A day? and have it actually be entertaining? He says it's not going to be liberal or Democrat slanted, but it's probably not going to be as fair and balanced AND unbiased as some other news stations. Here I am at work working it BIG TIME!
May 3rd, 2004
I think one of the most exciting things to do is to enter the Chipotle assembly line without knowing exactly what kind of meat you're going to get! I usually get carnitas, but if I see something looking real fresh and real good, I might call an audible. This weekend I saw a guy sticking a futuristic-looking thermometer into the chicken bin. Apparently, Chipotle is very serious about quality! But not variety!! Anyway, check out this site and scroll down a little. Do you notice the name of an amazing film company? This weekend, Taquet Rides.
April 30th, 2004
EXT. STREET CORNER DAY
A PRIEST, a RABBI, and a LAWYER, all in traditional garb, stand in front of a movie theater, look up at marquee. TUCKER, a young man in his mid-forties, walks up.
TUCKER
(to the PRIEST)
What are you all thinking of watching?
A pack of savage, wild DOGS run around corner, attack GROUP. PRIEST, RABBI run. LAWYER, TUCKER are mauled by a half a dozen angry DOGS, scream in agony. More DOGS begin to surround the telephone booth, MEN are now trapped.
INT. TELEPHONE BOOTH DAY
PRIEST, RABBI trapped in phone booth, surrounded by pack of wild DOGS.
RABBI
What an extraordinary situation.
PRIEST
Those dogs look hungry, like they want to eat us.
RABBI
Nothing surprises me anymore.
Across the street, a new coffee shop opens.
RABBI(cont...)
Oye, I spoke too soon! Let's go get something to eat.
How about Chipotle?
PRIEST
But the dogs!
DOGS growl furiously.
RABBI
Oh, yes. Dang it!
SLOW FADE to black.
April 29th, 2004
I ate the $3.95 chinese lunch special yesterday (across the street from Chipotle). It was good, but I openly wished it were bigger. It's a sunny day outside today! Yesterday I took a long walk with my camcorder and got some cool footage of a monster picking through the garbage can. Tough times for monsters these days. Right now I'm on email correspondence with my friends and colleagues negotiating happy hour locations on Friday. This Saturday I see an amazing display of street hoops and the playground on my part. I wonder what I should wear. Hopefully it'll be nice so I can take my shirt off (get a little base tan). Either way, there's going to be some ass whooping. I drink 120 fluid ounces of water each day. This, along with cold cream, keeps my skin young and flexible. Go grab the closest book around. Go to page 41 and write down the 3 sentence down. Isn't that a weird thing to do?
April 28th, 2004
I went to Chipotle last night for an incredibly satisfying burrito. Surprisingly! I've continued to squeeze lemons (and limes, but not so much limes) on my burrito and it's been great. To eat a burrito takes strategy and tenacity. If you go at it indifferently, that's fine, but chances are it'll all come unravelled and you'll end up eating it with a fork. Ok, well that's not a burrito anymore even though it's also delicious. If you want all the amazing tastes combined into one "burrito" taste, then you're going to need to plan out your course of eating. Chipotle must be making so much money. I think they're probably playing a part in bailing out McDonalds, who's having slow sales due to the number of fat conscious fat people around these days. McDonald's is good too if you ask me, but people are really serious about pointing out what is "actually in one of those things." The other day I was walking down the street back from McDonalds eating two McFish's for two bucks and some random guy came up to me and started telling me how disgusting what I was eating was. I thanked him and continued eating but afterward I have to admit I felt a little guilty. I've heard there are now more Subway's than McDonalds. Don't get me started on Subway. Getting a meal there will cost you around 7-9 dollars. OK, nine dollars?? Thanks, I just wanted fast food, for nine dollars I'll go sit down at a damn restaurant and order a burger.
April 27th, 2004
I’m sure everyone knows this story by now; it’s plastered all over the news. Earlier this month in Nicaragua police found 148 pounds of cocaine and a handgun stashed inside a cage in the parking lot of a major cockfighting hangout. The attorney for the man that owned the roosters in the cage argued that the drug and weapon belonged to the roosters, not the man. I’m holding my breath, waiting for this amazing story to unfold. Personally, I think they did belong to those no good roosters. You know, it always works that way—first, cockfighting, then drugs and guns, then more cockfighting. Bad circles. The US gave 100K in aid to the Red Cross to give to North Korea for the horrible train wreck. North Korea actually sent back the aid and help given to them by South Korea. What’s going on with the whole chicken, rooster, and hen thing? Does anyone know what’s what? Am I just an idiot? Where do chickens fit in? What exactly do chickens do? All I know is that they taste amazing! Especially when they’re lathered in Chipotle’s special grill sauce. The chicken burrito, though boring sounding, is actually delicious!! Here’s a picture of someone laughing hysterically at his friend’s joke!
Hell yeah dude!
April 26th, 2004
At 5:40 a.m. in the morning, the subway train is packed. I mean packed!! You cannot find a seat. Monday morning in Washington DC. Can you believe that? All the darn time. I feel very vulnerable in the subway these days, especially with all those people. I'm sure everyone feels the same way around the country. Don Johnson has officially filed for bankruptcy. Seriously?? oops! Check out some quotes said by Don back in his heyday:
"TV actors are bigger than movie actors these days. More people see them, more people recognize them; the salaries in TV are rivaling those in feature films."
"I can do whatever I want--I'm rich, I'm famous, and I'm bigger than you." (Don Johnson on the Ron and Ron radio talk show)
"I'm better than De Niro, I'm better than Pacino. I've got the talent, they've got the material."
Yesterday I checked out the Women's March in Washington DC. There were 800,000 people estimated to have been there. So many people can get together to easily produce an enormous amount of trash! Some other people acknowledged this with funny signs--
I was disappointed because I thought I would see more hippies and consequently more makeshift food vendors. Sometimes a desperately poor hippy with some amazing cooking skills can give you a fantastic deal. All in all, a lot very passionate people in attendance. Have you ever seen the Chipotle website? Go to www.chipotle.com, go to "PLAY" and then "DOWNLOADS" and get an awesome Chipotle desktop alarm clock. I've used it before and it does the job. Other than that, it looks like a marvelous day outside, a dark, cloudy, cold, miserable, hungry, marvelous day.
April 23th, 2004
Meanwhile, as they say when the plot is about to thicken, do you know what an awkward moment is? I always felt like I didn't know what to do with myself after I bowled a bowling ball. You know, those few moments when your ball is rolling down the lane? Do you stand there and watch it? Where do you put your hands, on your hips? By your side? Pockets? Do you turn around and start walking back, but peak back around to see what it knocked over?? So awkward. I think you should definitely not turnaround and start walking back (unless you're wicked awesome!). I think you should hold your follow through for a few moments, until the ball goes about 1/4 down the lane. Then you drop your hands casually to your side (but this MUST be a slow process!! If you do it too fast, you'll be stuck with nothing to do and look like an ASS!). If you have a good shot, try to get all the giddy smiling out while you're still faced away from the other bowlers, so you can turn around with a more pleasing and less pretentious grin. I haven't bowled for a while, but all this talk is making me want to!! There was a terrible train collisions in North Korea yesterday that killed somewhere between 54 and 3,000 people. Those Dutch were a funny people. I am probably going to Chipotle tonight for dinner. A quick burrito, you know? Have you ever actually planned dinner? It’s insane!
Note: these trunks Saddam is sporting here are totally back this summer--
April 22th, 2004
My success on the basketball court this spring has been phenomenal. I'm very happy with my game so far. It's been such wonderful weather that I've been getting a lot of playing time. I get out of work at 2 just like I did in grade school...only now I don't watch Ducktales while eating two bowls of ice cream and an entire package of girl scout Samoa cookies, I go rock out the playground hoops court. Yesterday I had Chipotle with my roommate and it was delicious! I think l liked it because I squeezed fresh lemon on it. That sounds good, right? It was! Hate to say it, but Carmelo Anthony and the Nuggets are having a hard time in the playoffs. Who is going to win? The Mavericks? Everywhere I go I got people coming up to me asking me if I'm Dirk Nowitzki. Isn't that hilarious???
April 21th, 2004
What exciting times we live in! So much excitement! But seriously, everything's pretty good, not bad. So there was a study that showed people could actually become addicted to their favorite foods. Some swanky scientists took a study group and waved cotton swabs drenched in the smell from their favorite foods in front of their noses. Wouldn't you know it—the study group showed chemical changes in the brain that would suggest an addiction to your favorite food is much like an addiction to crack cocaine. I eat Chipotle out of convenience and efficiency. I'm not addicted!! I can hardly stomach it to tell you the truth. The Dominican Republic is pulling their troops early from Iraq. Just TWO days ago President Hipolito Mejia promised to keep the 302 troops they sent over for the entire year commitment. Just two days ago! There is heavy criticism by their public because of the recent small arms fire some Dominican solidiers have been involved in recently. Really?? In war??? Maybe we should have better prepared them for what to expect. Meanwhile, recent polls performed in Spain show that the public blame Prime Minister Jose Maria Azna for provoking the Madrid train bombing in March by supporting the US in Iraq. nevermind the actual TERRORISTS that conceived of and excuted the plan! Nope. Eye carumba. You remember Jamal "Shyne" Barrow? He is serving 10 years in prison for his role in the Puff Daddy nightclub shooting in 2001 (that's right, the same one that ruined Puff and JLo--eventually paving the way for Bennifer). Barrow just signed a record deal for $3 million dollars...from prison!! The record company said the tracks were recorded in sessions prior to incarceration, however, rumors say that prison rap albums have been taped over the phone or in visiting rooms. I guess I should mention that the McDonald's CEO died from a heart attack yesterday! Not good for Chipotle. Or maybe amazing!
 
Jamal "Shyne" Barrow and the esteemed Dominican Force
April 20th, 2004
I think the most cowardly people in the world are those cyber troublemakers. You know, those losers that make the spyware and viruses and worms? Man!! Worst kind of people. Did you know that sharks don't eat chicken? At least reef sharks don't. Try making a triangle over your head with your arms (just keep your arms straight and join together your flat palms). Now look in the mirror and say, "intense," but mean, "in tents." Geeze, yesterday I hardly I ate anything! I grazed. Many people think grazing is a healthier approach, but I'm not buying it. How is it good to be hungry all the time?? Plus, how can you restrain yourself to only eat a little if there's a lot of food in front of you? It's really hard. People think the human race is pretty scummy, but a lot of the animal kingdom is so much worse. You always hear things like, "humans are greedy and desire power." Other animals are a lot worse. At least we have some rules and self-restraint. Male lions will move into another established pride, kill or run off the leader, eat the youngsters, and then take on the family as their own. What do you think would happen if they had as complex a society as humans? They'd probably have a bunch of hippy lions saying how lion are the downfall of the world and they should all strive to be more like humans. I'm not exaggerating though when I say that I really just despise those jerks that make all those awful and disruptive problems on the computers. Seriously. I bet I'll get some kind of thing sent to the Chipotle Diaries now by one of them, but I'm sorry, I just don't think they should do that.
April 19th, 2004
People say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Most of the time there isn't! But do you want a free burrito?? Try this. Go to the bar, and order three beers and three shots. Go up to someone and bet them that you can drink all three beers before they can drink the three shots. The only rule is, you can't touch each other's glasses. After pounding the first beer, place your empty glass upside down over one of the shots. The other person won't be able to touch your glass and you'll be able to drink the rest of your beer at your leisure. And the best part? A FREE burrito coming your way!! I took some pictures of myself at Chipotle going through my choosing process. Some people might think that it's an attempt to cover up the controversial picture in the last entry, but just because I look amazing in these pictures below doesn't mean that it's true!!
Here I am at Chipotle trying to decide what kind of burrito to get.
Here I am giving Ritchie, the employee most stingy with the sour cream, a look down.
And here I am leaving, a little glazed over because I'm hungry, but mad because of Ritchie still.
The NBA playoffs are underway! Who is going to win. I'm not sure. Not many people think the Nuggets will win. Some do, but not many. People generally hate the Lakers. Do you find this as well?
April 15th, 2004
Yesterday I ate another lousy carnitas burrito. What a bummer. There's nothing worse than a lukewarm tortilla shell because it starts to harden and becomes difficult and chewy. Unfortunately, Chipotle is beginning to become my archrival again. It didn't work the first time; what made me think it would work this time? People can't change and neither can restaurants. Apparently, a tape that surfaced yesterday may have been made by Osama. He's gotta chill out. Yesterday was my friend Padukes.com's birthday. You want to see a good haircut? Check out Padre in this picture below (on the left). Also included is a picture of a Chipotle employee slighting me on sour cream.
 
April 14th, 2004
Yesterday I ate a carnitas burrito from Chipotle and you know what has become a huge source of stress for me? That's right, the amount of fresh tomato salsa they put on my burrito. I've accepted their stinginess with the sour cream (something I still don't understand!!), but now I have to worry about the salsa? That's the only good thing left. What are they going to have left? It's like having a wife for 20 years who has gradually stopped working out, wearing make-up, trying to dress up for you, or even putting forth any effort whatsoever to show you she still cares about you. I know nothing has been found for fact as of yet, but what do you think of Barry Bonds? He's amazing--best player ever to play. But should the fact that he's a skid-row drug addict that cheats and steals money to support his unquenchable appetite for smack make any difference? Did any else happen to notice the pulsing rainbow moiré in George Bush's tie last night? Why would he wear a rainbow tie? Where did the batteries go? By the way, did anyone see Rebecca Romijn-Stamos on The Tonight Show last night? Painful!!
Yo, what's going on!
April 13th, 2004
Well, I finally got the shoes I've been eyeing for a little while now. They're the saddle tan Sebago docksides and they're gorgeous. I tested them out this morning on the walk to work--they walk like a dream. I don't mean to put forward the whole "anti-baby seal hunting" attitude, but you must have heard by now that Canada is expanding the quota for its seal hunting this year. Sealers can skin alive, drag across the ice with sharpened boat hooks, and stockpile 350,000 young seals this year. For those of you that have never seen one of these cute baby seals die, check out this video.
Now, I think after listening to all this there can only be one conclusion...baby seal pelts are going to be so totally in this summer.
April 12th, 2004
Finally, Phil Mickelson wins his major tournament. Is anyone not happy for him? What a spectactular looking wife that man has. There was an experiment done years back where study group was broken up into two sections. One section held a pencil in their mouth with their lips; the other was instructed to hold the pen in their mouth with their teeth. Can you guess what the results were? Well, after an hour the people holding the pen with their teeth were found to be much happier. Holding a pencil with your teeth forces you to smile, where holding one with your lips forces a frown. Try it out! Maybe this is why I'm so happy when I'm eating a delicious burrito.
April 9th, 2004
I ate a barbacoa burrito from Chipotle for lunch yesterday. This was actually pretty good, a little spicy. These burritos are the size of bricks, in both weight and size. You know, I've never tried, but I bet I could eat two in a row. I bet I could eat three in a row too. Do you think I should? All the ingredients are healthy and fresh, so it's not like it would be bad for me. Actually, it'd be A LOT of healthy stuff, so it would be extra healthy. I'd be doing myself a favor. I'll do it if you want me too. Who exactly am I talking to? What should I put on the "Chipotle Diaries" T-shirt? A frigging burrito?? Remember when you were little and some stinking punk would spit on his/her hand right before you hand to line up and slap hands at the end of the game? Has anyone tried to write a letter or do a lot of handwriting recently? It's hard! My handwriting looks like hell now; it used to look almost as neat as a girl's did. Why did girls always have better handwriting than boys? You know what’s a good song? “Into The Night” by Benny Mardones. You’ve heard it:
If I could fly, I'd lift you up
and take you into the night and show you love like you've never seen
I can't measure my love, there's nothing to compare it to.
Have you ever felt this way about someone? About a burrito?
April 8th, 2004
A group of monks living in a monastery in Indiana just received 26 million dollars left by two women in their wills. So, the only problem is monks that make a specific vow to live in poverty--the 26 million kind of, you know, breaks that. I don't know if the money will corrupt any of the monks, but it will almost definitely create a ripple in their quest for simplicity. I wonder if those women left the money to be nice or mean. The profits for Yahoo! DOUBLED compared to the first quarter last year. That's $101 million versus $46.7 million. You know, we just said, "doubled" because it was close enough. I mean, come on--$5 million? Actually, I don't know about you guys, but I would take $5 million dollars. Sure, why not? That's how desperate I am. Check out this amazing picture of Chipotle that some fan sent in.
Send in your best burrito picture to burritolover@taquetfilm.com and we'll display it live on TAQUETFILM.COM.
April 7th, 2004
For years, scientists have told us that mobile phones could not cause cancer because the "electromagnetic radiation" given off by them is not strong enough to effectively "cook" the tissue or break chemical bonds in cells. Guess what? They're right—it can't do that. Unfortunately, some Swedish scientists have conducted tests that show how prolonged exposure to this same amount of radiation can cause noticeable attractions between and within the cells, which can create an environments where they may bunch together. Is the cell phone industry going to prove to be a repeat of the tobacco industry after all? Yesterday, I had Taco Bell for lunch. If you’re in the right mood, Taco Bell is amazing. I didn’t even try for a burrito though. Get this—the Taco Bell I went to is a combination of KFC/Taco Bell. The place includes both menus on the board over the cashier. AND they take credit/debit cards. You know, the times you can eat that type of food are really few and far between though. Even I get an onset of guilt after I’m finished…just a small one.
Check out the awful looking and technical disaster to the left. Why do they still taste so good?? Is there a SECRET?? I love it, but I despise it too. Chalk it up to the duel nature of man...hey, that sounds like a good term, I think I'll coin that.
April 6th, 2004
The University of Connecticut won the men's basketball tournament, but who really cares? And guess what? The real story of the week is actually the women's final game, which is tonight. I can't wait! But seriously, do you know who is playing for the title tonight? The women's Huskies! Could you imagine? Could you imagine if the UConn women hoops team wins too and then the men and the women's teams breed with each other? The Australians just launched a vodka-flavored ice cream. Do people actually like the taste of vodka? There is no real alcohol in this ice cream, only artificial vodka flavoring. Sounds delicious! In other Aussie news-- yesterday, an 11 year-old girl was swimming with her friends in some shallow water behind a charter boat where some families and friends were enjoying a relaxing, sun-scorching afternoon when a 10-foot crocodile wrapped its death jaws around her little arm. Fortunately for her, "The Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin was amongst the modest list of passengers on the pleasure cruise. He jumped overboard and landed on the beast's back. Then, he used his fingers to gouge the eyes of the croc, whereupon, the croc let go and swam away embarrassed. This is not a joke, it really happened! Last night, I ate a half-pound of pasta and a pint of Ben and Jerry's for dinner.
April 5th, 2004
I made a friend at www.oliverbot.com. He is a mean robot, but he's fun to talk with. I had two McGriddles this morning. They are delicious, but they are greasy. They are so greasy it is ridiculous.
April 2nd, 2004
I'm tired, it's rainy and cold outside, and I'm gosh darn tired. And hungry!! And kind of grumpy. I took a shower, but I think I smell. If I could eat anything right now it would be a seafood enchilada. My pectorals are developing well. This morning I made some warm, steamed milk with a splash of hazelnut syrup. You know, it was actually really relaxing. More angel hair for dinner tonight and it's going to be that way until I get my tax return back. I can’t get the song, “Could’ve Been” by Debbie Gibson out of my head. I love that song.
April 1st, 2004
As many of you probably know by now, two 9-year-old boys from Kirksville, Missouri played hooky from school yesterday. I know what you're thinking, how much trouble could a couple of second graders get in? Well, first they stole a pickup truck. This was a pretty amazing accomplishment because you have to remember—they're nine!! One of the kids sat in the driver's seat while the other manned the gas and break pedals. The tag team outlaws then stole a BB gun, a pack of cigarettes, and two lighters. Why did they need two lighters? Were they planning on splitting the one pack of cigarettes? Couldn't they have just used the same lighter? Sometimes kids can be morons. Yesterday someone walking into my room at work saw me eating peanut butter with a spoon from the jar. They said, "That's gross." I looked down and realized that I had accidentally eaten 3/4 of the jar. I looked back up at him and said, "Do you think that's unhealthy?" He nodded yes. Today is April Fool's Day, but I'm not feeling very ambitious. If anyone tries to play a joke on me I'll be real mad, you watch. This morning for breakfast I ate yogurt and waffles. That's pretty good, right? Seriously, is eating 3/4 of a brick of peanut butter unhealthy? Is that fatty? I think sometimes its better to live in ignorance.
March 31th, 2004
Did you know that Starbucks opens three and a half stores a day worldwide?? That's right, and the modest chain has a long term plan to triple the number of locations!! They probably have more money than the Yankees (who by the way are worthless, can't win a game this year). But seriously, many of you all may have heard of Candace Parker. This weekend or last night she beat out four guys to win the McDonald's All-American dunk contest with a one-handed dunk where she (and please don't be surprised or skeptical, this dunk IS possible!!!) sort of covered her eyes using the forearm from her OTHER arm! Now, I'd like to think that being immortalized in a prestigious dunk contest where your name is placed on a plaque next to Vince Carter, Lebron James, Carmelo Anthony, and Jerry Stackhouse (just to name a few) would be a little more difficult than performing a dunk that: 1) Is easy to do; 2) Has already been done before, a lot!! 3) Is VERY easy to do! Some may feel that I express these feelings because my manhood is being threatened, much like most men's dislike for Hillary Clinton without actually knowing anything about her, but I don't think it is (at least not because of Parker or Clinton). In this case, it's possible to assume that her being a woman MAY have had a little to do with her winning. No? Here's a friggin picture of the lady scooping a good portion of carnitas onto my burrito last night and Chipotle.
I tried lettuce on it for a change, didn't make a difference.
March 30th, 2004
Recently, a French "rock star" named Bertrand Cantat was sentenced to eight years in prison after being found guilty of manslaughter. Cantat, hailed by some (mostly French) as the "French Jim Morrison," beat his girlfriend to death in a hotel room last July--just several months after former New Jersey Nets star Jayson William blew his chauffeur's head off with a shotgun. Before sustaining 19 devasting and tragic blows directly to the head, Cantat's girlfriend, Marie Trintignant, worked successfully as a French film star. Upon hearing the verdict, Cantat's lawyer said he would immediately appeal the verdict calling it "absolutely excessive." Apparently, he didn't think Cantat beating his girlfriend to death was "absolutely excessive." Hey, Cantat--suck it!! I ate a carnitas wrap yesterday from "WrapWorks," the BEST burrito around. WrapWorks experiments with ingredients, something Chipotle should take some lessons on.
March 29th, 2004
I just read an article that said vitamin E appears to lower people's risk of developing bladder cancer. Is there anything this vitamin can't do?? There is a town on some island that Buddha AND the Hindu Deity once visited. There's this great little coffee shop there. When the temperature consistently reaches around 64 degrees Fahrenheit, a strange occurrence is going to occur in the Eastern Region of the United States. An army of cicadas, unprecedented in size, has been living and gestating just inches beneath the ground soil for the last 17 years. Soon, "Brood X", as they are called, will climb to the surface, completely overtake the area, and then, after laying million and millions of eggs, die. Those eggs will hatch mid-August, drop to the ground and dig a hole, where they will then stay for the next 17 years! The cicadas, around an inch and a half in size, are not toxic and have no defense except for their enormity in numbers. They will make a tasty treat for anything willing to enjoy (dogs, squirrels, cats, raccoons, etc...), but beware! Their bony exoskeletons are difficult to digest and may cause constipation. Yikes!!
March 26th, 2004
I am sitting at my desk at work this morning, watching a science film made in 1950 about the uterus, and using an electric shaver to shave my face. So far I've had only a cup of coffee, but I'm really hungry. I can't wait until the office deli-restaurant opens so I can get some food. They only have bagels and fruit, but it'll be welcomed in my empty stomach that’s looking for some excitement. I’m wearing some obnoxious but very handsome green whale pants.
Has anyone noticed that Arnold’s busy schedule hasn’t really left him too much extra gym time?
Do you LOVE pictures?? Today is so darn sunny it’s ridiculous. Did you know it's illegal to own a pit bull in Miami? Isn't that wierd? They just can't be trusted not to dog fight them.
March 25th, 2004
I love healthy vitamin shakes. They're healthy, and most importantly...quick!! This is what I thought the future would be more like. I LOVE drinking those Odwalla drinks. You know the ones? The only problem is the price, over three dollars. My friend once got asked at a job interview how many cabs did he think were in New York City. This is a good question; it requires some creative problem solving. I don't know the answer, but I'll find out. GOTHS. Goths don't bother me unless they look down at me for being so normal. I think a lot of Goths and hippies are disgruntled with the world. Do I have any Goth fans? I'd be completely surprised (and flattered!) if I did. I wonder if extreme Goths and total hippies are compatible. Yesterday I ate a pound of pork tenderloin again. I didn't feel as guilty this time because I was so hungry. At lunch I actually ate a vegetarian sandwich--mozzarella, tomato, red pepper, sprouts, onions. Holy cow!! Maybe those vegetarians aren't as bad as we thought they were! It was gosh darn fantastic.
March 24th, 2004
Wow, I know of an amazing website where you can listen to almost any song, any time you want! The sound quality is not 100%, but check it out. It's great to listen to at work. Go to www.cdzlimited.net and scroll down to Album Directory. Amazing, huh?
What does Hamas think they're going to get accomplished with more violence? I mean, haven’t they already tried that? This conflict will never end with a massive military defeat of Israel. Why don't they try something different? Like, diplomacy? Try something different for goodness sake. One time I was walking past a playground basketball court and everyone, I mean EVERYONE playing was wearing some kind of jersey (football, hoops), a pair of over-sized jeans, and either big boots or high-tops. I thought, what if you were the one guy that wore shorts?? Wouldn't that work?
I don't like drinking soda when I eat deserts. Last night I was eating cheesecake and I gotta tell you, I much prefer a glass of cold milk. I guess it's a sign of me getting more mature. I actually don't even like soda that much; one exception is if I'm already eating something healthy and substantial like a big cheeseburger. I love the idea of mixing seafood and Mexican food. Let's try to do this more often. Fish tacos, fish burritos, stuff like that.
March 23rd, 2004
I was moving a desk from my room to the living room yesterday and I thought, wow, I've been intimate with this desk for so long and intimate with my living room for so long, and this is the first time they've ever met! I felt like I was introducing my mistress to my wife. Everything eventually got straightened up and I think the two are doing fine, just great. They're probably laughing, sharing old stories about me. Last night I went to Chipotle with Booty Thunder. The server, who looked brand new, took such care and really concentrated on even distribution of all the ingredients. I think new employees take their time because they want to impress their boss. Chipotle should have a program, firing old employees after three months and then hiring new ones. This will keep them fresh and alert and ready to serve the most important person...the customer, or in this case, me.
March 22nd, 2004
My goodness, I must apologize for my inconsistency in my Chipotle Diaries. That's ok, but you know what makes me mad? Well, I didn't go to Chipotle this weekend, but I did go to Subway. I like the one called, "Dijon Horseradish Melt." Besides having an array of special different tastes, it's very substantial. The only problem is that it is kind of a technical sandwich to construct, leaving the "sandwich artists" a lot of room for inconsistencies. Yesterday, the woman put all the meat and cheese on the bread before she put it in the microwave. The problem with this is that she had to take it out early and the cheese wasn't melted enough. Some "melt", huh? Israel used a helicopter gunship to kill Sheik Ahmed Yassin, a terrible mass murderer as well as the spiritual leader of the Islamic militant group Hamas yesterday. The region, including all Arab countries, is now insane with anger. I think Hamas, as well as Al Quaida, has become more of a rallying point for the repressed than a concrete organization. It's more about controlling the mob now. If you can get the masses to back you, then guys like Yassin, won't really be anything too significant. If you get the mob against you, like killing Yassin increased and deepened, then assassinations like this aren't really going to help your cause, only hurt it. Public opinion, whether right or wrong, spreads like wildfire, and this is exactly what these terrorist groups are using to their advantage in areas like that. I agree that specific military action is absolutely necessary in certain circumstances, but I think Israel and even the US sometimes falls short on fighting the war against terrorism on the other side, the side the terrorists are fighting it on, the side of propaganda to the masses. I think we need a better combination of both.
The following section has been added a few hours after the original post, which is above:
Not to be unclear, I am not against military action towards leaders such as Yassin. I just feel that Israel, and in many different cases the US, needs to somehow couple this with a large-scale public relations campaign to stop the bleeding and regain the trust of the majority of Islamic people. We can not start a Cold War with Islam and even though these are not our intentions, it seems to be moving in that direction. I understand these rants from a political lightweight will probably anger a lot of you, especially the majority of the population that realizes it's much more complicated and complex than anyone like me understands. Please don't get too upset though, I'm not running for public office. I just want peace like everyone else (except for most malfunctioning robots). Also, has anyone else recognized the physical similarity between Yassin and Saruman?
March 17th, 2004
I can’t think of something that irks me more at work than the state of the bathroom, and this applies to all aspects of it—social, physical, and psychological. Ideally, I’d like a perfectly clean, large, and absolutely empty public bathroom. Unfortunately, many other people need to use it throughout the day as well. I think having “stage fright” is the biggest sign of inferiority and submissiveness. If I’m going to walk up to a urinal next to a man whether he is already in action or not, I need him to know that I don’t mess around—I’m confident and decisive…hence, my performance at the urinal should reflect this. As soon as I step up, there has to be that unmistakable trickle of noise…the noise shows that I’m not scared. The problem with the public office bathroom is that it’s perfectly and awkwardly amplified. Sounds and emotions are exaggerated and the light is bright and revealing. I mean, have you ever walked into a bathroom coincidentally at the same time as someone else that you just KNOW you’re going to have to make small talk with? What a painful several minutes that is…not to mention you have to execute the task at hand first to feel as though you have the upper hand. But what if the small talk runs out and you both just stand there at the urinal, inches from each other, in a silent “stage fright” stand off. Horrifying!! I’m not going to talk right now about the issues I have with sitting in a stall next to someone, but I will say this—when you take a bathroom break at work, make sure you’re on you’re A-game. Also, I just found out that the cafe in the office building I work in takes I.O.U.s. Now, I think this is just excellent.
March 16th, 2004
A report that came out today regarding global warming was disconcerting. Apparently, the effects of this are becoming irreversible and will most likely cause serious life threatening events within the next couple years. During his tenure, Clinton signed the Kyoto Protocol, an international treaty dedicated to reducing harmful emissions to the ozone. Bush on the other hand, withdrew US support for the Kyoto and since then the US has enjoyed emitting 25% of the world's greenhouse gases. I think it might be time for people other than dirty, lazy, stinky hippies to take notice of this issue. This is a problem that will significantly affect our generation and most definitely our children's generation (unless you are already a parent in which case your grandchildren would be affected). Just look at the numbers--they're increasing at an frightening speed...much faster than anyone expected. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the lines at Chipotle recently, but they've been obnoxious!! There was a line out the door last night! I felt like screaming, "What are all you people doing? Are you crazy? These burritos aren't that good!"
March 15th, 2004
Last Wednesday I was looking to buy a specific book, so I went to the locally owned bookstore to purchase it. It was a new and popular book so I assumed this quiet, little, family-owned book-loving shop would certainly have it. The clerk, a young woman who looked as though she enjoyed nothing more than staying in on a Friday night with a warm cup of tea, a couple cats, and a rare and/or old novel, told me they didn’t have a copy of the book I was looking for, but I could order it and have it by the end of the month. I told her no thanks and then went to the closest Barnes and Noble. Needless to say, this corporate model for efficiency had multiple copies. I asked them how long it would take to order something if by chance they didn’t have a copy in the store and the answer was, “just a couple days.” As if this wasn’t enough to convince me of the necessity for large consolidated corporations, the book was on sale as well!! Well, after this I just couldn’t think of a good reason to ever go to some inefficient little locally owned shop again. Ahah, jump to this morning. On Sunday, yesterday, I lost my debit card and wasn’t able to get cash from the bank before today. On my way to work, I stopped at a nice locally owned yet very successful bagel shop. I asked them if they accepted personal checks and although the answer was no, the woman immediately told me that I could simply pay her tomorrow. Wow!! That would never happen at a big corporately owned bagel shop. Maybe the little guy is good sometimes too.
March 8th, 2004
Well, if you're like me, you went out this weekend and gave yourself a severe sunburn and you're sitting at work feeling so awful that you want to throw up. Unfortunately, this first color of any kind after a long, long pale white period is not as wonderful as I thought it would be. I hurt! Oh well, at least I have a nice "base burn". Also, did you watch the opening episode of "The Sopranos" last night? If you're like me, then you either loved it or hated it. Based on how you felt about it, did you think it was amazing or terrible? I didn't go to Chipotle this weekend, but I did eat a burrito from the Burrito Brothers while I was walking. It looks cool I think. This weekend there was a shootout in Haiti that left five people dead. Survivors of this massacre were extremely angry with American and French forces for not doing enough to stop attacks of this kind. Is American military assistance being taken for granted?
March 4th, 2004
I’ve been snacking on a loaf of wheat bread and a couple AquaFinas for the last couple hours. You know, it's actually not that bad, but I can see how prisoners would get sick of that diet after a while. Today is "Progress Day". March 4th is Progress Day? Indeed!! "March forth!" I hope everyone in the world enjoys an amazing lunch today, I'll just be eating some soup and bread--boring and gross. I was at keroke a couple a weeks ago and after a bunch of awful drunken performances (which everyone enjoys nonetheless), a girl got up to the mic and sang, "Killing Me Softly", and she sang wonderfully! Boy, she got everyone's attention and I'll be darned if she didn't get a huge ovation when she was done. I thought it'd be AWESOME if someone who wanted to be a rapper got up there and started freestyling on a song with a cool beat. The huge DJ Danger Mouse craze right now just reinforces this. I know he does remixes of the instrumentals, but wouldn't be cool if someone last year had gotten up in the bar and started rapping to "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"? There's still a lot of cool songs. A LOT!! Rappers: use keroke nights to your advantage!!
March 3rd, 2004
Last night before I went to bed my snack was: an entire box of microwavable Banquet Chicken Nuggets and an anti-oxidant Odwalla drink. Do you think the two cancle each other out? So have you heard that McDonald's is getting rid of the "Super-size" option? Most likely the result of a wretched lawsuit attempt last year by a group of eight miserably fat kids. Maybe the McDonald's corporation should focus on expanding their menu, not making it smaller!! Remember the days when fat used to equal rich and therefore attractive? Titian captured the beauty of a woman in his time with the painting, "Venus Of Urbino" . Is America's self-image obsession (i.e. supermodels, cover girls) directly linked to America's self-image problem (i.e. "We're FAT!") making a decent, honest, and hard working corporation (McDonalds) the innocent victim of a deep insecurity and hypocrisy?
February 26th, 2004
I've been on a steady peanut butter and jelly diet for the last three days. Do you realize how many that is?? I said STEADY!! A CIA operative asked some Afghanis what they would do with the 25 million dollar reward for finding Osama, and the answers were interesting. One guy said he would buy more balloons to sell at the market, another said he'd get a good number of donkey's to improve his farm. To them, the number is incomprehensible in its enormity. I would try to buy somebody's love and also a lot of friends.
February 25th, 2004
This morning I ate a plate full of meatballs, a cup of coffee, an underdone hardboiled egg, and a multivitamin for breakfast. A plate full of meatballs? YES! And it wasn’t amazing, it was gross. The line for Chipotle is always out the door now, so it's no longer efficient--just annoying. It's not like this is the best burrito in town or anything. Come on, people, get a life!! Go somewhere else--that MY restaurant!
February 20th, 2004
Let me tell you, if you want to feel gross and inadequate do this: wait until you are so hungry that you can't take it any longer, go to Burger King and order two Double Whoppers with Cheese (don't hold out on the Mayonnaise). That should do you good. Oh, and since you're so hungry, order another hamburger for the walk/drive home, just to hold you over until you can gross it up with your two whoppers. Now, just for a reference point, a Double Whopper has over 1,000 calories in it, many of which are fatty Mcfat fat calories--as in, the FAT kind of calories. Even if you're like me and in borderline ridiculous shape, you'll still feel your body lag and grumble as the sudden ingestion of 2,400 calories of delicious processed meat and cheese fill you up.
Also, last week in California there were 2,400 gay and lesbian marriages. That's a lot!! Do you think some of these couples got caught up in all the hype and married hastily? I predict a growing number of gay and lesbian divorces in the coming future. Our president, George W. Bush, is violently opposed to such (as he might call it) balderdash and claptrap. Well, "The Chipotle Diaries" received an email from a young lad just the other day asking:
"Why is G.W. Bush so outraged at same-sex marriage??
I mean, his DADDY married a MAN!!!!!"
Well, that's a good question. Although I wasn't up to answering it, I found someone was willing to take a stab: Someone's response to a young emailer.
February 18th, 2004
It looks like Cingular Wireless may win the AT&T bidding war with its latest $41 billion dollar bid! I think the only one that could beat out this massive offer would be the Yankees. What would happen if the Yankees signed AT&T wireless?? Chipotle never treated me right. Sure, the burritos were amazing, but they should have realized more how I felt and how I was changing. The further I get away from that time period in my life, the more clearly I can see how much Chipotle took me for granted. I shared my entire lunchtime life with that place, and did Chipotle ever give me a frequent buyer card? Did Chipotle ever offer free guacamole? Did Chipotle, that cold hearted, selfish, hypocrit ever expand their menu?? I deserve better, someone that will treat me how I deserve to be treated.
February 12th, 2004
Enjoying the last dry gulps of their overpriced Peloponnesian stadium wine, a crowd of greasy Greek soccer fanatics watched an electrifying match between the U.S. and Mexico in the men's Olympic soccer qualifying match. The U.S. lost 4-0 to a very talented Mexican squad, but that seemed to be beside the point. The Greeks were not interested in the game as much as they were in coming up with inventive anti-American taunts and heckles. Throughout the match, these large groups of self-righteous youngsters continuously filled the stands with cries of "Osama! Osama!! Osama!!" What a fine moment in sports it was. Perhaps we should get used to this kind of loathing...or perhaps not. My personal opinion is that the anti-American sediment that is very popular right now amongst other nations is only a passing fad. We are such a wonderful and easy target to hate! But seriously, I’m flattered to think that these severely anti-Semitic Greeks would take the time from their busy schedules of getting nothing accomplished to come see us play…and not only that, they take the time to carefully craft such a meaningful jeer! The Greeks, I think we’ll see soon, are just hateful and hypocritical as our infamous French are, but (surprisingly and a little unbelievably) not quite as important.
The thing that surprised me (although it doesn’t change my opinion) is that the match actually took place in Mexico. What? But, but, I thought the Mexicans were our, our… you thought wrong! Do I really have to comment on why this is almost worse? I nearly fell off my rocker when I heard this. The bottom line is that no one should support Osama Bin Laden, even if it’s a joke, even if you hate certain actions of a government of a country that he attacked, even if he scores the game-winning goal in the Olympic championship. He’s a mass murderer and he deserves no adoration. But well we're at it, let's boycott burritos (but only for a day to show our disgust)!!
February 11th, 2004
Last night I ate 5,000 pounds of food at an Italian family-style restaurant called "Buca Di Beppo". Eating 5,000 pounds of food has its advantages...you sleep amazing!! Very vivid dreams though. Ok, I'm all for animal rights and everything, but I think these guys are taking it a bit too far if you understand me. A lot of people comment on John Kerry's looks; I think he looks very presidential. He almost reminds me of Andrew Jackson. Gosh, just saying his name brings back the memories. Yeah, old Hick and I used to be in the same cockfight rings. Anyhow, another story, perhaps another day.
February 10th, 2004
Well, the Westminster Kennel Club's 128th Dog Show will finally pick a champion this evening at Madison Square Garden as it heads into the last night of the competition. Let me tell you, it's turning into a real dogfight. But seriously, perhaps some of you that laughed at that last joke weren't aware of the grave situation in Bogotá, Columbia. I'm not talking about revolutionaries or drug lords...no, I almost wish I were though! Apparently, some crafty crooks have trained monkeys to pick-pocket people's wallets, cell phones, and other pocket related paraphernalia. Fortunately, these monkeys are only after these items and not out to bite your ears and/or try to eat your ears. This is no joke!! Are these monkeys evil? Vengeful? Greedy? No, just hungry. Their training and execution revolves around one thing...being rewarded by delicious bananas. So, looking back, I guess they are greedy…greedy and hungry.
February 9th, 2004
There's something very beautiful about seeing a solo lioness squint and sit still as a hot summer rain falls gently upon and adorns her brow. It seems like they're just thinking about wisdom. Also, this weeked I actually had Chipotle a couple times. The first time (on Friday) I actually went up to that assembly line telling myself I was going to order something other than carnitas (amazing braised and spiced shredded pork. You want a treat? Try carnitas!), but it seems like when it comes time to tell the burrito-maker what kind of meat I want, I take one look at the carnitas and give in. I always order them! It's annoying because I wish I could try some of the other things, but my will is too weak.
February 6th, 2004
I think it's funny when someone uses obscure references in attempting to make more familiar obscure references. I just heard on television that some small country is approximately "twice the size of Nevada". Couldn't they have used a state that was at least twice the size of Nevada of a reference? Also, I need a state reference of how big Nevada is, like--how many New Jersey's? Also, did you know that the average height of a roman warrior was 5'1''? Yikes! Sounds scary. HAH!!
February 2nd, 2004
Well, the stupid groundhog saw his stupid shadow and now we're all screwed. Apparently, the small town of Punxsutawney, PA (propelled into fame with the movie, "Groundhog's Day") really has an annual event surrounding this animal's emergence from his hole (which is probably forced!) full of fireworks, eating, and drinking!!! With all the hoopla, these people have forgotten what this holiday is really all about. Bill Cooper, president of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club actually said yesterday:
"We couldn't care less if he sees his shadow, it's a people holiday."
Here's a picture of the famed groundhog right before President Cooper ate him. I had an amazing Burrito Brother's pork burrito on Friday. I wish Chipotle would just get refried beans in their repertoire!!! Why not?
January 30th, 2004
My back is sore because I did too many pull-ups yesterday. It's Friday, 1:30pm, I'm out of work for the day and going back to the city on that wierd underground train. And guess where I'm going to go? YES!!! Burrito Brothers! I can't wait.
January 29nth, 2004
Yesterday a decently-dressed man came up to me while I was standing in front of a gas station and began his sob story: "My car is down the road and I ran out of gas and now I need to get gas and do you have enough just for a gallon..etc." Now, I've been burned by this stunt before. Remember what our president G. W. Bush said: "Get burned once, you know, it's not my fault, get burned twice and it's, uh, it's your fault." So go find your donations elsewhere because I'm listening to the President. I encounter homeless people asking for money everyday. They get nothing from me. I used to give though. I can't tell you how many times I've given someone a dollar or three quarters and they asked for more. Right then!! I give them a dollar and instead of thanking me they ask for five dollars! Now, when someone comes up to me and waves a change cup in my face and says, "any change?", I say, "no, thanks, I have plenty." Heck, I’ll toss my change in the Chipotle tip jar though.
Also, there was a small article in The Washington Post today titled, "Fight Chipotle Colonization"!! It went on to read: "Baja Fresh seeks mastery over the booming, Chipotle-free Clarendon area (this is in Northern Virginia)with a new location." The mockery! The hypocracy!! Baja Fresh (owned by who again?) and their pathetic, tiny-portioned lunches will never measure up! NEVER!! And what the hell is wrong with this lousy town, Clarendon? Why are they booming? It sounds to me like they don't know their head from their ass.
January 27th, 2004
What the heck?? Try it:
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it!
Also, check out this website: Long Bets, it's hilarious. The more I read about predictions, the more the reality sets in that Chipotle's menu will never change. And I was just thinking about it when I was lying in bed last night, but the price of guacamole will definitely not go down. No way, especially now with this stupid 2.4 trillion dollar deficit and everything.
January 23th, 2004
My friend now gets the "burrito bowl" instead of the normal burrito. The "burrito bowl" takes all the components of the burrito save the tortilla shell, and combines them into a delicious cardboard dish. This sounds amazing, but I can't justify trying it. I mean, it's basically the same thing as the burrito, but less food (and same price!). True, the tortilla shell isn't the most delectably satisfying part of this rewarding lunch treat, but it's a significant amount of nourishment nonetheless. They should give us some incentive to buy the bowl instead, like free guacamole. The vegetarian burritos come with free guacamole. It's not worth it though. Many experts say our ancient ancestor's brains grew at an expediential rate (to the point of being capable of abstract thought and therefore language) when they began eating red meat and bone marrow. Thank God they didn't have "jam bands" back then! Language itself is the one defining characteristic in our lineage that makes us truly human. Other animals may communicate (some elaborately and very effectively), but none have language.
January 22th, 2004
Can anyone tell me why gay marriage is going to be a "major campaign issue" in the coming election? The fiery passion surrounding this subject leaves me confused. Interestingly enough, several months ago, I was in Lynchburg, VA and I thought it'd be amazing to visit Jerry Falwell's church. Since then, I've been getting his cyber newsletter for several months and I have yet to get one that doesn't entirely have to do with same sex marriage. The whole thing from top to bottom preaches only one message: "VERY, very bad--the worst devilry in the whole world." Every time I read it I think to myself, "what a douchbag!" Aren’t there other topics more pressing to this man? This is what he thinks about 24 hours a day; it’s his obsession. He even went on national television and stated: “gays and lesbians are responsible for the 9/11 terrorist attacks!” I know he’s a man of faith and God, but if you ask me, he’s a big, fat, sweaty mess and he can keep himself. As for the issue itself, I don’t really care either way, and it’s certainly not going to determine my vote in November 2004. I don’t mean to sound homophobic, but I want to hear more about the Bush family plan to occupy Mars, where the first order of business is to build a galactic palace for presidents George H., George W., and Jeb! Why stop at Earth when they could be the overseers of the whole Universe?! Isn’t that awesome? The other day I had a combination of steak and chicken on my Chipotle burrito. I thought…wow! Combining is legal? I wish I knew this earlier. This opens so many new doors!! Now they just have to make the guacamole a little less expensive.
January 21th, 2004
Well, how many of you watched the State Of the Union address last night and how many of you are surprised?? Surprised? Yes!! Bush lied again. Actually, he didn't so much lie as he just forgot to mention something. I couldn't believe it, the "Foreign Policy" part of his speech came and went and only then did I realize that he was conscientiously (if he's even got one!) choosing to ignore the Mexican gangs that are murdering sea turtles for their eggs. That's right, in Mexico, sea turtle eggs are an extreme delicacy (why not just stick to carnitas?), and gangs are riding horseback up and down the coast looking for sea turtle breeding holes to pillage. When sea turtles climb to the shore to lay their eggs, they are very vulnerable--very, very vulnerable. It is then and there that members of a certain Mexican gang (whose name I will not mention because I don't know it) murder the birthing mothers with a bullet to the head…execution style. The turtle will then die a long, loud, and painful death as they slowly bleed their way to the big lagoon in the sky. What is Bush doing about this? He’s turning a cold shoulder, pretending it’s not happening. Something though…well, something deep down inside of me wonders what a sea turtle-egg burrito would taste like. I bet amazing! Mexicans make everything taste amazing.
January 19th, 2004
Ahhh! Yesterday I had carnitas burrito from Chipotle for breakfast and a "Kenny's Barbecue" from WrapWorks for lunch. Both were amazing! Somebody assaulted Stephen Hawkin! A news article clip on Dick Cheney:
Cheney said he's effective working behind the scenes and doesn't believe voters will choose the next president based on running mates. "Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole?" he said. "It's a nice way to operate, actually."
Also, Al Sharpton has taken the Nation's Capital! I almost had a perfect burrito at Chipotle yesterday; it would have been perfect if the guy putting on the fresh tomato salsa wasn't so apathetic. Let me tell you something though, it was the juiciest, most evenly spread lay of carnitas I have seen yet! I was really excited until the loser doing the salsa gave me a desperate little scoop all bunched in the middle.
January 15th, 2004
I haven't had an amazing Chipotle burrito in a little while now. Do I miss it? I do. I've gotten plenty of groceries, and have been making my own lunches (including sandwiches, pasta, frozen dishes, etc.). I think of my daily lunches at Chipotle with fond, but bittersweet memories. On one hand, I greatly desire this complete and efficient meal, but I also recall my growing unhappiness when I was with Chipotle. I have to force myself to be truthful. You do not want me to lie to you, but more importantly, I have to respect myself. I needed to take a break and things may or may not ever be the same...I do not know. What I do know is that I have a special place in my heart that savors those vivid memories of those precious afternoons when I sat in front of a fresh, hot, delicious, carnitas Chipotle burrito, full of awe and splendor, completely oblivious to the changing world around me, thinking it would never be as good as it was right then...
and you know what? Maybe it won't be, maybe that was my time, and maybe now I’m the one who has changed.
January 7th, 2004
As living, breathing, passionate beings, we all have the necessity for crisis in our lives. As any good author will tell you, a story without conflict is not much of a story at all. Many times in our daily going about, we subconsciously (or intentionally) insert unnecessary plot twists, character spins, or alternate endings into situations that may have played out peacefully or uneventfully otherwise. Now I explain the motivations of the introduction to this day's Diary entry...
For it has come to my attention that a rival Chipotle lover's website/cyber-fan gathering has been rapidly gaining popularity. This website is Chipotlelovers.com. I am making this official statement to say that these people are not my arch rivals, nor are they my friends...I do not stay up at night plotting revenge, nor do I offer my companionship and expertise. No, I simply choose to ignore. They do not exist to me. On any given day, you will prove either weak or strong, and the day goes to the strong one.
January 6th, 2004
Love can be very amazing and also very hurtful. Sometimes, when one is having one's ups and downs in one's journey through the rocky and ambiguous borders of this mighty word, one must remember that it's not just a word, it is also a feeling. Sometimes one might even think about reading poetry about love to satisfy one's desire and urges for its bittersweet taste. And love doesn't have to be with a man or woman, it can be with a material item too (although a lot of people will tell you differently). A poem I wrote:
Love what you will,
will what love may will when love hath willeth.
Will me not,
love me not,
will love make thy will loving?
hath not, will not.
January 5th, 2004
Taco Bell is advertising the most amazing looking burrito! The only thing is, it looks so Taco-Bellish...kind of like how Ben Affleck always seems so Ben Affleckish in all his different roles (but the ladies love it). Sure, the new Taco Bell creation looks amazing, but it's doesn't give the same comfort or authenticity as a delicious Chipotle burrito. It's like being in the depths of a Dionysian rage and engaging in a night of pure dirtiness with some exotic, foreign hooker...sure, it seems very appealing at the time, but the next day you look over and see this thing with no makeup on and at the same time realize that some "exotic, foreign" people can have a "smaller, more deceiving" set of shoulders and consequently be more "convincing" in whatever type of "costume, or role-playing or gender-bending" they might be evolved in. Regardless, there comes a time when you need to go back to something with more substance...and the something is Chipotle. I wrote a little jingle, which is totally hip and cool, but also so familiar and comforting that it'll make you want to cuddle up with that special loved one. "A Jingle"
December 29th, 2003
It has just been reported that natural disasters cost the world 60 billion dollars annually!! Can we not launch a war against this? Sure, this type of war might cost a LOT of money, but I think it would be a good investment. If you think about it, 60 billion dollars a year adds up to so much money. Think about what the world could do with that money!! Build schools! and the environment. Wow. Unfortunately, many times world leaders are too near-sighted.
December 23rd, 2003
A Statement From Renstorff has just been sent over, please check below.
December 22nd, 2003
Recently, I posted a picture of the "Largest Burrito Ever Made". Shortly after posting this, I received a letter from an angry viewer which read:
world's largest burrito, MY ASS!!!!!!!
that looks like 220 tables lined up with a bunch of pretty pathetic looking SMALL burritos. what a goddam sham! i was expecting a super-humungous tortilla. fuck that shit- it looked like a bunch of bored housewives standing around spreading quacamole over Safeway 10-for-2-bucks medium tortillas. that took absolutely NO creativity or even half an iota of mental effort. I mean, come on: at least the world's largest COOKIE was an actual COOKIE. world's largest CAKE was an actual CAKE. this bullshit passes as a "large burrito"???? we live in an age of imcompetence. the LEGITIMATE world's largest burrito is served at Kokopelli's in New Orleans.
good day!
I ask a favor of this reader and all of our other readers, please do not get angry with me, the last thing I want is for anyone to be angry with ME in particular. If you have a different view or you disagree with me, please just tell me in private and I will quickly change my point of view to suit yours. We received the following statement from the peoples of Mountain View, CA.
"A Statement From Renstorff" is now here.
December 19th, 2003
I've been to Chipotle three out of the five working days this weeks. At this point, you might ask, why do I bother? Well, there's only one reason...functionality. I thought I might spice things up today by ordering pinto beans instead of black beans. I'll let you in on a little secret, pinto beans suck. The lunchtime cashier and I rarely have the broken-Spanglish chicken scratch "conversations" that I used to cherish. I just order my burrito, pay her, and walk out, unintentionally avoiding eye contact the whole time. I think they can sense my disgust. Everyone else in this food stop seems very happy though! I see children, families, couples...I even saw a girl sitting at a table the other day working on her laptop! What's wrong with going to one of the Starbucks on the block?? She couldn't have been anti-big corporate chain considering Chipotle's owner. After contemplating all possible explanations for several minutes, I came back to reality and realized I had been at the foot of this girl's table staring at her blankly and she was now staring back at me. Very, very awkward. I walked by her towards the door without saying a word and when I turned around to peak at what she was working on, the only thing I saw was a naked muscle man on her computer wallpaper!! I thought to myself, “that explains a lot”…then I thought to myself, “no, it doesn’t.”
December 16th, 2003
On May 3rd, 1997 in Rengstorff Park--Mountain View, CA, two hundred and twenty bingo table were lined up so that the largest burrito ever assembled could be laid down upon them. Notice the ample amount of sour cream, a detail that even the "World's Largest Burrtio" did not overlook (and they easily could have if they wanted!). The internet will soon be personally resposible for Howard Dean being able to hyjack the nomination and backing of the Democratic party. The other day I went to Chipotle for lunch, it was kind of like having the first pretty good afternoon in such a long, long time with a spouse that you once had all the romance, excitement, and intrigue you could ever ask for, until slowly you become less and less infactuated, your eye begins to wander, you two stop talking and laughing like you once did, your quips become shorter, meaner, you haven't been in bed together for months and you could care less, all that you have left is an uncomfortable silence and the hope that the other one might possibly be going away for the weekend/month/year, you can't stand the sight of each other, but you are so pathetically scared of change that you can't fathom what it might be like without one another.
December 11th, 2003
Check out this funny song about Burger King workers. Though I share this man's passion for Burger King, I must say that I disagree with quite a few things he writes on his website "rants" and "diary" entries. He is a very angry little man; however, he does have good taste in fast food. In my opinion, his opinions are annoying and I'm not going to let his demeaning voice ruin my Christmas.
December 9nd, 2003
I'm in love with a burrito. Today, I ate a carnitas burrito from WrapWorks and it was awesome!! This is SO SO SO much better than Chipotle's carnitas. It's different than Burrito Brothers, but still better. It's the best.
"Pork slow-cooked with garlic and fresh oranges, red rice, black beans, corn and pepper relish, AVOCADO SALSA!! and sour cream in a red chile tortilla."
Do you know what though? The front of the wrapworks menu (made of 100% recycled paper) reads, "Feeding a Discriminating Human Race." What the hell does that mean? There is nothing else on the page or the rest of the menu that suggests or gives clue to what this means!! WHAT does it mean? Are they making fun of me? Should I care? Chipotle never says anything mean about humans. Should I choose the grassroots, quality-driven but individually degrading Wrapworks, or should I just go with the mediocre-burrito, but amazingly efficient and corporately comfortable Chipotle?
December 4nd, 2003
It takes a strong man to lift anything made out of steel, especially tariffs. Yesterday the New York Times displayed the headlines, "Muhammad Is A Manipulator". This, of course, is refering to Washington DC sniper John Muhammad, however, it provides more misconstrued clippings for the "Americans hate Islam" collage being put together for the next coded-cave meeting. I wonder what they serve for food at those meetings. I think Islam is a beautiful religion, however, the one thing I don't agree with is the the absolute absence of filthy swine in the Muslim diet. Could you imagine a world with no CARNITAS?? Carnitas, in my opinion, is the most amazing burrito!
December 2nd, 2003
I haven't eaten a burrito for a week or so. You know, there are so many different people in this world, all sorts of different people. I like the Dixie Chicks. I like their music, and Shania Twain! They are kind of similar. Thanksgiving was great. I can't tell if I like Howard Dean for president or not. I also can't tell about George Bush. I think Rudy Guiliani could win the president some day. We'll see. It looks like some people, mainly Arabs, want Hillary Clinton to run for Vice President now. Some people really like her and some people really despise her. Either way, if you think about it, she's kind of underqualified to be president.
November 25th, 2003
Today when I was sitting in Burrito Brothers, eating my delicious, but over-priced authentic burrito, I noticed two sets of newspapers. In particular, I noticed the headlines of each particular paper. The big news of the day was that last year's sniper, John Muhammad, was sentenced to death. The Washington Times' headline read something like, "DC Sniper Muhammad Will Face Death Penalty"...as usual, nothing about the way the headline was written struck me as unusual. Next, I read the Washington Post headline for the same story--written in large black bold letters at the top of the front page were the words: "DEATH TO MUHAMMAD". Is this a good headline? I didn't think it was very good. We LOVE Islam! Really!! "It's not so much a war against your religion see, it's...no, no, please don't read that newspaper...oh, boy." Great! That's all we need, more things for the Iraqis and Al Qaeda to pin up in their locker rooms.
November 20th, 2003
I thought this mp3 from "modern Humorist" was pretty funny. It's called "Movie Trailer, Cliche Theater". It's pretty funny. I don't like burritos anymore I don't think. No, actually I love them.
November 19th, 2003
You know, one criminal that just never looks cool in prison is a pedophile. It's no doubt the most disgusting crime imaginable. Even being accused of this crime is grounds for complete exile from normal society. Very, very shameful, almost to the point of not being able to joke about it. Almost. For some reason, Michael Jackson has totally obliterated the curve for the last statement. People seem to think it's hilarious that he's been accused multiple times of being a pedophile. It's a joke! For some reason, he has been untouchable, almost like he's been granted immunity from this crime because he is so unbelievably famous. Now, he's been arrested AGAIN and "multiple" children have allegedly been fondled!! What's the point? I'm not sure, but Michael Jackson is one FAMOUS mutha. Also, did you know that each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
Did you know that??
November 12th, 2003
Last week I ate Chipotle burritos four days in a row. This came after a long, long abstinence from the land of Tex-Mex delicious-ville. In the meantime I had visited many other burrito places including the hommage land of the Southwest US and, of course, my stormy affair with Burrito Brothers. My reunion with Chipotle was bittersweet. On one hand, it felt comfortable, like a drunk hook-up with an ex-girlfriend, but on the other...well, there was guilt. That's right, the same guilt you feel after you wake up with a pounding head and look over at the heartless girl you promised yourself you would NEVER EVER talk to again...but you got drunk and you called her. It felt good at the time, sure, but nothing's changed--you couldn't be with her THEN and you can't be with her NOW. She's still the same heartless, soulless, SELFISH little girl who will continue to break your fragile and now pathetic, useless and obselete heart. You think there's hope, but there's not...there's none. The best thing to do is just realize that she is an evil conglomerate money whore who is only interested in herself and cares NOTHING about you or your personal tastes. Even though you would give her all the sour cream in the world, at any hour, you would make it a personal point to be absolutely certain she had enough sour cream while she barely notices if you're eating or not. As far as she's concerned, her burrito is the ONLY burrito and you're nothing, you're feelings are invisible, you don't matter. She probably wouldn't have a problem lying straight to your loser face, telling you she loves you when she really only wants you to shut up and keep being her servant and not to tell her any of your real feelings because it would only bother her. So for those reasons, I probably won't be going to Chipotle this week, but if I do, what should I get? Carnitas!!?? I LOVE CARNITAS!!!!!!!!!
November 9th, 2003
A lot of times if I am faced with an embarrassing situation, in which I may or may not be wrong, I like to get it all out there on the table right at the beginning. Let's say, for example, if I forget someone's name but I am just about to start up a conversation with them and I've already met them--before any talking begins, I will ask them for their name. It's painful at first, but it saves a heck of a lot of embarrassment later, plus it shows that I'm man enough to admit I didn't remember and I don't know everything. I think the same should go for heads of states and burrito assembly line employees...unfortunately, this is not always the case.
November 4th, 2003
Some people say the only thing that is certain is death. I say they're wrong. Death will most likely happen, but you can't say for absolute certain that something that hasn't happened yet definitely will. I used to think that the only thing that is certain is change itself. Things will change! Well, I guess this holds true as long as time exists...almost. There is one place where change doesn't occur, things are stagnant, there is no progression, no furthering of life, no growing, no dying, no ANYTHING!! This universal law defining entity I speak of is none other than our once beloved Chipotle. Come ON!!! Even McDonalds, your bigger, cooler and more down to earth brother has special monthly sandwiches and such. Just try something new!! Maybe shrimp! or even potatoes! or mashed potatoes!!!! ANYTHING!!!!!!! YOU ARE MEDIOCRE.
October 31, 2003
The burrito is a delicious treat. Carnitas is something very special, but even more special when cooked by authentic Mexicans!! The truth is, I received NO replies about the origin of the burrito. Being incapable of doing my own research, I must now accept that the burrito most likely had no origination. Sad and upset that no one replied? A little...but maybe it just goes to show that you shouldn't question something so close to perfection. It's a delicious and more importantly, efficient way to eat lunch. That being said, I wish no harm to anyone on this fine Halloween, rather, may you all enjoy the simple pleasures of a complex and ever-changing world. Should we all strive to be more like Finland? Well, Finland is a great country no doubt, but they don't have nearly the same financial, social, and political responsibilities that the US has. God Bless them anyway. Also, eat a big one #26!! Yikes!!!!! Fox News is in bed with the left. PEACE--
October 23, 2003
Does anyone know who invented the burrito?? If so, please send me the story and you will be published on the "Chipotle Files"!!! Note: I wish publish it without checking on your sources first so please!! please make sure you do your research. Otherwise I will look stupid! With sour cream, the burrito at Burrito Brothers is pushing 8 dollars. Way too much for a casual everyday lunch. I bet the creators of the original burrito never dreamed they could charge that!
October 21, 2003
For the second day in a row I passed up Chipotle for Burrito Brothers. Unlike Chipotle (and it’s younger air-headed brother, Baja Fresh), Burrito Brothers is not owned by a corporation, not until recently at least. Nevertheless, the burritos there are DELICIOUS!! Besides the normal choice of black or pinto beans, they also include REFRIED beans! And oh my, oh my are they deeeeelicious. But guess what? You have to pay extra for the sour cream--$0.80. So, they’re amazing, that’s established. But do you want to know what I can’t stand? It’s beginner burrito rollers. I’ve seen the same thing at Chipotle. A new employee stands there at the end of the production line with only one job—to roll the burrito. When it comes to them they sit there and look at it like they’re about to start reading War and Peace. After a few utterly pathetic attempts at rolling the burrito up, a more experienced employee comes and tries to help them and give them tips. The result is a ripped, soggy disaster.
So today after I was done eating my burrito with a knife and fork, I saw a well-dressed businessman walking towards me with an empty tray and a few of used napkins. I gave him a look like, “Yes. I am also upset. Can you believe that burrito? It sucked. It was very delicious, yes, but he sucked at rolling it. Don’t worry, I know this too, you’re not the only one.” The businessman looked back at me with complete horror, but I got the last laugh when he realized the garbage can he was looking for was actually right behind him.
I think people should have to be certified before they can roll a burrito because they can really ruin your experience if they claim to be a “burrito roller” but really suck at rolling and are completely clueless.
October 15th, 2003
Hundreds of thousands of Ivory Coastians calling themselves the "Young Patriots" assembled at a massive protest the other day. What did the United States do to upset this West African country you ask? Hold on now...not so fast. They were actually gathering for an anti-French demonstration! A former French colony, the Ivory Coast is looking to make a new alliance with the none other than the United States of America. Amongst the large group of protesters chanting, "U.S.A is better!" was Charles Ble-Goude, a nationalist and popular politician. Speaking in English to the angry group of French-speaking Africans he said, "The Americans are not hypocritical; if they want to harm you, they tell you, like in Iraq. But the French will tell you we are friends, we are together, and then they attack you when you are asleep."
And guess what else the Ivory Coast has besides people that actually look favorably towards the U.S.? That's right, the only thing more delicious than a chicken burrito overflowing with extra sour cream from Chipotle...
OIL! Tons and tons and tons of it!!!! Tons and tons and tons and tons of it!!!!!!
That’s not important though. What’s important is that it just goes to show that you don't need to burn American flags to have fun. You can put together a two-hand touch football game, or get a group of friends to your house for an Ed Burn's movie night, or cuddle up with a good book, or even (brace yourself) burn a different country's flag!! Who knows? It could be fun! "…But everyone's doing it!" Well, "everyone" also said that there would never be another band better than the Backstreet Boys…well, if you ask me, that just don’t seem to be N’sync with the truth.
No Chipotle today, I had 2 for 2 at McDonalds instead. Gross.
October 13th, 2003
I asked for extra "corn salsa" on my burrito today in celebration of the day Christopher Columbus founded Haiti. I hate corn salsa because it's too spicy. Ritchie, that sheep of a man, didn't have any problems giving me extra corn salsa. Ritchie needs to get his shit together. The other salsa they have at Chipotle is extra hot, way too hot if you ask me. There is nothing redeeming about it, you can not even eat it. Ritchie probably loves it that freak.
October 8th, 2003
I'll tell you one thing, even though they're a bit more unhealthy, pinto beans will push a Chipotle lunch from pretty good to un-BURRITO-ble. Just as one should do while voting for their favorite political candidate, step up to the counter and order with your heart! Not with your heart at stake, mind you, that would just bring about guilt. Do this: find someone you love or once loved, call them, and then go eat a Chipotle burrito. Chipotle burritos sit surprisingly well in your stomach. I don't like lettuce on my burritos, none of them. I would get guacamole, but it's an extra $1.25, that's way, way too much.
September 25th, 2003
I walked right by my beloved Chipotle today and it wasn't unintentional. My heart has grown bored with the once delectibly exciting and tantilizingly new burrito chain. I can't help but feel guilt for my decision to secretly visit the fresh and sexy new neighbor, Wrapworks. I got a "Kenny's Barbecue," filled with barbeque sauce, chicken, MASH POTATOES! amongst other delicious treats. Sour cream?? Who cares! Ritchie is so boring and old with his sour cream. I've had mash potatoes on my burrito and I never knew a burrito could make me feel that way. Am I fooling myself? How could I so easily part from such a perfect and complete love? Perhaps, as Don Juan, my love exists in the conquest and not the victory. Maybe Don Juan said it best:
"But, once we have succeeded, there is nothing more to wish for; all the attraction of love (for burritos) is over, and we should fall asleep in the tameness of such a passion, unless some new object came to awake our desires and present to us the attractive perspective of a new conquest."
And just as Don Juan, if I had a thousand hearts, I would give them all away...but I don't, and I'm just not ready to settle down yet.
September 19th, 2003
Today I stood in line behind one woman with four children. The children were extremely unattentive and the woman seemed not to care. It took them nearly 10 minutes to complete their order. The kids didn't even seem like they wanted a delicious Chipotle burrito, they thought laughing and playing tag was more important. I nearly had a heart attack when I finally got to the counter and they were out of carnitas. The last kid in front of me just ordered carnitas! I knew I wasn't going to get it back from him and the next batch was going to be ready in five minutes, so I decided to get barbacoa (an amazing, spicy shredded beef creation). Ritchie wasn't their today, but the lady helping me satisfied my violent craving for sour cream thoroughly. I had a very deliberate and strategic smile at her immediately before I asked for a little extra sour cream.
September 15th, 2003
Ritchie the server is becoming a problem for me. He is stingy. Sour cream is not expensive. I don't care how many times his manager might have told them at their meetings to go easy on the sour cream; I think Ritchie is an asshole for listening. Do I have to bring my own sour cream? If Ritchie keeps this up, he's going to get his ass kicked.
September 14th, 2003
What an awful experience. Today I had the steak, but it wasn't satisfying. Physically, yes, it ended my hunger...but emotionally? The four choices of carnitas, barbacoa, chicken and steak used to be enough variety for me. Today I got steak. I felt cheated on the sour cream again. I try to make my presence known when I'm standing in the production line and watching the burrito makers put together my burrito. So, when the assembely line chef asks me if I want sour cream, I try to show extra enthusiasm. "Oh, yeah!" When I only get 60% of the amount that should be there, I make a negative sounding snicker, or say under my breath, "oh, man, I love sour cream." New management? I'm not sure. Like I said before, I getting bored with the options anyway. Instead of cutting down, I say expand! To help Chipotle, click here and fill out my survey. Thanks! What should I get tomorrow? I'm not sure yet!!
September 11th, 2003
As the torilla shell came off the warm press, I had a brief flash of anxiety when the server, a newcomer named Ritchie, scooped too much black bean juice prior to the black bean application. Strategically, I stalled him as I said, "Sir...can I have some--"
"Yes?" as he puts the black bean scoop back down. I told him I wanted a fajita burrito, which includes both onions, peppers, AND blackbeans. This action by me proved to be perfectly timed as Ritchie's second attempt at the beans was nice and juicy-less. I went with Carnitas, a delicious, shredded form of delicately spiced pork, which Ritchie generously applied. I nearly had a heart-attack when he stiffed me with the sour cream!! I couldn't believe it. This was bound to ruin the rest of my day. Not too much cheese, and the rolling job and tight and neat. "Geeze," I thought, "this could have easily been a perfect burrito if Ritchie wasn't such a complete idiot!! If there's one thing I know, it's that everyone loves sour damn cream on their Tex-Mex, and as an employee of such a restaurant, I felt--I feel that Ritchie should fricking know this. I might get a barbacoa burrito tomorrow, I'm not sure yet!!
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